Calvin and Hobbes: 1989

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995

I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.

ch890101: Well, it's a new year. And I'd say the first 10 hours haven't been up to snuff. Did you make any new year resolutions? You bet! I resolved to quit hiding my feelings so much! From now on, the world's gonna know exactly what I think of it! Yes, you've certainly been a model of self-restraint and understatement up until now. Well no more. And I've also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. If I see any, I'll tell them.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any New Year's resolutions. Calvin promises to quit hiding his feelings so much. He says from now on the world will know exactly what he thinks of it. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin has certainly been the model of self-restraint and understatement until now. They walk along for a while. Calvin thinks about it. He adds that he's also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. Hobbes tells him if he sees any, he'll tell them.

ch890102: Shovel, shovel, shovel! Why can't we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! I'm freezing! It builds character. Keep at it. Pretty convenient how every time I build character, HE saves a couple of hundred dollars.
Calvin is shoveling snow. He asks why they can't buy a snow blower. He says they must be the only family in the world that shovels the driveway by hand. He complains it's freezing. Dad opens the door and tells him to keep at it. It builds character. Calvin says it's pretty convenient that every time he builds character, Dad saves a couple hundred dollars.

ch890103: Next time we go down, I get to steer the sled. You?! You steer like an old lady! Yeah, well, I'm sick of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. "Every obstacle"?!? We missed the briar patch, didn't we?! By going down the gully and into the stream, yes. Oh, you make everything sound so terrible. You should be glad we're alive.
Calvin and Hobbes are both covered with snow. Hobbes says the next time they go down the hill, he gets to steer. Calvin complains that Hobbes steers like an old lady. Hobbes replies that he's tired of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. Calvin retorts that they missed the briar patch. Hobbes clarifies that they did by going down into the gully and into the stream. Calvin tells him he makes everything sound so terrible. He says Hobbes should be glad they're alive.

ch890104: This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes, this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art.
Calvin has created the finest snowball ever made. He's handcrafted a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush, ice, dirt, debris and fine powder snow. He calls it the ultimate winter weapon. As he continues praising his snowball, he's smacked by a snowball thrown by Hobbes. Hobbes says Calvin is another casualty of the seduction of art.

ch890105: What do you think is the best way to get what you want? Is it better to hold fast and never back down, or to compromise? I suppose it's best to hold fast when you can, and compromise when you need to. That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the best way to get what you want. He asks if it's better to hold fast and not back down or to compromise. Hobbes answers it's best to hold fast when you can and compromise when you need to. Calvin says that's a lot more mature than he thinks he cares to be.

ch890106: I think the short attention span of television is great. As far as I'M concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. My time is valuable. I can't go thinking about one subject on end. I'm a busy man. ...who's been sitting here for three hours. ... at six thoughts a minute.
Calvin and Hobbes are watching television. Calvin thinks the short attention span of television is great. As far as he's concerned, if something is so complicated you can't explain it in ten seconds, it's not worth knowing anyway. Calvin says his time is valuable. He can't go thinking about one subject for minutes on end. He's a busy man. Hobbes adds that he's been sitting there watching television for three hours.

ch890107: There's something magical about having a fire. The crackles and snaps, the warm flickering light... everything always seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. And if you've got a hot tiger tummy to lie against, ... WELL!
Calvin is warming his hands by the fire. He says there's something magical about having a fire. He comments on the crackles and snaps, the warm, flickering light. He says everything seems safe and cozy if you're sitting in front of a fire. He sits back against Hobbes, who's sleeping on the floor. He says it's even better when you have a hot tiger tummy to lie against.

ch890108: C'mon, we'd better go outside for a while. How come? Mom's getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK, the main fortress will be a wall five feet high, and go from here down over that hill, with turrets every 50 feet. Over here we'll build an inner wall, in case we have to retreat, and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesn't pack too well, does it? It's not wet enough. Gosh, it'll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. I'm cold. Me, too. Let's go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall, after the moat. Say, I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did.
Calvin and Hobbes run out to build the best snow fort ever. Calvin plans for five foot high walls, and turrets every fifty feet. He shows Hobbes where an inner wall will be, along with a bin to store snowball reserves. The snow isn't wet enough to pack. Calvin realizes it will take forever to build just the outer walls. Hobbes is cold. Calvin is too, so they go inside to have hot chocolate by the fire. They decide to draw the snow fort. Calvin wonders where the ice spikes should go. Hobbes tells him, and also thinks Calvin got more marshmallows in his chocolate than Hobbes did.

ch890109: The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-Bomb! Calvin is bound to unleash the pure destructive force of a million A-Bombs! The world gasps in horror as he streaks towards his target! OH NO YOU DON'T!!
The bay doors open and out falls Calvin, the C-bomb. Calvin is about to unleash the power of a million A-bombs. He streaks toward his target. Mom grabs Calvin by the shirt as he runs by. He has a bat in his hand. Mom says "Oh no you don't".

ch890110: Will you read this tonight? "An Ode To Tigers"? Hobbes wrote it. "The zebra's stripes are lacking hues, So they don't compare to you-know-whose."Orange, black and white is what to wear! It's haute couture for those who dare! It's camouflage, and stylish, too! Yes, tigers look the best, it's true!" This goes on? For pages. Pretty tedious, isn't it?
Calvin asks Dad to read "An Ode to Tigers" at bedtime. Hobbes wrote it. Dad reads the zebra's stripes are lacking hues, they don't compare to you-know-who's. It's camouflage and stylish, too. Yes, tigers look best. It's true. Dad asks if this goes on. Calvin tells him for pages. He asks Dad if he thinks it's pretty tedious.

ch890111: I'M HO-OME! KAPOW WUMPH! Great. The snow cushioned the blow to my spine, so I can now die of pneumonia. Aww, has oo got de sniffoos?
Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes pounces on him and knocks him into the snow. Calvin says the snow cushioned the blow to his spine, so now he can die of pneumonia. Hobbes makes fun of Calvin, mocking him with "Has oo got de sniffoos".

ch890112: I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the snow. Calvin likes the cold, gray winter days. He says days like these let you savor a bad mood.

ch890113: You try it and I'll watch. Sissy.
Calvin has built a loop out of snow on the downslope of the hill. Hobbes is standing nearby as Calvin pulls the sled up the hill. Hobbes tells Calvin to try it. He'll watch. Calvin calls him a sissy.

ch890114: Look, I put a snowball on top of this snowman's head. Now I'll be the next William Tell, and I'll hit the snowball clean off! Ouch. Ahhh! He flinched!
Calvin puts a snowball on the head of a snowman. He's going to be the next William Tell, and he'll hit the snowball clean off. He throws a snowball. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says "ouch". Calvin complains that he flinched.

ch890115: Put 'er down here. You know, these things should really come with air bags. Ready? Ready. OFF WE GO-O! Ooh! Yikes! Wow! See? I TOLD you. Help me gather up the sled, you sissy.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the toboggan. Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. He says yes, so off they go. Hobbes steps off the back of the toboggan. He brushes the snow off himself and watches the toboggan go down the hill. He turns his head at one point, covering his eyes. He covers his mouth at another. He looks into the air, following Calvin's journey. As Calvin comes back up the hill, covered in snow and branches, Hobbes tells him he told him so. Calvin tells Hobbes to help him gather the sled, and he calls him a sissy.

ch890116: The fearless Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet closest to star X-351! An alien approaches... but in the blinding light, our here can hardly make it out! Is it friendly or hostile? What are you still doing in bed still? Get ready for school! Definitely hostile.
Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet surface. An alien approaches. In the blinding light, Spiff can't tell whether the alien is friendly or hostile. Mom comes in to yell at Calvin who's still sitting on his bed. She tells him to get ready for school. Spiff, being carried off by the alien, says that it's definitely hostile.

ch890117: The school bus will be here any minute! Go! Scoot! Spaceman Spiff, captured by vicious zogwards, is about to be transported to the labor camp! Our hero hatches a bold plan! At the last second, Spiff makes his break! Taking advantage of the planet's low gravity, our hero is away like a shot. There's the bus... but why don't I see Calvin?
Calvin is tossed out the door. Mom tells him the bus will be by any minute. Get going! Spaceman Spiff, captured by the Zogwargs, is being transported to the labor camp. Our hero hatches a plan. He makes his break. Using the planet's weaker gravity, our hero is away like a shot. Mom looks out the window. She says she sees the bus, but why doesn't she see Calvin?

ch890118: Spiff escapes! Did Calvin get on the bus? I didn't see. ... why? Someone just darted behind that tree. See, there he goes again. Isn't that Calvin? The zogwargs have spotted him! Our hero inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket, and prepares for takeoff!
Spiff escapes! Dad asks if Calvin got on the bus. Mom says she didn't see. Dad mentions he saw someone darting behind a tree. They look and see it again. Dad asks if that's Calvin. Spiff inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket. The Zogwargs have spotted him.

ch890119: Calvin, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! It's your own grave you're digging, buster!
Mom gets on her coat and tells Calvin to get over there. Our hero blasts off on his jet pack. Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff. The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters. Spiff fires his death ray blaster. Calvin is throwing snowballs at Mom as she chases him. She tells him he's digging his own grave.

ch890120: Young man, you are in VERY big trouble! Why didn't you get on the school bus?! Now I'VE got to drive you, and your Dad will be late for work. You've inconvenienced everyone! What have you got to say for yourself?! Give me liberty or give me death, Zogwarg queen! Don't tempt me! And listen, you call me "Mom," ... got it?
Mom drags Calvin back telling him he's in big trouble. She asks why he didn't get on the bus. Now she has to take him to school, and Dad will be late to work. She tells Calvin he's inconvenienced everyone and asks if he has anything to say for himself. Calvin tells the Zogwarg Queen to give him liberty or give him death. Mom turns from the steering wheel with teeth clenched. She tells Calvin not to tempt her. She also tells him to call her Mom.

ch890121: Hey, Calvin, how come you're late today? Why didn't you ride the bus? I was going to skip school, but I got caught. Really? How? Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Your Mom had to CHASE you? I couldn't believe it when she cleared the hedge.
Susie asks Calvin why he was late to school. Calvin tells her he was going to skip, but he got caught. When Susie asks how he got caught, Calvin tells her Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Susie asks if his Mom had to chase him. Calvin tells her he couldn't believe it when Mom cleared the hedge.

ch890122: OK, let's see... if the wind is blowing north-northeast at 6mph, and I throw the snowball due west at 90 mph with a slight top spin ... Ha! Susie didn't even hear me sneak up. Now I'll cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs! WHZZZ PUFF These darn crozz breezes! She didn't even notice! You're the worst shot in the world, Calvin! If it wasn't for gravity, you probably couldn't even hit the ground! SMACK! I did it! I did it! Just when it counted, I did it! Ha ha ha! Right in the kisser! Ha ha! Bad news, Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon. Oh? That recently?
Calvin hides behind a tree. He plans to cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs. Susie is busy making a snowman. Calvin misses with the toss. He blames the cross breezes. Then he throws several snowball, which all miss Susie. She taunts him by saying he's the worst shot in the world. She says if it wasn't for gravity, he wouldn't hit the ground. SMACK! Susie gets nailed by a snowball. She runs after Calvin, who gleefully comments he did it when it really counted. After going home, Calvin tells Mom that he has bad news. He says he promised his soul to the devil that afternoon. Mom asks if it was that recently.

ch890123: Yes, can I have the tool department, please? Thank you. Hello? How much are your power circular saws? I see. And your electric drills? Uh-huh. How big of a bit will that hold? Really? Great. So the assigment is pages two through four? OK, thanks Susie. ...Sorry about that. Do you carry acetylene torches? OK, ring it all up. This will be on Mastercard.
Calvin is on the telephone asking for the tool department. He asks the price of circular saws, then electric drills. He asks how big a bit the drill will hold. Then Mom walks by. Calvin acts as if he's talking to Susie about a school assignment. After Mom passes, Calvin apologizes to the tool department and asks about acetylene torches. He tells them to ring it up. He has Dad's MasterCard in his hand.

ch890124: Look at all this homework I'm supposed to do! I don't want to do this garbage! I want to play outside! Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
Calvin complains about all the homework he has to do. He tells Hobbes he doesn't want to do the homework, and he wants to play outside. Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says "childhood is short and maturity is forever".

ch890125: People are rotten. When I grow up, I'm going to live a million miles away from everyone! How will you survive? What will you eat? ... Well, Mom could come by twice a day to cook, I suppose. That would be quite a commute.
Calvin tells Hobbes that people are rotten. He says when he grows up, he's going to live a million miles from everyone. Hobbes asks how he'll survive and eat. Calvin suggests Mom could come by twice a day to cook. Hobbes says that would be quite a commute.

ch890126: Get a load of THIS dumb assignment. I'm supposed to write about an adventure I had! I haven't had any adventures! My life has been a big bore from the beginning! Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures! What about the time you backed the car through the garage door? You call that an adventure? I didn't even get on the the highway.
Calvin comes home complaining about an assignment he got. He has to write about an adventure he had. Calvin argues that his life has been one big bore from the beginning. He's never been abducted by pirates, never faced down a charging rhino, been in a shoot-out, or on a bombing run. Hobbes asks about the time he backed the car through the garage door. Calvin doesn't think that was an adventure. He never even got on the highway.

ch890127: When do you think we'll get a thunder and lightning storm? I don't kow. Probably not until spring. I think he's going to melt before we can bring him to life.
Dad is shoveling snow when Calvin asks him when he thinks they'll get a thunder and lightning storm. Dad says probably not until spring. Calvin walks back to Hobbes, who's standing next to a snowman prone on the ground. Calvin says he thinks the snowman will melt before they can bring him to life.

ch890128: Hey, Susie, stand on this "X". Why? No reason. Just do it. I dare you. No. Please? C'mon! Get lost. This may not work out as well as I thought.
Calvin asks Susie to stand on the "X" he made in the snow. Susie asks why. Calvin says there's no reason. He dares her. She refuses, then walks away. Calvin pleads for her to do it, but Susie tells him to get lost. Calvin looks at his bunch of snowballs sitting on a plank lying on top a log. He says this may not work out as well as he thought.

ch890129: The valiant Spaceman Spiff is led by his captors to a secret dungeon to be debriefed! Little do they realize that our hero doesn't WEAR briefs! Eat your dinner, Calvin. Ugh. Poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta, Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner! Still won't talk, eh, Earthling? Our hero's mind races furiously! He's had his chance! Let's make him eat! LOOK BEHIND YOU!! Fool! The human scum escaped! Not for long, Zokbar-2! And tomorrow morning he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast!
Mom tells Calvin to eat his dinner. Spaceman Spiff is held over a pit of putrid pasta. Our hero's mind races furiously. The aliens say that he's had his chance. Let's make him eat. Calvin looks surprised, points behind Mom and Dad, and tells them to look behind them. When they look, Calvin runs off. One alien says the human scum has escaped. The other says tomorrow morning, he'll have cold manicotti for breakfast.

ch890130: Wow, you've made a lot of snowmen today! Yep. They're efficies. Each one represents someone I hate. When the sun comes out, I'll watch their features slowly melt down their dripping bodies until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. I wasn't aware you even knew this many people. The ones I REALLY hate are small, so they'll go faster.
Hobbes looks at all the snowmen Calvin made. Calvin says they're effigies. Each one represents someone he hates. Calvin says when the sun comes out, he'll watch the snowmen melt until they're nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. Hobbes looks to the distance. He says he didn't know Calvin knew so many people.

ch890131: I'm writing a book about my life. It's called, "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation." Interesting title. Thanks. Specifically what exploits are you referring to? That's the problem. Can you help me think of some I could do?
Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing a book about his life, titled "Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation". Hobbes asks what exploits he's referring to. Calvin admits that's the problem. He asks Hobbes for some he could do.

ch890201: Hi Susie. Go away, Calvin! Sit somewhere else! I don't want to know what revolting thing you have for lunch today. Relax, Susie. I'm not going to tell you what I have. You'd better not. I mean it. All I'll say is that I sure feel sorry for my tapeworm. MISS WORMWOOD! Hey! Did I SAY what my lunch is?! Did I?!?
Susie doesn't want Calvin to sit next to her at lunch. She doesn't want to know what revolting thing he has for lunch today. Calvin tells her to relax, he's not going to tell her what he has. Calvin looks at his sandwich and says he sure feels sorry for his tapeworm. Susie yells for Miss Wormwood.

ch890202: What's this? A crash test dummy. Now I can see if the hill is safe to go down. Off you go! Ooh, I think I'm going to be sick. Well, I wouldn't have steered like THAT! He deserved it!
Calvin puts a snowman on his toboggan. He tells Hobbes it's a crash test dummy. He's going to see if the hill is safe to go down. Calvin pushes the toboggan forward, and down it goes. They both watch the toboggan. Hobbes holds his paws over his mouth and says he thinks he's going to be sick. Calvin proclaims he wouldn't have steered that way. He says the snowman deserved it.

ch890203: Oh, no! The air pressure in this room is too high! Calvin's organs are in danger of collapsing! He... he's about to implode! We've got to get out of here! There's too much atmosphere! Sit still and behave. We can't eat at fast food places all the time.
Calvin claims the air pressure in the room is too high. He sucks in his cheeks and stretches his eyes vertically. He says his organs are in danger of collapsing. He's about to implode. Mom, Dad, and Calvin are sitting at a restaurant table. Calvin says they have to get out of there. There's too much atmosphere. Mom tells him to sit still and behave. She tells him they can't eat at fast food places all the time.

ch890204: These television programs sure are rotten. There isn't an ounce of imagination in the whole bunch. What bilge. Who do they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash? You. If there was anything BETTER on, I'd watch THAT.
Calvin complains the television shows are rotten. There's no imagination in the bunch. He asks Hobbes who they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash. As Hobbes walks off, he says "You". Calvin replies if there was anything better on, he would watch that.

ch890205: No text.
Calvin makes a bunch of tiny snowmen. He stands in the middle of them. He gets an evil look on his face. The tyrannosaurus is loose in the city. People are running in fear.

ch890206: You're taking a shower NOW? That means we're going out tonight, right? And you haven't told ME to get cleaned up, so that means I'm staying home, right? And if I'm staying home, that means you've gotten me a babysitter, right? And that means you've probably hired ROSALYN again, right?!? Brilliant, Holmes. AAAHHHHHH!
Calvin sees Mom with her hair wrapped in a towel. He says since she showered now, she and Dad must be going out. He also notices that he wasn't asked to clean up, so that means he's staying home. Since he's staying home, that means Mom has gotten a baby sitter. With a gasp, he realizes that means Mom probably hired Rosalyn! Mom confirms his fears by saying "Brilliant, Holmes". Calvin yells in horror.

ch890207: Quick, Hobbes! We've got to hide! Mom and Dad got ROSALYN for our baby sitter again! And you know what THAT means! It usually means we're in bed by 6:30. Right! No TV, no horsing around, NOTHING! She just walks in and sends us straight to bed! And then she doesn't even kiss us good nigh. Eww, gross. You WANT her to?!?
Calvin runs to his bedroom warning Hobbes that they have to hide since Rosalyn is coming. Hobbes says they're usually in bed by 6:30. Calvin adds they get no TV, no horsing around. She walks in and sends them straight to bed. Hobbes complains she doesn't even give them a good night kiss. Calvin makes a face and asks if he would really want her to.

ch890208: Where are you going tonight? Why can't Hobbes and I come? Why do we have to have a babysitter? We're going to dinner and a movie just to have some time to ourselves, OK? But we could come! Hobbes promises not to kill anyone! We'd be good! Really! Why won't you let us come? Why don't you want us around? Is the movie dirty? What's the problem?! Gosh, a dinner with real pauses in the conversation! Can you imagine?
Calvin asks Dad where they're going that night. He wonders why he and Hobbes can't come along. Dad says they're going to dinner and a movie to get some time by themselves. Calvin says that he could come. Hobbes wouldn't kill anyone. Calvin asks why they can't come, why aren't they wanted around. He asks if the movie's dirty or something. Dad tells Mom that they'll have a dinner with real pauses in the conversation. Can she imagine?

ch890209: Hi Rosalyn, come on in. Calvin's hiding upstairs from you, so you may have an easy evening. That would be great. I've got to study tonight for a big test tomorrow. Did you hear THAT? Did you hear THAT? Hee hee! Tonight: the revenge of the baby sat!
Mom lets Rosalyn in. She tells Rosalyn that Calvin is upstairs hiding from her, so she may have an easy evening. Rosalyn says that would be good, since she has to study for a big test tomorrow. Upstairs, Calvin and Hobbes are listening around the corner. As Hobbes rubs his paws together, and Calvin puts on an evil smile, he declares that tonight is "The Revenge of the Baby Sat".

ch890210: Hi Rosalyn! How are you? What are you going? Homework? Right. I've got to study for an exam tomorrow, so I want it quiet tonight. Got it? Oh, you bet, Roz. Hobbes and I won't make a peep. Can I see what you're studying? Don't touch anyth... I GOT HER NOTES! I GOT HER NOTES! RUN, HOBBES, RUN!! CALVIN!
Rosalyn is studying her papers at the table. Calvin comes up and asks what she's doing. She tells him she has to study tonight, so she wants it quiet. Calvin says he understands and tells her he and Hobbes won't make a peep. He asks to see what she's studying. As Rosalyn tells him not to touch anything, Calvin grabs her notes and runs away.

ch890211: GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES, YOU LITTLE CREEP! Run! Run! What are we going to do? She'll kill us! Into the bathroom! Lock the door! Quick! CALVIN! Open this door, or your parents will never find your remains! Boy, some baby sitter! Here go your notes!
Rosalyn chases Calvin, who has her study notes. Calvin and Hobbes run into the bathroom. They lock the door just before Rosalyn gets there. She tells Calvin through the bathroom door that if he doesn't open the door, his parents will never find his remains. Calvin holds her papers over the open toilet and tells her "Here go your notes".

ch890212: Hold still. Now boost! Lift! C'mon! Mph! Get your hand out of my eye! OK, forward! On the way back, you're carrying ME. Hey, I got some mail. It's a valentine card. From Susie Derkins! It says, "Please be my valentine." You're Susie's valentine! I'm not her valentine just because I got this in the mail, am I? Does the post-master general know about this? Calvin and Susie sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee! I don't have to KISS her, do I?! Is that what valentines do??! Oh, gross! First comes Lo-ove, Then comes marriage, Then comes a baby in a baby carriage! This can't be happening! I need a lawyer! She can't make me be her valentine! Here she comes! Here comes Susie! Hi, Calvin. Get away from me! I'm not your valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! Yecchh! That card wasn't for YOU, you moron. Didn't you read the back of the envelope? The back? "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes." HOBBES?! Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch city, here I come!
Calvin gets a valentine in the mailbox. It's from Susie Derkins. Calvin reads the card, which says "Be my valentine". Hobbes starts making fun of Calvin. He starts singing "Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Calvin says he's not her valentine just because he got that in the mail. He asks if the Postmaster General knows about this. Hobbes continues ridiculing Calvin by singing "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage". Calvin is horrified to think he has to kiss Susie if they're valentines. Calvin wants a lawyer. He says she can't make him her valentine. Hobbes sees Susie coming. Susie says hi to Calvin, who throws the valentine on the ground. He tells her to get away from him, and he's not her valentine. He tells her to take her card back. Susie tells Calvin the card wasn't for him. She asks if he read the back of the envelope. When Calvin looks at it, it reads "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes". Calvin is shocked! Hobbes, with a smile on his face, says "Hot Dog! Smooch City, here I come".

ch890213: Calvin, you've got two seconds to unlock this door and give me back my science notes! You know, Rosalyn, I'd suggest you adopt a more humble attitude. You wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to these notes, would you? YOU SCUMMY LITTLE TROLL! When your parents get home, I'll... FLUSH AUGH! There's ONE page!
Rosalyn pounds on the bathroom door telling Calvin he has two seconds to unlock the door and return her science notes. Calvin suggests she adopt a more humble attitude. He warns her she wouldn't want anything to happen to the notes. Rosalyn rattles the door knob, calls Calvin a "Scummy little troll". As she's telling him what she'll do when Calvin's parents get home, she hears the toilet flush. Calvin tells her "There's one page". Rosalyn is horrified.

ch890214: You'd better not have really flushed any of my notes! I've got a big test tomorrow! Well then, with that at stake, our demands should seem very reasonable! DEMANDS?! You don't get any demands! Unlock this door! Boy, you'd think a high school senior would catch on quicker. We should write the school board. Torpedo tube ready, Cap'n!
Rosalyn grits her teeth and says Calvin had better not really have flushed her notes. She has a test tomorrow. Calvin says with that at stake, his demands should seem reasonable. Rosalyn says he doesn't get any demands. She wants him to open the door. As Calvin walks over to the toilet, he says a high school senior should catch on quicker. He says he should write the school board. Hobbes readies the "torpedo tube".

ch890215: I sure hope you memorized this page already, because you're never going to see it again! NO! Don't flush it! Tell me what your stupid demands are. That's more like it! OK, first we want to stay up until my parents drive in. Second, we want you to go pick up a pizza and rent us a video player... YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND! Third... are you writing these down?
Calvin tells her he hopes she memorized the page already, because she'll never see it again. She tells him not to flush it and asks what his demands are. Calvin tells her he wants to stay up until his parents drive in. Then, he wants Rosalyn to get a pizza and rent a video player. She tells him he's out of his mind. Calvin continues and asks if she's writing these down.

ch890216: I don't hear her out there any more. Rosalyn?? Are you listening? We have more demands! Do you think she went away? Why would she? We've still got her science notes. Doesn't she want them any more? What's she doing? Maybe she's calling the fire department to ax open the door. Really? You think so? Gosh, that'd be GREAT! Real firemen with real axes! I hope they drive their biggest fire truck! I hope your parents are having a restful evening.
Hobbes doesn't hear Rosalyn any more. Calvin calls out to her. No answer. Calvin wonders if she went away. Hobbes says they still have her notes. Calvin can't figure out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders if she's calling the fire department to open the door with an axe. Calvin thinks that would be great. He hopes they bring their biggest truck. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad are having a restful evening.

ch890217: Rosalyn? Are you out here? Are you calling the fire departme... GOTCHA! OH NO! I didn't really flush your notes! They're all there! Go look! Please don't kill me! Phooey. Well, it's 7:00. We got to stay up half-hour later than usual.
Calvin opens the bathroom door and peeks out. He calls to Rosalyn, asking if she's calling the fire department. She darts around the corner and grabs Calvin. As she carries him off, he tells her he didn't really flush her notes. He says they're all there and asks her not to kill him. He's put to bed. Hobbes points out it's 7:00. They got to stay up a half hour longer than usual.

ch890218: Rosalyn? We're home. Hi Rosalyn. Did you have a quiet evening? Did you get your studying done? ... no, huh? I'm sorry, but tonight is really going to cost you. You're SURE no one else in this town will agree to baby-sit Calvin? Maybe YOU would like to spend a week on the phone!
Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks if Rosalyn had a quiet evening and got her studying done. Rosalyn has a worn look to her face. She says she's sorry, but tonight is going to cost them. Having paid Rosalyn, and her having left, Dad asks Mom if she's sure that no one in town will baby-sit Calvin. Mom replies that maybe he'd like to spend a week on the phone.

ch890219: What's this? A Calvin decoy. Pretty good, huh? Now I can find out who my enemies are! I'll hide behind that tree over there and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy, thinking it's me! Your enemies must not be very bright. That's why they're out to get me. They can't stand my genius. Hey, Calvin! I see a way your plan might fail. Pipe down, will ya? How can I hide when you're yelling to me from across ... SMACK! See there? My plan to discover my enemies was a complete success. Too bad you took off your coat and hat. You must be soaked.
Calvin builds a snowman he is using as a Calvin decoy. He dresses the snowman in his hat and coat. He tells Hobbes he's going to hide behind the tree and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy. He'll find out who his enemies are. Hobbes looks at the snowman and says Calvin's enemies must not be too bright. Calvin agrees, saying that's why they're out to get him. They can't stand his genius. As Calvin hides behind the tree, Hobbes yells that he sees a way his plan might fail. Calvin tells him to quiet down. Hobbes smacks Calvin with a snowball. Calvin, poking out upside down from the snow, says his plan to discover his enemies was a complete success. Hobbes says it's too bad he took off his hat and coat, because he must be soaked.

ch890220: Here we are, poised on the precipice of "suicide slope". Below us lie the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenalin rush, we prepare to hurl ourselves over the bring! What fate awaits us? Ready? No. Life and death hang in the balance! A fraction of a second and one wrong turn are all that separate them! This isn't helping.
On their sled, Calvin says they're at the top of "Suicide Slope". Below them are the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenaline rush, they prepare to go over the brink. What fate awaits them? Calvin asks if Hobbes is ready. Hobbes says no. Calvin goes on to say life and death hang in the balance. A fraction of a second and one wrong term is all that separate them. Hobbes tells him this isn't helping.

ch890221: Dad says the anitipationo of having something is often more fun than actually having it. I think he's crazy. I hate waiting for things. I like to have everything immediately. I can't think of ANYthing I'd rather anticipate than have right away. Can you? Death comes to mind. I don't know why I bother trying to have a little discussion with you when you're always so morbid.
Going down the slope, Calvin says Dad tells him the anticipation of something is often more fun than having it. Calvin thinks he's crazy. Calvin hates waiting for things. He likes to have things immediately. As they fly over a small gorge, Calvin can't think of anything he'd rather anticipate than have. He asks if Hobbes does. Hobbes covers his eyes and says death. As they head into the briar patch, Calvin doesn't know why he bothers discussing things with Hobbes when he's always so morbid.

ch890222: I wish snow was dry, so that you didn't get all cold and wet when you played in it. ...then again, if snow was dry, you couldn't pack it into snowballs. That wouldn't be good. I wish it snowed in summer. Wouldn't that be fun? ... Well no, actually that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. Heck, it's OK just the way it is. We're glad you approve.
Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes snow was dry so you didn't get all cold and wet when you play in it. Then, he mentions that you couldn't make snowballs, which is bad. He then wishes it snowed in summer. But that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. As he and Hobbes walk away, he decides things are okay as they are. Hobbes is glad he approves.

ch890223: You can always tell when you get to OUR house.
Mom and Dad are walking down the sidewalk. They look into a yard and see a snowman with a hat and broom. A little further on, they see a snowman with a scarf and cap. They keep walking past a snowman with a small snowman next to it. They come to their yard and see a snowman with two heads, with both heads having their mouths open. Dad says you can always tell when you get to their house.

ch890224: I think our snow forts are too far apart.
Calvin and Hobbes are each in a snow fort. There is a bunch of snowballs lying on the snow in front of each fort. Calvin says he thinks their snow forts are too far apart.

ch890225: Now let's see if Mom jumps out of HER skin.
Calvin bends his knees and jumps into the air. POP! His skeleton comes up from his skin. Calvin, the skeleton, leaves his skin in a pile and walks away. He says now he'll see if Mom jumps out of her skin.

ch890226: CLUMP The pteranodon spreads his giant wings, and...
Mom is sewing in her chair as Calvin walks by. Calvin walks by later with a conical hat and a cape. Mom keeps sewing. She hears a CLUMP and walks to the window to see what it was. She sees a ladder sitting against the wall. She races out of the house, looking up at the roof. The pteranodon spreads his wings and prepares to soar.

ch890227: Look at this, Hobbes! I could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs Beanie! See, It has a battery powered propeller on top and a big star on the front! Isn't that neat? You have to send in four box "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it, it says. Well, don't just stand there, or this will take forever. Ugh. This stuff always makes my heart skip.
Calvin, eating a bowl of cereal, tells Hobbes he could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs beanie. It has a battery-powered propeller on top and a star on the front. Hobbes notices you need to send in four "Proof of Purchase Seals" to get it. Calvin hands him a bowl and tells him to not just sit there or this will take forever. Hobbes says that cereal always makes his heart skip.

ch890228: Blechh, I feel sick. Oh, c'mon, that's only your second bowl of cereal. This stuff is pure sugar. But it's FORTIFIED with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of milk duds. Look, it says right on the box, "part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast." And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins... You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet.
Hobbes feels sick. Calvin chides him by telling him it's only his second bowl of cereal. Hobbes complains that it's pure sugar. Calvin retorts that it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes responds that it's like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin shows him on the box where it says its' a part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast. Hobbes points out the picture shows a guy eating five grapefruits and a dozen bran muffins. Calvin is shaking from all the sugar. He tells Hobbes that the reason Hobbes is shaking is due to a vitamin deficiency, he bets.

ch890301: Morning, Dad! How's your breakfast? Fine. Oatmeal, huh? A bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. Yes. Why don't you go describe your OWN food somewhere else? I'll bet you'd rather have a bowl of tasty, up-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, chocolate forsted sugar bobms! Can I pour you some? No, thanks. I'm trying to reach middle age. What are YOU having, Mom? Boring old toast and tea? YOU want the beanie, YOU eat the cereal, Calvin.
Calvin asks Dad how his breakfast is. Calvin describes Dad's oatmeal as a bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. He offers Dad a bowl of "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Dad says no thanks. He's trying to reach middle age. Calvin asks Mom if she's having boring old toast and tea. Mom tells him if he wants the beanie, he eats the cereal.

ch890302: 1 1/2 boxes to go, and I'll have enough "Proof of purchases seals" to order the propeller beanie they offer. 1 1/3 boxes to go. Man, I'm EARNING this.
Calvin's still eating cereal. He says he has one and a half more boxes to eat before he has enough "Proof of Purchase Seals" to order the propeller beanie they offer. He pours himself another bowl. He looks into the box. He says he has one and one third more boxes to go. His cheeks puff out and he sticks his tongue out. He says "Man, I'm earning this".

ch890303: Hobbes, I did it! I ate enough boxes of cereal to get all the proof of purchases seals I need! Now I can order my beanie! Oh, boy! I can't wait to get it! I'll be so cool! Not for over a month. It says to allow six weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?!? I'll be OLD then! And I'm sure your beanie will be the talk of the rest home.
Calvin excitedly tells Hobbes he ate enough cereal and has enough proofs of purchase to order his beanie. Calvin thinks it will be so cool, he can't wait. Hobbes tells him it says to allow six weeks for delivery. Calvin is shocked! In six weeks, he'll be old. Hobbes pats his head and says his beanie will be the talk of the rest home.

ch890304: Mom! Mom! Did my beanie come in the mail? Are you kidding? I just mailed your order this morning. I'm never going to make it six weeks,
Sitting in the school bus, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Sitting at his desk in school, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. Getting off the school bus at the end of the day, Calvin thinks of himself wearing the beanie. He asks Mom if his beanie came in the mail. She tells him she just mailed the order that day. Calvin shuffles off saying he'll never make it six weeks.

ch890305: I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par..."
Calvin tells Hobbes "A penny for your thoughts". Hobbes says his thoughts are worth a buck apiece. Calvin says that's outrageous, no thoughts are worth a dollar. Hobbes says his are. Calvin wouldn't give a nickel for any thought Hobbes has had in his whole flea-ridden existence. Hobbes raises the price to ten dollars. Calvin refuses to be extorted. He tells Hobbes to keep his thought. Hobbes tells him he'd beg to pay it if he knew what it was. Calvin asks Hobbes to tell it. Hobbes refuses. Calvin gives Hobbes a quarter. It's all he has. Hobbes demands to see the quarter. When he's paid, Calvin asks Hobbes what is his big, expensive thought. Hobbes replies "A fool and his money are soon parted". That starts a fight.

ch890306: Gosh, I can't wait to get my beanie! I hop it comes soon. Do you think it will? It's probably been almost six weeks by NOW, don't you think. I ordered the red beanie. But what if it's not in stock? Should I take the blue one, or wait for them to reorder? A blue one would be OK, I guess, but I sure hope they have a red one. I've always wanted a beanie like this, with a propeller. Boy, it'll be so cool when I have it. I can't wait. Wow! A red beanie! ... or a blue one. Do you think it will come tomorrow? Do you? It had sure better. Yeah, that's how I feel, too.
Calvin is chattering away at night in his bed about his beanie. Calvin hopes it comes soon. He thinks it's been six weeks. He goes on to say he ordered the red beanie, but what if it's not in stock. Should he take the blue one or wait for a reorder? Hobbes rolls his eyes. Calvin continues talking about always wanting a beanie. He says it will be so cool to have it. A red one...or a blue one. He asks Hobbes if he thinks it will come tomorrow. Hobbes is covering his head with a pillow trying to sleep. He says it sure had better.

ch890307: How was school today? Oh, it was a blast! ... Did my beanie come today?
Sitting at his desk at school, Calvin dreams of flying over the town in his beanie. He dreams of flying with the jet airliners. Mom asks him how school was. Calvin says it was a blast...did his beanie come today?

ch890308: Please let my beanie come today! I promise I won't ever be bad again! I'll do whatever you want! Please, please, please! I'll never ask another favor if today's the day I get my beanie! Did I get my beanie? Nope. WHAT'S IT TAKE, HUH?
At his desk, hands clenched in prayer, Calvin prays for the beanie to come in the mail that day. He promises he'll never be bad again. He promises never to ask for another favor if he gets the beanie today. He runs in the house and asks Mom if the beanie came. She says no. Calvin goes outside, looks into the sky, and yells "What's it take, huh".

ch890309: I can't believe this. Every day I get all my hopes up, thinking my beanie will come... and then it doesn't. And for each day that goes by, I figure the odds are better that it will come the NEXT day, so my hopes get higher and higher before they fall. It's awful. But I've been disappointed so often now, I'm finally getting numb to it. Maybe the mailman made a second trip today and delivered it in the last five minutes. Wow! I never thought of that! C'mon! He's not numb.
Calvin tells Hobbes he gets his hopes up every day, thinking his beanie will come, then it doesn't. Every day that goes by, he figures, increases his chances the next day will be the one. His hopes get higher and higher before they fall. He says he's been disappointed so often, he thinks he's getting numb to it. Hobbes says maybe the mailman made a second trip and came by and delivered it in the last five minutes. Calvin races off saying he never thought of that. Hobbes replies that he's not numb.

ch890310: The longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.
Calvin is sitting on the steps. He keeps sitting there, and he starts to doze off. Suddenly, he perks up and runs to the mailbox. He opens it, and he pulls out a couple envelopes. He looks disappointed. He says the longer you wait for the mail, the less there is in it.

ch890311: I'm home. I didn't get my propeller beanie today, did I? As a matter of fact, you did! IT'S HERE! Ha ha! It took weeks and weeks of waiting, but at long last it's finally here! Now I finally, finally get to put it on. "Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
Calvin walks through the door, looking tired. He asks if his beanie came in the mail. He's sure it didn't. Mom gives him the box and tells him it did come in. Calvin is ecstatic. He says it took weeks of waiting, but it's finally here. He gets to finally put it on. He tears the package open with a wild look in his eyes. He pulls out a paper from inside the box. It reads "Some assembly required. Batteries not included".

ch890312: Tigers don't worry about much, do they? Nope. That's one of the perks of being feral. I'm not having enough fun right now. You're not? I'm just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. It's Sunday. I've just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime, I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I don't want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say, "I'm having the time of my life right now!" But here I am and I'm NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever, even as we speak! We've got to have MORE fun! C'mon! I didn't realize fun was so much work. Sure! When you're SERIOUS about having fun, it's not much fun at all!
Calvin complains to Hobbes that he's only having a little fun, when he should be having a lot of fun. Since it's Sunday, he only has a precious few hours of freedom before he has to return to school. He has to squeeze all the possible fun out of the day. Valuable minutes are disappearing, as Calvin is not having the time of his life. He tells Hobbes they have to have more fun. Off they run. Hobbes says he didn't realize fun was so much work. Calvin says when you're serious about having fun, it's not much fun at all.

ch890313: Can you believe this? I've got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am, an engineer? Look, I've got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I can't do this! Here, let me try. No! Get away! I'LL do it! You'd probably goof it all up, or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time!
Calvin isn't happy that he has to assemble his beanie propeller and motor himself. Calvin asks if they think he's an engineer. He has to insert wires into a plastic switch. He says he can't do this. Hobbes offers to try. Calvin says no and grabs the switch away from Hobbes. He says Hobbes will probably goof it all up. SNAP! Something breaks. Calvin is horrified, but Hobbes says when you insult a tiger it's bad luck every time.

ch890314: MY MOTOR BROKE! THE PIECE SNAPPED! NOW MY BEANIE PROPELLOR WON'T WORK!! AAGHHGHHH! I waited WEEKS for this and now it's BROKEN, and I didn't even get to WEAT it! STUPID ROTTEN PIECES OF LOUSY JUNK!! It's all YOUR fault! RRGHHGHHGH! MY fault?! I was just sitting here. YOU broke it! You WILLED me to break it! You did some subliminal thing! Don't deny it! I know you did! You MUST have! OK, NOW I'm willing you to go jump in the septic tank.
Calvin is horrified! His motor broke, the piece snapped. He's worried his beanie propeller won't work. He rants that he waited for weeks, and now it's broken. He never got to wear the beanie. He turns to Hobbes and says it was his fault. He tries to hit Hobbes, who holds him away by his head. Hobbes reminds him he was just sitting. Calvin broke it. Calvin angrily accuses Hobbes of willing him to break it by using some subliminal thing. Hobbes concentrates and says he's willing Calvin to go jump in the septic tank.

ch890315: What are you mad at ME for?! Get away from me! I don't even want to talk to you! YOU broke your beanie motor, not ME! I didn't do anything! You distracted me! I did not! I was just SITTING here! You broke it all by yourself! *sniff* *sniffle* ... all right... I know... But considering that my life's in shambles right now, could you at least take the blame?
Hobbes asks Calvin why he's mad at him. Calvin doesn't even want to talk to Hobbes. Hobbes points out Calvin broke the beanie, not him. Calvin insists Hobbes distracted him. Hobbes points a finger at Calvin and says he was just sitting there, Calvin broke it by himself. Calvin sniffles his agreement, then adds that considering his life is in shambles right now, couldn't Hobbes at least take the blame.

ch890316: Dad, can you fix my beanie? I broke the propellor motor trying to put the pieces together. Well, let's see. This isn't too bad. You just snapped the battery case. I'll just glue it together and insert the switch for you, OK? There! Good as new! Now just let this sit awhile so the glue can set. You did it! You fixed it! I can't believe it! HEY, MOM! Dad fixed something! He DID?? Your DAD?? ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!
Calvin sadly brings his motor and propeller to Dad, asking if he can fix it. Dad looks at it and decides Calvin only broke the battery case. He glues it together and inserts the switch. He holds it up and declares it good as new. He says they'll let it sit so the glue dries. Calvin happily says Dad fixed it. He can't believe it. He calls out to Mom that Dad actually fixed something.

ch890317: Look, Hobbes! Dad fixed my beanie! Well? How's it look? Adjectives fail me. I'm turning it on. Ready? Here goes. I don't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. THAT's the word I was looking for.
Calvin runs out to show Hobbes his completed beanie. He puts it on and asks Hobbes how it looks. Hobbes thinks about it and says adjectives fail him. Calvin turns the beanie on. The propeller spins. Calvin says he doesn't seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. Hobbes points and says that's the word he was looking for.

ch890318: I'm not flying! This beanie doesn't make me fly! What's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it? What a rip-off! I ate all that cereal, waited weeks and weeks to get the beanie, assembled it myself, and the dumb thing doesn't even fly! At least it's not a TOTAL loss. It came in this great cardboard box. Oh, boy! NOW we'll have some fun!
Calvin tells Hobbes the beanie isn't making him fly. He asks what's the point of a propeller beanie if you can't even fly when you wear it. Hobbes offers that the point isn't "style", certainly. Calvin kicks the beanie and complains that he ate all that cereal, waited all those weeks, assembled it, and it doesn't fly. What a rip off! He says it's not a total loss, though. It came in a great cardboard box.

ch890319: Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh....
Calvin is sleepy and sighs at his school desk. Suddenly, the desk grows into a dinosaur. Calvin hops onto the dinosaur as it runs out of the school. Miss Wormwood smacks Calvin's desk with a stick, and he wakes up. Gradually, his eyes close again and he sighs. This time, he's flying on the back of a pterodactyl.

ch890320: C'mon, Calvin! This is the third time I've called you to get up. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to school. Well, you HAVE to, whether you want to or not, so let's move. For your information, I don't HAVE to do anything I don't WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.
Mom opens Calvin's bedroom door and tells him this is the third time she's called him. He needs to get up. Calvin grumbles that he doesn't want to get up or go to school. Mom says he has to, whether he wants to or not. Calvin sits up in the bed and tells Mom that for her information, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Mom asks if that's so. Calvin, standing outside waiting for the school bus, says Mom sure can make you want to do something.

ch890321: I don't want to catch the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be here at all. I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.
Calvin is grousing about not wanting to catch the bus or go to school. With a frown on his face, he says he's tired of everyone telling him what to do. He hates his life, he hates everything. He wishes he was dead. He thinks about it, then says not really. He says he wishes everyone else was dead.

ch890322: Hi Calvin. HMPH. Oh, YOU'RE real pleasant this morning. What's the matter with you? Go step in front of a cement mixer, OK? What a pill you are! What a jerk! Well, who needs YOU?! You can stand there and be grumpy all by yourself! HMPH. Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
Susie says hi to Calvin. HMPH, he grumbles. Susie asks what's the matter. Calvin tells her to go step in front of a cement mixer. Susie calls Calvin a jerk. She tells him he can just stand there and be grumpy all by himself. Now Susie is frowning. Calvin gives a nasty smile and thinks nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

ch890323: What are you so mad about anyway? Couldn't you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey, where IS your insect collection? It's due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No, that's not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY??
Susie asks Calvin what he's so mad about. She asks if he didn't find all the bugs he needed for his insect collection. Susie asks where his collection is, since it's due today. Calvin, with a start, says he forgot his collection. Susie tells him to go home and get it. He might make it back before the bus arrives. Calvin gets on the ground and says that's not what he meant. He tells Susie to help him find some ants. She asks if he forgot it entirely.

ch890324: Don't just stand there, Susie! Help me catch bugs! Are you crazy?! We were supposed to be working on our insect collections all this month! You can't do the whole thing on the last morning while you wait for the bus! How could you have possibly forgotten it, anyway? It's all the class has been doing! Where have you been?? Don't you pay attention?! Don't you care about getting a good education?! If any bugs fly in your open mouth, can I have them?
Calvin is running around trying to catch bugs. He tells Susie to help him. She explains they were supposed to be working on the projects all month. She tells him he can't do the whole thing on the last morning while waiting for the bus. She asks how he could possibly have forgotten it. She tells him it's all the class has been doing. What has he been doing? Susie asks if he doesn't care about getting a good education. Calvin, on hands and knees looking for bugs, asks Susie if he can have any bugs that fly into her open mouth.

ch890325: Here comes the bus, Calvin. It's hopeless. There's a bug! You're wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didn't spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. We're supposed to have 50 insects. You'll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me!
Susie tells him the bus is coming. Calvin finds a bug. Susie tells him he's wasting his time. The teacher will know he didn't spend any time on the collection. Calvin tells her to stall the bus driver. Susie reminds him they were supposed to have 50 insects. He'll be lucky to have any. Calvin jumps into the air and stomps on a bug. He holds his shoe up to Susie and asks what kind it is. He tells her to scrape it off. Susie runs off, telling him to get away from her.

ch890326: Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Mom opens the bedroom door and tells him to get out of bed, he's going to miss the bus. He stands at the blackboard doing a math problem. Miss Wormwood tells him to sit down if he doesn't know the answer. Moe holds him up by his shirt, clenches his fist, and asks Calvin if he wants to see if there's an afterlife. As Calvin tries to go out his bedroom window, he's told he can't go out to play until his homework is done. Calvin stirs his dinner, and Dad tells him just to eat it and not to play with it. Mom tells him to quit stalling and to take his bath. Dad turns off the TV and tells him he can't stay up later and to go to bed. Mom comes in after Calvin climbs in bed. She kisses his forehead and tells Calvin to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big day. After the light is turned out, Calvin sighs.

ch890327: Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I can't believe you're doing this. Hey, ask that kid if he's got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin, there's no way you're going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well, maybe you're right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? I'll give you a quarter... or here, 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS!
On the bus, Calvin is still looking for bugs. He checks the bus window. Susie can't believe he's doing this. He tells her to ask another kid if he has bugs in his window. Susie tells him there's no way he'll complete an insect collection on the way to school. She tells him to forget it. He agrees. Then, Calvin asks Susie how much she wants for her collection. He starts at a quarter, then raises it to thirty cents. Susie replies that she spent a month on it.

ch890328: Hey, here's a worm! Worms are bugs, aren't they? Eww gross, Calvin! That's been floating in a puddle for days. Class doesn't start for 10 minutes. If I can catch 5 bugs a minute, I'll get an "A"on my collection. See, I'm off to a good start. Five bugs a minute?! You're out of your mind. Here's another already. That's a little ball of lint! Like I'm sure the teacher's going to look REAL CLOSE at every hairy bug in the 30 kids' collections!
Calvin looks at a puddle. He sees a worm. He asks if worms are bugs. Susie tells him that worm has been floating for days. Calvin has ten minutes before class starts. If he catches five bugs a minute, he'll get an "A". He finds another insect on the ground. Susie tells him that's a little ball of lint. Calvin is sure the teacher won't look real close at every hairy bug in 30 kids' collections.

ch890329: RINNGGGG There's the bell. We've got to go to class. Rats. I didn't get 50 bugs yet. What do you have? One drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that LOOKS like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Well, if you label them scientifically in the next 30 seconds, maybe you'll get an "F+". We've got to LABEL these TOO?!? I was just going to put them all in an envelope. Actually, I don't think there's any way you'll get an "F+". For all this work, I'd better at least get a "D".
The bell rings. Calvin doesn't have his insects. He has a drowned worm, a piece of fuzzy lint that looks like a bug, a live ant, and a smashed fly. Susie offers that if he scientifically names them in the next 30 seconds, he might get an "F+". Calvin asks if he has to label them, too. He was going to put them all in an envelope. Susie says she doesn't think there's any way he'll get an "F+". Calvin suggests that for all that work, he should at least get a "D".

ch890330: How did you mount your insects, Susie? In this box with pins. Hmm... I don't have a box or pins. I guess I'll just stick my bugs on notebook paper. Oops. Tape doesn't work too well. Gross. I hope I can get him back together. Can I borrow your paste? The way you're going, maybe you'd prefer a stapler.
Calvin asks how Susie mounted her bugs. She tells him with pins, in a box. Calvin decides to mount his bugs on notebook paper. Tape doesn't work too well as he tears the worm. He asks Susie for her paste. She makes a face and suggests at the rate he's going, maybe he'd prefer a stapler.

ch890331: Psst... Susie! Help me think up scientific name of my bugs while the teacher's not looking. Shhh! We're not supposed to talk in class. Do it yourself. Having a pleasant conversation, Miss Derkins? Perhaps you'd like to sit up front, so you won't distract Calvin any more? Oh, I TRIED to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.
Calvin whispers over to Susie to help him think of scientific names of his bugs while the teacher's not looking. Susie tells him they're not supposed to talk in class. She tells him to do it himself. Miss Wormwood asks if Susie is having a pleasant conversation. Susie is horrified! Miss Wormwood asks her to move up front so she doesn't distract Calvin anymore. Calvin says he tried to get her to be quiet, but you know how girls are.

ch890401: Ooooh, that rotten Calvin! I hate him! I hate him! HE'S the one who didn't do his assignment! HE'S the one who was talking in class! HE'S the one who should be sitting here at the front of the room, not ME! I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I'M the one who got in trouble! I sure hope Calvin feels terrible about this! Hey Susie, How's the view way up there? Ha! Ha! Calvin P.S. Try to steal a chalkboard eraser for me.
Susie is angry at her desk. She's mad at Calvin. He didn't do his assignment, he was the one who was talking, he should be sitting up front instead of her. As she covers her face with her hands, she thinks she wasn't doing anything wrong, but she got in trouble. She hopes Calvin feels bad about it. Calvin is writing Susie a note which asks her how the view is up there. He writes that he wants her to try to steal a chalkboard eraser for him.

ch890402: Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
Spaceman Spiff blasts across the galaxy. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to demonstrate the next problem. A Zok death sloop appears and fries Spiff's stabilizers. He hurls out of control toward his doom. Calvin writes the math problem on the chalkboard. The situation is desperate. What can our hero do? He downshifts his spacecraft and...stalls. Calvin writes a bunch of numbers and lines on the board. The class bell rings. Oh, darn, out of time. Spaceman Spiff once again beats all odds to save the day.

ch890403: Psst... here! Hey Susie, Roses are red, A deep crimson hue, When you got in trouble, You sure were too! Ha! Ha! Calvin. Calvin, you dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, nasty piece of moldy scum!!! Drop dead! I hope you... Writing notes in class now, are we, Susie? Hey, look! She's turning red again! EEP!
Susie is passed a note. It's from Calvin. He wrote a poem. Roses are red, a deep crimson hue, when you got in trouble, you sure were too. Susie is enraged. She starts writing a note to Calvin, calling him dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, and a nasty piece of moldy scum. As she's writing, Miss Wormwood catches her and asks if she's now writing notes in class. Once again, Susie is horrified!

ch890404: Oh, no. How can this be happening? I've been sent to see the PRINCIPAL! This is all CALVIN'S fault! He's the one who got me in all this trouble! I'm so scared! What am I going to do?? I think they make the hall to the Principal's office this big on purpose.
Susie is being sent to the principal's office. She is very worried. She says it's all Calvin's fault. He got her in trouble. She wonders what she'll do. As she walks down the wide, empty hall toward the office, she says that they make the hall to the principal's office that wide on purpose.

ch890405: Wow, Susie got sent to the Principal's office! She's in trouble NOW, all right! *wheww* I sure was lucky the teacher blamed Susie for everything. What a break! Oh, no! What if Susie rats on me!? Suppose they make her sing! Suppose she squeals! Suppose she fingers me! Oh, I'm so relieved. I was afraid you wouldn't believe me. Oh, yes, we've got quite a file on our friend Calvin.
Calvin, at his desk, thinks that Susie is really in trouble. He wipes his brow and thinks he got a break when the teacher blamed Susie for everything. Suddenly, he worries if Susie will rat on him, if they'll make her sing, if she'll squeal, and if she'll finger him. Susie is talking to the principal. She tells him she was worried he wouldn't believe her. The principal brings out a folder bulging with papers. He says they have quite a file on their friend, Calvin.

ch890406: Here comes Susie, back from the Principal's office. Boy, does she look plae. I wonder what happened. She's talking to the teacher now. Psst! Susie, what did they do to you? Did you get expelled? You didn't snitch on ME, did you? You DID snitch! You're a STOOLIE! A canary! You're going up the river, Calvin. Calvin, will you come here, please?
Calvin sees Susie returning from the principal's office. He thinks she looks pale. He wonders what happened. Calvin whispers over to her. He asks what they did to her. Did she get expelled? He asks if she snitched on him, and Susie looks at him with an evil smile. Calvin says she's a stoolie, a canary. She tells him he's going up the river.

ch890407: So FIRST I got in trouble for not paying attentioni n class and for turning in a last-minute insect collection, which I got a "D-minus" on. THEN I got in trouble for getting SUSIE in trouble when I wanted her to help me fudge the project. THEN I got in trouble when I told Mom, and THEN I got in trouble AGAIn when SHE told DAD! I've been in hot water ever since I got up! Wow. I'll bet this makes you get your book report finished right on time. My what?
Calvin is telling Hobbes that first, he got in trouble for not paying attention in class. He turned in his last-minute insect collection, for which he received a "D minus minus". Then, he got in trouble for getting Susie into trouble. Then, he got in trouble when he told Mom and then got in trouble again when she told Dad. He complains he's been in hot water since he got up. Hobbes tells Calvin that he bets all that makes him get his book report finished right on time. Calvin replies "My what".

ch890408: One of nature's most peculiar-looking creatures, the giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height enables him to much on the most succulent morsels most difficult to reach.
The giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height allows him to munch the succulent morsels most difficult to reach. Calvin is on stilts, walking over to the cookie jar on top the cabinet.

ch890409: Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's "right"or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe in ethics anymore. As far as he's concerned, the end justifies the means. He goes on to say you should get while the getting's good, might makes right, and winners write the history books. He figures it's a dog-eat-dog world, so he'll do what he has to and let others argue whether it's "right" or not. Hobbes pushes Calvin into a mud puddle. Calvin asks why he did that. Hobbes tells him he was in his way, now he's not. The end justifies the means. Calvin tells him he didn't mean for everyone, just him.

ch890410: GOTCHA!! HEY! Just what do you think you're doing back down HERE?! You didn't read me my rights.
Calvin is running through the house. Mom finally catches him and puts him to bed. He remembers something. Mom sees him playing with his toys downstairs. She asks what he thinks he's doing back down there. Calvin replies that Mom didn't read him his rights.

ch890411: Dad! Dad! Outer space aliens just landed in the back yard! Oh, reall. What do they look like? Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say. Did they say what they want? Yeah, they want 10 dollars. I'll bet they do. Since you're so busy, you can give the money to me, and I'll take it over to them.
Calvin runs up to Dad, telling him aliens just landed in their back yard. Dad asks what they look like. Calvin tells him like baked potatoes with laser guns. Dad asks if they said what they wanted. Calvin replies they want ten dollars. Dad says he bets they do. Calvin offers that since Dad is so busy, he could give the money to Calvin and he'll take it over to them.

ch890412: No text.
Calvin is walking along with a closed umbrella. It starts to sprinkle, and Calvin opens the umbrella. As it's pouring, he sets the umbrella down upside down so he makes a little pool. He happily sits in the pool.

ch890413: How come YOU always read me my bedtime stories and not Mom? Because reading the bedtime story is the Dad's job. And it appears to be the ONLY "Dad's job" around here! Left the dishes for Mom again, huh? Tonight's story is called, "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single." Prince WHAT?
Calvin asks Dad why he always reads his bedtime stories and not Mom. Dad tells him that's the Dad's job. From the other room, Mom yells that it appears to be the only Dad's job around here. Calvin asks Dad if he left the dishes for Mom, again. Dad yells back to the other room that tonight's story is called "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single".

ch890414: I've been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come! What will the history books say? They'll say, "Much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub."What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!? My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly?
Calvin is in the bathtub talking to Hobbes. He asks Hobbes to suppose Calvin grows up to become one of the world's greatest men of all time. Suppose his name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come. He asks what he history books will say, then answers that he spent much of his childhood unwillingly in the bathtub. Calvin complains that his being in the tub is an indignity. He asks if this situation is worthy of one of the greatest men of all time. Calvin laments his likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Hobbes asks if he'd rather they say his childhood was dirty and smelly.

ch890415: NNNGKGKK HOCCHHHH PTOOEY! Boy, they sure go farther when you make 'em right! Let's make up a NEW contest, OK?
Calvin plugs one nostril and snorts in. He opens his mouth to dredge up some saliva. PTOOEY! He spits it out. He proudly tells Hobbes that they sure go farther when you make them up right. Hobbes, making a face and holding his stomach, suggests they make up a new contest.

ch890416: I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained.
Calvin runs from the school bus. He approaches his door, but stops to think. He sneaks around the house and enters a window. He tiptoes over to the front door, where he starts to open it. He yells that he's home. Hobbes leaps by heading out the front door. Calvin closes and locks the door behind Hobbes, calling him a chump. There's a knock on the door. Calvin yells out that he's not opening the door, and that he can just stay out there all night. Mom is standing outside the house, at the door, with two grocery bags. Hobbes is sitting on the step. Mom says she can't wait to hear this one explained.

ch890417: HIC HIC HIC (hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic) the (hic) ... the hic (hic) the (hic) What is it? What do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? What?? The (hic hic) I have (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic) ... I love doing this.
Calvin is hiccupping. He walks over to Hobbes to tell him. Each time he tries to say he has hiccups, he can't finish the sentence. Hobbes starts asking him what he has. He asks if Calvin has a dollar, a comic book, what? Calvin continues to try to tell Hobbes, but he keeps hiccupping. Hobbes, with an impish smile, says he loves doing this.

ch890418: Help me (hic) get (hic) rid of (hic) these darn (hic) hic (hic) hiccups! How? (hic) Scare me. OK... Our oceans are filled with garbage, we've created a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it... (hic) I mean, SURPRISE me (hic). That doesn't?! Boy, you're cynical.
Calvin finally tells Hobbes he has the hiccups. Calvin tells Hobbes to scare him. Hobbes tells him the oceans are filled with garbage, there's a hole in the ozone that's frying the planet, and nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it. Calvin tells Hobbes that he means surprise him. Hobbes asks if that doesn't. He says "Boy, you're cynical".

ch890419: Here. Drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. The (hic) far side of (hic) the glass? (hic) How do I (hic) do THAT? You have to bend your head way over. Oh (hic) I see. (hic) Thanks. Now I've got the hiccups AND water up my nose. I think most hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
Hobbes gives Calvin a cup of water. He says drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. Calvin tries to figure out how to do that. Hobbes says he has to bend his head way over. Calvin tries it, and water pours over him. He thanks Hobbes because he now has hiccups and water up his nose. Hobbes says he thinks most hiccup cures were invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

ch890420: These (hic) hiccups are driving me (hic) crazy. Eat a spoonful of sugar. That's supposed to help. I'll (hic) try anything. CRUNCH SMACK SMACK Well? Are you cured? (hic) Nope. I'd better (hic) eat some more.
Calvin says the hiccups are killing him. Hobbes says eating a spoonful of sugar is supposed to help. Calvin tries it. Hobbes asks if he's cured. Calvin says no, he better eat some more. He digs the spoon back into the sugar.

ch890421: My hiccups are gone! They finally went away all by themselves! What a relief! AAUGHH! Did I scare you? Did I cure your hiccups? hic hic hic hic hic
Calvin stops. His hiccups went away by themselves. He's relieved. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces on Calvin. He asks Calvin if he scared him and cured his hiccups. Calvin hiccups several times.

ch890422: Look, Calvin, I brought home some jelly doughnuts. Would you like one? No, jelly doughnuts gross me out. They're like eating giant squishy bugs. You bit into them and all their purple guts spill out the other end. You can eat them. My friends ask me how I stay thin.
Mom asks Calvin if he'd like to have a jelly donut. Calvin makes a face and says jelly donuts gross him out. They're like eating giant, squishy bugs. You bite into them and their purple guts spill out the other end. He walks off telling Mom she can eat them. Mom pushes the bag aside and says her friends ask her how she stays thin.

ch890423: I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
In bed, Calvin says at night the world seems big and scary. He wishes he could fall asleep. He looks over at Hobbes, who's sleeping. He notices that Hobbes looks funny when he sleeps. Hobbes closes his eyes so tight. He wonders what Hobbes is dreaming about. Calvin touches him and says he's a friend. Calvin lies back down and says things are never quite as scary when you have a best friend. He closes his eyes, and he falls asleep next to Hobbes.

ch890424: Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time, we're going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dad's waiting. But what if I forgot something? We're only going overnight. You'll get by.
Mom scoots Calvin along. She says they were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. Calvin asks where they're going. Mom tells him for the hundredth time they're going to a wedding. She tells him to get in the car, Dad's waiting. As Calvin climbs in, he asks what if he forgot something. Dad says they'll only be gone overnight. Hobbes' tail pokes out from the covers on Calvin's bed.

ch890425: Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We can't turn around, Calvin. We're late already. But DA-AD!! You could've been ready on time and had all your things together, but you put up a fuss about going, made us late, and you forgot your tiger. It's your own fault. You'd turn around if we'd forgotten MOM! That's because she's the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
Calvin tells Dad to turn the car around. He forgot Hobbes. Dad says they can't turn around, they're late already. Dad tells him he could have been ready on time and had his things ready. He didn't, he put up a fuss, made them late, and he forgot his tiger. Dad tells Calvin it's his own fault. Calvin says Dad would turn around if they'd forgotten Mom. Dad tells him that's because she's the only person who knows where they're going.

ch890426: When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I don't even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I can't believe we left him at home. I hope he's OK. What's he going to eat? We didn't leave any food out, and we'll be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think I'll let Dad go into the house first.
Dad, Mom, and Calvin are sitting in the church at the wedding. Calvin is frowning, wondering when the wedding will be over. He doesn't even know these people. Calvin thinks it would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was there. Calvin wonders what Hobbes will eat. They didn't leave any food out. Calvin realizes they'll be gone almost two whole days, Hobbes will be starving. He thinks he'll let Dad go into the house first.

ch890427: Hey, Mom, how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Don't play with the phone, Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure he's OK. Hobbes isn't going to answer the phone. Don't be silly. You'll see him tomorrow. But he's probably all lonely! I'm sure he's having a good time. I hope he isn't renting some movie that I wanted to see.
In the hotel room, Calvin asks Mom how to make a long-distance call. He wants to call Hobbes to make sure he's okay. Mom tells him Hobbes won't answer and not to be silly. She reminds him he'll see Hobbes tomorrow. Calvin says Hobbes is probably all lonely. Mom says she's sure Hobbes is having a good time. Calvin hopes Hobbes isn't renting some movie Calvin wanted to see.

ch890428: Mom, I can't sleep. I'm sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isn't here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well, you can listen to your Dad snoring. That's Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
Calvin tells Mom he can't sleep. Mom says he can if he lies quietly. Calvin says Hobbes isn't there. He says tigers are comforting. He always falls asleep when he listens to Hobbes breathing. Mom says Calvin can listen to Dad snoring. Calvin says he thought that noise was trucks downshifting on the highway.

ch890429: Well, we're finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy, I didn't think we'd EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh, it's drafty in here... The window's smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
The family arrives home, and Calvin runs into the house to see Hobbes. Mom says she didn't think they'd ever get home. She says the whole trip was one long compliant about leaving Hobbes at home. Dad says next time, they should bring the tiger and forget the kid. Dad notices it's drafty in the house. Calvin points out the smashed window. Mom is horrified that somebody broke in. Calvin runs off to find Hobbes.

ch890430: True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of "a little kindness", I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin wishes people were more like animals. He tells Hobbes animals don't try to change you, they just enjoy the pleasure of your company. He explains animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, comfort you when you're sad. All they ask in return is a little kindness. Hobbes sobs that it's all true and he blows his nose loudly. Hobbes tells Calvin that speaking of a little kindness, he'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that he happens to make one. Calvin says that of course, some animals get on your nerves once in a while.

ch890501: Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
Dad goes to call the police. Calvin runs for Hobbes. Mom can't believe it's happening. Calvin runs to Mom asking her to help him find Hobbes. Mom calms him down by saying Hobbes is around there somewhere. She doesn't think anyone would steal a stuffed tiger. Calvin sniffs that Hobbes is so trusting.

ch890502: The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL "someone else" to someone else.
Dad says the police are sending someone over. He asks Mom if she's figured out what's missing. Mom says she's been looking for Hobbes since Calvin's almost hysterical. Dad says he feels hysterical himself. Mom hopes the police arrive soon. She's scared. Dad says that this is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. Unfortunately, he says, we're all "someone else" to someone else.

ch890503: Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable.
Calvin looks in the closet for Hobbes. As he races through the house, he's saying he told Mom and Dad they left Hobbes behind. He tried to get them to turn around to get him, and now Hobbes was alone when the house was broken into. Calvin looks under the sofa. He says Mom told him Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. He sits with tears falling down his face. He sniffs and says that he thinks Hobbes is valuable.

ch890504: Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes.
Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again.

ch890505: ... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
Dad tells the police officer the TV was stolen. Calvin comes over and tells the officer he bets the burglars ran off when they saw there was a tiger in the house. Dad tells him he's busy, and not to bother them now. Calvin continues by saying no one sticks around when he sees a tiger. He says Hobbes has mandibles of death. Dad tries to push Calvin to Mom. Calvin keeps talking about Hobbes looking at mug shots and going to the station to look at suspects. The officer thinks that he sure meets the weirdos in this job.

ch890506: I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.

ch890507: Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man.

ch890508: Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??
Dad asks Mom if Calvin's asleep. She says he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Dad doesn't know how he's going to sleep. Mom agrees. She can't get over what happened. The idea of a stranger going through their house makes her shiver. She wishes she had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. She hugs Dad. He complains that how come he's the grown-up. What does he get to snuggle?

ch890509: This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.
Dad is sitting up in bed. He thinks it's going to be a long night. His heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2:00, and he's wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your home, you're not safe anywhere. He lays back down and thinks a man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress.

ch890510: Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Mom asks Dad if he's still awake. Dad is. When he was little, he never thought about grown-ups worrying about anything. He trusted his parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to him they might not know how. He thought when you were an adult, you automatically knew what to do in a given scenario. He says he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if he knew the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

ch890511: Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that.
Mom thinks that at least they weren't at home when the house was broken into. No one was hurt, and they're all together and OK. They lost a few nice things, but things don't matter much really. As she cuddles up with Dad, she thinks it's hard to believe how often they forget that.

ch890512: Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity.
At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused. Mom says he didn't finish his dinner. Calvin says he didn't like it very much, and there's a TV show he wants to watch. Mom reminds him the TV was stolen. Calvin is disappointed. He says he'll eat his asparagus, do his homework, then go straight to bed. Mom says they're proud of how he handles adversity.

ch890513: This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE!
Calvin shows Hobbes where their TV used to be. Calvin says they don't have a TV to watch, only a blank wall. He complains about not being entertained. Hobbes asks if it's a pointless existence. Calvin says that the wall is even plain old white.

ch890514: Dear Mom, How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom, wake up! I made you a Mother's Day card! Why, how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red, But then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me, instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all." "Happy Mother's Day to you. There, I said it. Now I'm done. So how 'bout getting out of bed, and cooking breakfast for your son?" I'm deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance?
Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved.

ch890515: Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's going to start a new club, and he can be in it. Calvin explains they'll have secret names, secret codes and secret handshake. They'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock. Hobbes asks why all the secrecy? Calvin tells him people pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something.

ch890516: OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it "The Hobbes Fan Club"! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club"! I still like my idea better.
Calvin says the first thing they'll need is a name for their secret club. Hobbes suggests "The Hobbes Fan Club". Calvin is outraged. He says the name has to be mysterious. Something vaguely ominous and chilling. He suggests "The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club". Hobbes likes his idea better.

ch890517: I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President.
Calvin decides the club name should be Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, or G.R.O.S.S. The first order of business is to elect officers. Hobbes wants to be president. Calvin says no, because the whole idea of the club was his. So he gets to be president. Hobbes says then he wants to be king and tyrant. Calvin changes his mind and says that's what he wants to be. Hobbes can be president.

ch890518: Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! "Slimy girls"?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.
Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the "slimy girls" part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean.

ch890519: I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club!
Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club.

ch890520: OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
Calvin and Hobbes finish their club's sign. Now they need to find a secret meeting place. Calvin wants to set up a card table in the garage. He says it would be perfect for drawing maps and stuff. The car is parked in the garage, which leaves little room. Calvin decides to push the car out of the garage. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't ask his Mom first. Calvin says she won't care if they push it out. Hobbes reminds him in the past, he's been a remarkably poor judge of what his Mom cares about.

ch890521: BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Let's face it, we're aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi, Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. We're doing big important things, and we don't need to mess them up. It doesn't look to ME like you're doing anything important. Well we are, so go away. We've wasted too much time talking to you already. You're just playing in the mud! That's just what it LOOKS like to ignorant girls like you! Get lost! All right, you little creep! I don't need you! I've got better things to do than sit in the mud like a pig! A PIG?! By golly, I'll show YOU! Don't bend over! Your curly pink tail shows! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! EAT SOME MUD, SUSIE! Ha ha! You missed! Oink! Oink! Oink! Ahh, spring! THat magical time of the year when a young man's fancy turns to love! Shut up.
Susie asks if she can play with Calvin. Calvin informs Susie that he and Hobbes aren't playing. They're doing important things and don't need her to mess them up. It doesn't look to Susie like they're doing anything important. Calvin tells her he's spent too much time talking with her and to go away. She says he's just playing in the mud. Calvin tells her that's what it looks like to ignorant girls like her. He tells her to get lost. Susie says she's got better things to do than sitting in the mud like a pig. Calvin gets angry! He says he'll show her as he grabs some mud. Susie taunts him by saying he shouldn't bend over, his curly pink tail shows. Calvin throws mud at Susie, but misses. She taunts him as she runs away. Calvin steams back to Hobbes. Hobbes calls spring that magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Calvin tells him to shut up.

ch890522: Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them.
Calvin asks Hobbes to help him push the car out of the garage. Hobbes still thinks Calvin should ask Mom. Calvin says she'd probably say no, then they wouldn't have the garage for their clubhouse. Hobbes replies if they don't ask her, they'll get in trouble. Calvin says they won't get in trouble. Hobbes says every time he says that, they do. Calvin figures Mom wouldn't care about these things if she didn't keep finding out about them.

ch890523: Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered.
Calvin tells Hobbes to quit being such a baby. They'll move the car ten feet. What could go wrong? Hobbes says every time he says that, his tail gets bushy. Calvin says Mom will be glad they did it themselves and didn't bother her. They start pushing the car, and it keeps rolling. Calvin says the car isn't stopping. He chases after it. Hobbes says he thinks Mom is going to be bothered.

ch890524: STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
Calvin and Hobbes are running after the car. Hobbes says the driveway must be slanted downhill. The car is going faster. Hobbes tells Calvin to jump in and pull the emergency brake. Calvin can't catch the door. Hobbes grabs Calvin as the car goes into the road. Calvin yells for people to watch out for the wild car.

ch890525: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble.
Mom is sitting reading the paper. She says she hasn't seen Calvin for 15 minutes. She's sitting with her back to the window. The car rolls past the window. Then, Calvin and Hobbes run past the window. Mom says that probably means he's getting into trouble.

ch890526: The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead.
Calvin and Hobbes stand shocked. The car rolls out into the road. They cover their eyes and can't watch. GRUNTCH! Hobbes says nobody hit it. It went into the ravine across the street. Calvin says "Hooray, we're dead".

ch890527: Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
Calvin and Hobbes run across the street to see the car. It's sitting nose up in a ditch with half the car poking up. Hobbes asks what Calvin thinks a car like that costs. He bets at least $75. Calvin can only say "Oh man".

ch890528: Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh, what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV?
Calvin and Hobbes are racing down the hill in their wagon. Calvin thinks life should be more like TV. All of like's problems should be resolved in 30 minutes with simple homilies. Weight and oral hygiene should be their biggest concerns. We should all have high-paying jobs and drive fancy sports cars. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should always carry handguns. Life should be more glamorous and thrill-packed. He says this as they fly out of the wagon, which has gone off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says his life is too featherbrained already. Calvin wonders what they would watch on TV if like really was like that.

ch890529: My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16.
Calvin and Hobbes are standing by the car, which is sticking up from the shallow ravine. Calvin says his life is flashing before his eyes. Hobbes doubts Calvin's parents figured he'd wreck their car before he was 16.

ch890530: What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
Calvin wonders what they'll do. They can't get the car out of the ravine. Calvin wonders if they should act like the car rolled by itself. He thinks Mom and Dad might fall for that. Calvin thinks they may not notice, if they don't say anything. Hobbes says he can be packed in five minutes. Calvin says he'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.

ch890531: Hi, Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean, I'm just wondering. I'm going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... I'm REALLY hungry! No need to get up, or look, for example, out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! What's the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh, why do you ask??
Calvin opens the door, says he and Hobbes are home, and asks if he's got any clean clothes. He's just asking. He goes into the kitchen. He says he's going to make a few dozen sandwiches, because he's really hungry. He yells that there's no need for Mom to get up or look out the window. Mom comes in and asks what's wrong with him. He's startled, laughs, and asks why she is asking.

ch890601: I got a couple of sandwiches made, but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? We'd better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES, COME ON! We'll be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Mom's bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If we're not in the next county by then, it's curtains! Let's GO! Where's a freight train when you really need one?
Calvin has a couple sandwiches that he's made, but he thinks Mom got suspicious. He tells Hobbes they'd better go. Hobbes is trying to decide whether to bring a yo-yo or bubbles. Calvin hurries him up saying they'll be lucky to get out of there with their lives. Calvin says Mom is bound to look out the window any minute and see the car. As they dash out the back door, Calvin asks where's a freight train when you really need one.

ch890602: POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK, (POOF)... I think we've got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. She's probably called Dad at work, and he's probably on his way home now!
Calvin and Hobbes run through the field. They're puffing. They stop to rest. Calvin thinks they have enough of a head start and can rest a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks Mom has seen the car yet. Calvin thinks she's probably called Dad at work, and he'll be on his way home. They start running again.

ch890603: Well, we're surely in some other state by now. Let's stop here. Boy, it never once occurred to me that I'd be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb, what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? I'm so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I can't believe it.
Calvin stops, as he figures he must be in another state by now. It had never occurred to him he'd be spending the rest of his life on the lam. Hobbes asks what kind of sandwiches Calvin brought. Calvin wonders how Hobbes could be thinking of eating. Calvin is so worried, he feels sick. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's sandwich, too. Calvin lies back on the grass and says he's six years old and a fugitive from justice.

ch890604: Ahhhh... Uh-oh. Something is seriously wrong here. The laws of perspective have been repealed! Objects no longer diminish in size with distance! Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. All spatial relationships are lost! It's impossible to judge where anything is! Oh, no! CALVIN! Quite running around the house and crashing into things, or I'll sell you to the monkey house! ... and now SHE's lost perspective.
The laws of perspective have been repealed. Objects no longer diminish in size with distance. Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. It's impossible to judge where anything is. Calvin trips over the end table and knocks it and the lamp to the floor. Mom yells that he should quit running around crashing into things. If he doesn't, Mom will sell him to the monkey house. Calvin gets up rubbing his head, saying now she's lost perspective.

ch890605: What's going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh, did someone have an accident? It looks like there's a car in the ditch! ... but I don't see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that, the car would've had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
Mom is looking out the window and wonders why all the cars are slowing as they go by. She opens the door and sees a car in the ditch, but no one is there. Mom wonders how the car went in backward. She thinks about it and realizes the car would have had to come right out of their driveway. She starts running over to the car.

ch890606: Well, Mom's sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you can't go home again.
Calvin says Mom's sure to have found the car and guessed what they did by now. As Calvin and Hobbes walk across a downed tree, Calvin says now he knows what they mean when they say you can't go home again.

ch890607: What's that sound? I don't hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe it's a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME, tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble."
Hobbes hears something crashing through the brush. Calvin thinks it's a bear. They run to a tree and climb up. Hobbes thinks tigers are the only ferocious animals the world needs. Calvin imagines the headlines "Boy, 6, killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble".

ch890608: Do you think we're safe? Should we climb higher? It's hard to say with bears. There it is! The bear's coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like it's on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when they're really mad!! Wait, that's not a bear. That's your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
Calvin asks if they should climb higher in the tree. Calvin spots the bear coming out of the brush. He says it's on its hind legs, and they only do that when they're mad. Hobbes says that's not a bear, it's Mom. Calvin panics and says that's worse. He tells Hobbes to climb higher.

ch890609: THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. You'll kill us. We're running away. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didn't hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. That's when we took off. Well, the tow truck pulled it out, and there's no damage, so you can come home now. First let's hear you say you love me.
Mom sees Calvin in the tree and tells him to come down. Calvin doesn't want to because he thinks she'll kill him. Mom says she won't, but wants to know what happened. She asks if anyone was hurt. Calvin says no one was hurt. He says they pushed the car into the drive and it kept rolling. Mom asks if the car hit anything. Calvin says it just went into the ditch. That's when they took off. Mom says the tow truck pulled the car out, and there was no damage. He can come home now. Calvin wants to hear her say she loves him first.

ch890610: Boy, Hobbes, isn't it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didn't even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable, huh? Send their car over a ditch and you don't even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dad's... Let's not talk about that, OK?!
Lying in bed at night, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad saw what happened was an accident. Since they were relieved no one was hurt, all he got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. Calvin says parents are inscrutable. You send their car over a ditch, and you don't even get yelled at. Hobbes says "but try keeping live worms in your Dad's...". Calvin stops him and says not to talk about that.

ch890611: AAUGH WHAM GRRRRRR You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tigher! The question IS, how can you get the tiger BACK in the jungle?
Hobbes hears something. He springs off, running fast. Calvin is walking along, unsuspectingly. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says you can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger. Calvin, lying under Hobbes' feet, says the question is how you get the tiger back into the jungle.

ch890612: Here's the latest poll of household 6-year-olds, Dad. An overwhelming majority expressed amazement at how little you've accomplished as Dad so far. The impression is that you're avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. In fact, none of those polled could name a single instance of true paternal leadership. How about if I lead you upstairs to your bed? Ha ha. If we can be serious for a moment, I have some innovative ideas about my allowance.
Calvin has the latest poll results. An overwhelming majority are amazed at how little he's accomplished. The impression is that he's avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. No one polled could name a single instance of paternal leadership. Dad asks if he can lead Calvin to bed. Calvin replies he has some innovative ideas for his allowance.

ch890613: Look at all these ants. They're all running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up! I sure suppose there's a lesson in that. Yeah... ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV.
Calvin is looking at ants on the sidewalk. He tells Hobbes the ants run like mad, work all day, never stopping or resting. All that to make a hill of sand that could blow away at any time. All their work would be for nothing, yet they keep building. They never give up. Hobbes suggests there's a lesson in that. Calvin agrees. He thinks the ants are morons. He heads into the house to see what's on TV.

ch890614: Boy, what a grouch.
Mom gets dressed, puts on earrings, applies her lipstick, and heads out the door. Calvin sprays her with a water hose. Calvin is walking away, rubbing his rear end. He says Mom is a grouch.

ch890615: Hi, Hobbes! Watcha doin'? Nothing. Nothing at all? Nope. I'll help. Please do.
Hobbes is lying against a tree. Calvin asks what he's doing. Hobbes replies "nothing". Calvin asks if he's doing nothing at all. Hobbes says no. Calvin says he'll help and lies down next to Hobbes.

ch890616: ALIENS WELCOME COME AS YOU ARE! What will you do when your parents see this? By then I hope to be halfway to the next galaxy.
Calvin has dug a message into his yard. It asks aliens to come as they are. They're welcome. Hobbes asks what Calvin will do when his parents see this. Calvin hopes to be halfway to the next galaxy by then.

ch890617: Oh, no! Calvin has turned into one of his own childhood drawings! His anatomical references being obscure at best, Calvin finds it difficult to move! Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His own Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter! If only Calvin had learned to draw better! No one understands my work. That's what all artists say.
Calvin has turned into one of his childhood drawings. His anatomical references being obscure, Calvin finds it hard to move. Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His Mom thinks he's some kind of helicopter. If only he'd learned to draw better. Calvin holds up a picture he drew and says no one understands his work. Mom says that's what all artists say.

ch890618: Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN...
A sparrow lands on the tree branch. This is a song sparrow. He prepares to burst forth in rapturous melody. On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese... Calvin gets tossed out the door of the house.

ch890619: Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room like I asked you to? No. So when you say you're going "out", you really mean you're going back to clean your room, right? English must not be her first language.
Mom asks where Calvin is going. He says "out". Mom asks if he picked up his room like she asked him to. He says "no". Mom asks for clarification. She says so when Calvin says "out", he really means he's going back upstairs to clean his room. Calvin stands in his messy room and complains that English must not be her first language.

ch890620: What are you doing down here again? Didn't I just send you to clean your room?! Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold STUPENDOUS MAN! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady! Ha ha ha! Oh yeah? ! Great Zok! She's fixed her mind-scrambling eyeball ray on me! I'm suddenly filled with the desire to go back upstairs and do her nefarious bidding! Glad to hear it.
Mom asks Calvin why he's back downstairs. She asks if she didn't just send him to clean his room. Calvin replies "Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold Stupendous Man! You've been foiled again, evil Mom-lady". Mom bends down and gives Calvin a nasty look. She says "Oh, yeah". Calvin stumbles up the stairs with eyes spinning. He says her mind-scrambling eyeball ray has him going back upstairs to do her nefarious bidding.

ch890621: "Clean up your room! Clean up your room!" That's all I ever hear! It's MY room, right?!? If I don't mind the mess, what business is it of anyone else?! This is tyranny! I HATE cleaning my room! It's going to take me all DAY to do this! Ooh, this makes me mad! A whole day shot! Wasted! Down the drain! Gone! AARGH! Are you kidding? How could this possibly take all day? Heck, it'll be another hour before I'm even through griping.
Calvin is complaining to Hobbes about being told to clean up his room. He says it's his room. If he doesn't care, why should anyone else. He calls it tyranny. He says it will take all day to clean it. A whole day wasted, shot, down the drain. Hobbes asks how this could possibly take all day. Calvin says it will be another hour before he's through griping.

ch890622: Cleaning my room will go a lot faster if we BOTH work, right? So I'll sit here and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing... ... you know, making the tough calls and the hard decisious. You won't have to do any of that. All YOU do then is pick up what I tell you to, OK? HEY! Did I SAY to pick up me?! No, as a matter of fact, I didn't! Get away from that trash can! I'M the organizer! HEY!
Calvin thinks the room cleaning will go faster if both he and Hobbes work. Calvin offers to sit and do all the tedious, agonizing planning and organizing. He'll make all the hard decisions, and Hobbes won't have to. All Hobbes has to do is pick up what Calvin tells him to. Hobbes picks up Calvin. Calvin tells him he didn't say to pick him. He tells Hobbes to get away from that trash can.

ch890623: I CLEANED UP MY STUPID ROOM! CAN I GO OUTSIDE NOW?! That didn't take very long. Let's se what kind of job you did. I did a GREAT job! See? Can I go now? Your room looks good. Now did you straighten up your closet like I asked you to? AAUGH! Don't open thaa... Back to work, kiddo. YOU made THIS mess! YOU can clean it up!
Calvin yells that he cleaned his room. He wants to go outside. Mom says it didn't take very long. She wants a look to see what kind of job he did. Calvin says he did a great job. Mom says the room looks clean. She then asks if he straightened up the closet like she asked. Calvin yells for her not to open the door. Too late. Mom is buried by all the stuff Calvin threw in there. Mom tells him to go back to work. Calvin complains that she made this mess, so she should clean it up.

ch890624: WHACK Our favorite games are the ones we don't understand! You missed a wicket! No goal! No goal!
Hobbes rolls a croquet ball, Calvin hits it with the mallet. Calvin runs around the wickets. Calvin says best games are the ones they don't understand. Hobbes chases him with the ball in his hand, saying Calvin missed a wicket so he doesn't get a goal.

ch890625: You're out! I think the bases are too darn far apart. Ahh, you're just a big sissy.
Calvin runs around the house, slides down the ditch, runs over the stream, climbs through the fence, runs around the trees, and dives toward a rock. Hobbes tags him out. Calvin complains the bases are too far apart. Hobbes calls him a big sissy.

ch890626: HELP! A BEE! A BEE! Run for your life! Hobbes! Did you see it?? It was the biggest bee in the whole world! It was the size of a Kaiser roll! It must've weighed 70 pounds! It sounded like a helicopter and it's stinger was like a harpoon! I must've been a killer death bee! Man, I'm lucky it didn't get me! Life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. If you'd seen it, you'd have been scared too.
Calvin runs up to Hobbes saying there was a bee. It was the size of a Kaiser roll and must have weighed 70 pounds. He says it sounded like a helicopter, and it's stinger was like a harpoon. He says it must have been a killer death bee. Hobbes offers that life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'd seen it, he would be scared, too.

ch890627: I can't imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who's going to be impressed.
Calvin has a yo-yo. It goes down, and it stops. He shakes it, trying to get it to move. It doesn't. Calvin says he can't imaging mastering the skills involved without a clearer understanding of who will be impressed.

ch890628: I saw the man oin the moon tonight. Mm. I didn't know the moon made faces. That's "phases".
Calvin looks at the moon, which is sticking its tongue out at him. Then the moon makes a funny face at him. Calvin tells Dad he saw the man in the moon tonight. Calvin says he didn't know the moon made faces. Dad says that's "phases".

ch890629: The giant pteranodon hops to the edge of the cliff. There he spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air! Soaring high over the prehistoric valley, the pteranodon is truly a majestic sight! That's it, think majestic! I'm thinking we should've picked a smaller cliff!
The giant pteradon hops to the edge of the cliff. He spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air. Soaring high, the pteradon is a majestic sight. Hobbes yells to "think majestic". Calvin, holding onto a collapsing umbrella over the cliff, yells back that they should have picked a smaller cliff.

ch890630: It's too darn hot out here. You could go wading in the creek. This water is too darn cold. You could go sit in the shade then. This shade is too darn dark. You could go sit in your room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. That's what I was doing when Mom threw me out here. I was kidding.
Calvin complains that it's too hot. Hobbes says he could go wading in the creek. Calvin tries that and says the water is too cold. Hobbes says he could go sit in the shade. Calvin tries that and complains that the shade is too dark. Hobbes, frustrated, tells him he could go sit in his room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Calvin grumbles that's what he was doing when Mom threw him outside.

ch890701: Give me some cookies, or I soak you with this water balloon! Why, you little thug! Don't you threaten your mother! And don't even THINK about throwing that in the house! Out! Out! I'll bet I'd have gotten some cookies if I had filled this with PAINT.
Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint.

ch890702: CLICK Uh oh... The sky is a deep orange! Calvin's skin is a pale green! Yellow flowers are now blue! Every color is the opposite of what it should be! Calvin has been transferred to a color film negative! His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher! Dveeloper! I need a developer! Doggone it, Calvin! That's ANOTHER picture ruined! Can't you look pleasant for 1/500th of a second?!
The sky is orange, Calvin's skin is green. Yellow flowers are now blue. Every color is the opposite of what it should be. Calvin has been turned into a color film negative. His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher. He grabs his throat and acts like he's choking. Dad is trying to get a picture of him. Dad complains that Calvin just ruined another photo. He asks if Calvin can't look pleasant for 1/500th of a second.

ch890703: IT'S JULY ALREADY! OH NO! OH NO! What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand! It's going too fast! We've got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help! I don't think I want to be here at the end of August. AAUGH! It's a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!
Calvin runs along yelling it's July already. He wonders what happened to June. Summer vacation is slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. He wants to hoard his freedom. Calvin's eyes bulge with worry that time rushes on. Hobbes says he doesn't want to be there at the end of August. Calvin keeps running around yelling it's a half-hour later than it was a half hour ago. Run!

ch890704: Mom took me to the library today, Dad. That's nice. Did you get out a book? Yep. It's great! I had no idea books could be so much fun. And you'll learn things, too. I'll say! My book says that this one wasp lays its eggs on a spider, so when the egg hatches, the larva ieats the spider, savings the vital organs for the last, so the spider stays alive while it's being devoured! Gross, huh? Isn't there a street corner where he can hang out instead? And color pictures, too! Want to see 'em?
At the dinner table, Calvin tells Dad that Mom took him to the library. He didn't know it was such fun. Dad tells him that he'll learn things, too. Calvin explains that he learned one type wasp lays its egg in a spider so that when the egg hatches, the larva eats the spider, saving the vital organs for last, so the spider stays alive while its being devoured. Mom and Dad get odd look on their faces. Dad wonders if there isn't a street corner he could hang out on instead.

ch890705: I'm destined for greatness. I just know it. "Calvin the Great," they'll call me. And think how lucky YOU'LL be! You'll get to tell everyone how you knew me as a kid! What a privilege! In fact, all the papers and magazines will probably want to interview you to find out what I'm really like. And boy, will you have to cough up to keep me quiet. And what's THAT supposed to mean?!
Calvin tells Hobbes he knows he's destined for greatness. Calvin the Great, they'll call him. He tells Hobbes that he'll get to tell everyone he knew Calvin as a kid. He figures all the papers will want to interview Hobbes to find out what Calvin is really like. Hobbes says Calvin will really have to cough up to keep him quiet. Calvin asks what that's supposed to mean.

ch890706: Dad, how does a light bulb work? Magic. Didn't you say that's how the vacuum cleaner works? Right. They're both magic. You just don't KNOW how they work. I'll bet. Fine. Don't believe your own father, who's been around a lot longer than you. Look Mom, magic! That's not magic!
Calvin asks Dad how a light bulb works. Dad says magic. Calvin reminds Dad that's how he told Calvin a vacuum cleaner works. Dad says both are magic. Calvin is skeptical. He says he thinks Dad just doesn't know how they work. Dad tells him not to believe him, who's been around a lot longer than Calvin. Calvin turns on the light for Mom and tells her it's magic. She tells Calvin that's not magic.

ch890707: When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. I WISH I HAD A COOL MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW! If Jiminy cricket was here, I'd skoosh him.
Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night. There is a star in the sky. Calvin tells Hobbes that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Calvin says he wishes he had a cool million dollars right now. Calvin looks around. Unhappily, he walks off saying that if Jiminy Cricket was there, he'd skoosh him.

ch890708: WHAP I DID IT! I CAUGHT IT! I'm out.
Calvin tosses a ball into the air. He hits it, drops the bat, picks up a glove, and races to catch the ball. He does. Calvin realizes that means he's out.

ch890709: Darlinggg, I'm home! And I brought a surprise! Let's hope it's a divorce! Darling, I stopped at the hospital on the way home from work. Don't call me "Darling,"OK? I brought home our new baby! A BABY?! I don't want a baby! What shall we name him? Our baby is a RABBIT?!? How come we have a rabbit?! He's NOT a rabbit, he's a little boy! We'll call him "Jeffrey," OK? He looks like a rabbit to ME. Well, just PRETEND he's a baby! NO! This is idiotic! I refuse!! Playing "house"makes me sick! I'm leaving! I don't see why you'll play pretend with your dumb ol'tiger but not with Mr Bun!
A woman comes home and tells her husband that she stopped at the hospital on the way home. She brought home their new baby. The husband doesn't want a baby. The woman cuddles the baby, which is actually a rabbit. The husband wonders why their baby is a rabbit. The woman says it's not a rabbit, it's a baby boy. The husband says it looks like a rabbit to him. The woman wants to pretend it's a baby. The husband says he won't. Calvin walks away, saying playing "house" makes him sick. Susie doesn't understand why he'll pretend with his tiger, but not with Mr. Bun.

ch890710: WUM WUM WUM How's it going? Fine. Close the lid. Everything stops when you open it. I wish MY bathtub had an agitator.
Calvin is sitting on the washing machine. He opens the lid and asks Hobbes how it's going. Hobbes tells him it's fine. He tells him to close the lid, since everything stops when you lift it. Calvin laments that his bathtub doesn't have an agitator.

ch890711: Calvin, will you gather the trash, please? Gather the TRASH?!? What am I, your personal SLAVE?! Why can't YOU do it? Fine, I will. And YOU can start washing your OWN clothes, and fixing your OWN meals, and picking up your OWN toys, and making your OWN bed, and cleaning up your OWN messes, day after day after DAY! Some women just weren't meant to be mothers.
Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks if he's her personal slave. He asks why she can't do it. Mom replies that he can start washing his own clothes, fix his own meals, pick up his own toys, make his own bed, and clean his own messes, day after day after day. Carrying the laundry basket, Calvin says some women just weren't meant to be mothers.

ch890712: Whenever I cook an egg, I like to see how high I can crack above the skillet. Then I aim with just one eye open, so I don't have any depth perception. It's pretty hard that way. See, the secret to having fun in life is to make little challenges for yourself. CRIKK Like the challenge of explaining the stove and the floor to your Mom? Rats. Let's see if there's another carton in the fridge, will ya?
Calvin tells Hobbes that when he cooks eggs, he likes to see how high he can crack it above the skillet. He aims with one eye, so he has no depth perception. That makes it harder. Calvin says the secret to having fun in life is making little challenges for yourself. Hobbes wonders if he means the challenge of explaining the stove and floor to Mom. Calvin asks Hobbes to see if there's another carton in the fridge.

ch890713: What are you writing? I'm telling these companies I intend to boycott from all their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show I find offensive. By golly, if these companies are going to support objectionable TV programs, I'll take my business elsewhere. Maybe I can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Why don't you just not watch the show? This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes me sick.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's writing. He's writing to companies warning them he'll boycott their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show he finds offensive. He says if these companies are going to support objectionable TV shows, he'll take his business elsewhere. He tells Hobbes maybe he can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just not watch the show. Calvin says this clean, wholesome television makes him sick.

ch890714: I never liked ice cream cones too much until I discovered a new way to eat them. I bite off the bottom of the cone and suck out the ice cream as it gets soft. You wouldn't believe some of the awful noices you can make, and it gets pretty sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In MY book, food should be nutrition AND entertainment. That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running.
Calvin tells Hobbes he never liked ice cream cones very much until he discovered a new way to eat them. He bites off the bottom and sucks out the ice cream as it melts. He says you wouldn't believe the awful noises you can make, and it gets sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In Calvin's book, food should be nutrition and entertainment. Hobbes says that's why tigers like their food surprised and running.

ch890715: I'm so smart it's almost scary. I guess I'm a child progeny. Most children are. Huh? Nothing. People think it must be fun to be a super genius. But they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
Calvin says he's so smart, it's scary. He says he is a child progeny. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says most children are. Calvin wonders what he means, Hobbes says nothing. Calvin says people think it's fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes asks if Calvin's pants zipper shouldn't be in front.

ch890716: FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!
Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead.

ch890717: Well, there's no delaying the inevitable. Let's get in the car. Where are we going? The same place we go EVERY summer: camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. AGAIN? Yep. This is how Dad likes to unwind. With everyone complaining? Right. He likes to watch us suffer.
In his bedroom, Calvin tells Hobbes there's no delaying the inevitable. He tells him to get in the car. Hobbes asks where they're going. Calvin tells him the same place they go every summer, camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. Calvin says that's how Dad likes to unwind. Hobbes asks "With everyone complaining". Calvin says Dad likes to watch them all suffer.

ch890718: Look, Dad. There's a town coming up. See the sign? Why don't we pull off, find a nice motel, and just stay THERE for our vacation? We could swim in the pool and have air conditioning and color cable TV and room service! No one would have to know we didn't camp! I wouldn't tell anyone! We could even go to the store, buy a big fish, take your picture with it, and say you caught it! Can't we, Dad? Can't we turn off here? Yes, let's! Now don't YOU start!
Driving along the road, Calvin tells Dad there is a town coming up. He suggests they just pull off, find a nice motel, and stay there for their vacation. They could swim in the pool, have air conditioning, cable TV, and room service. No one would have to know they didn't camp. Calvin won't tell. He suggests they can go to the store, buy a big fish, take his picture with it, and say they caught it. He asks Dad if they can. Mom thinks that's a good idea. Dad looks at her and tells her not to start.

ch890719: Ta da! We're here! Good ol' itchy island". Home of the nuclear mosquitoes. Bug bites build character. Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. ... if all this character doesn't kill me first. That reminds me, open the duffel bag and get out the spam. If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means Hobbes and I struck out for home.
Dad pulls up the canoe and says they're here. Calvin says it's good ol' "Itchy Island", home of the nuclear mosquitos. Dad says bug bites build character. Calvin reminds him that last year Dad said diarrhea builds character. Dad wants Calvin to think of what a fine young man he's growing up to be. Calvin agrees, if building all this character doesn't kill him first. Dad asks Calvin to open the duffel bag and get out the Spam. Calvin tells him that if the canoe is gone in the morning, it means Hobbes and he struck out for home.

ch890720: Boy, it's great to be here! This is the life! I think I'll jump in for a swim. Want to join me? No, thanks. Aw, c'mon. It'll feel great. Right. That lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Hey, let's go for a swim. Sure, Dad. I'd love to start the week with a little hypothermia. I think what I like best about vacations is the family togetherness.
Dad says it's great to be there. He thinks he'll jump in for a swim. He asks Mom to join him. Mom thinks the lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Dad asks Calvin to join him. Calvin doesn't want to start the week with a little hypothermia. Dad goes in alone. Swimming on the lake, he comments on the best thing about vacations being the family togetherness.

ch890721: Wake up, Calvin. It's 5:30 and you can see the fish jumping. Mmf goway. It's a beautiful morning. The sun's barely up and there's a mist over the water. It's perfectly still. Not a soul anywhere! Don't you want to see this? Leemeelone. I thought you said you wanted to go fishing. You've got to get up early if you want to catch anything. C'mon, the canoe's all ready and I've got your fishing rod. MOM, make Dad go away! Another thing I like about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
Dad is outside Calvin's tent telling him to wake up and watch the fish jumping. He says it's a beautiful morning. The sun is barely up, and there is a mist on the water. There isn't a soul anywhere. He tells Calvin he thought Calvin wanted to go fishing. He tells him he has to get up early if he wants to catch anything. The canoe's ready, and the fishing pole is loaded. Calvin yells for Mom to make Dad go away. Fishing alone on the lake, Dad comments that another thing he likes about vacations is the sharing of special moments.

ch890722: Well, I guess that's enough gishing for now. Mmm, I can't wait to get back and have breakfast! I can almost smell the coffee from here! What a life! Hey, where IS every... THERE'S GOING TO BE A SMALL MOUTH BASS FLOPPING IN SOME SLEEPING BAGS IN A MINUTE OR TWO! You know, I really like it when you go off to work in the mornings. It's 6:30 already! Are you people going to waste the whole day?
Dad decides that's enough fishing for now. He paddles back to camp. He can't wait for breakfast. He can almost smell the coffee from the canoe. He pulls the canoe up and wonders where everyone is. He yells that there will be some smallmouth bass flopping around in some sleeping bags in a minute or two. Mom looks out her tent and says she likes it when Dad goes off to work in the mornings. Dad says it's 6:30 already. He asks if they're going to waste the whole day.

ch890723: Ahh... a day at the late! This will be great! I still don't see why we can't just sit in the car with the air conditioner on. I'M GETTING SAND IN MY SUIT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH! THIS WATER'S TOO COLD! I'M FREEZING TO DEATH! OUT HERE THERE'S TOO MUCH SUN! I'LL GET SUNBURNED! THIS LOTION MAKES ME GREAY AND MY SHIRT MAKES ME TOO HOT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE SHADE! THIS IS BORING! I HATE WALKING! MY LEGS ARE TIRED AND THE SAND IS TOO HOT AND THE WATER IS TOO COLD AND THERE'S NO SHADE HERE AND I'VE STILL GOT SAND IN MY SUIT! What? Are we going already?
Calvin plays on the beach. He complains that he's getting sand in his suit, and he doesn't want to sit on the beach. In the water, he complains the water is too cold. On the beach again, he complains that there's too much sun, and he'll get sunburned. Dad tries to put tanning lotion on Calvin, but he complains the lotion makes him greasy and the shirt makes him too hot. Under the umbrella, he complains it's boring in the shade. Walking along the beach with Dad, he complains that he hates walking. His legs are tired, the sand is hot, the water's cold, there's no shade, and he still has sand in his suit. Mom and Dad pick up the beach towels and umbrella. Calvin asks if they're going already.

ch890724: I'll bet I'm missing some great TV shows.
Calvin is sitting on a rock with Hobbes looking at the sun set. There are birds flying, a few clouds in the sky, rock outcroppings and woods all around. Calvin says he bets he's missing some great TV shows.

ch890725: Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. You're giving your harmonica skills a real run for the money. Who asked you?
Calvin asks Dad if he's painting a picture. Dad says yes. Calvin looks at the picture, then looks at the scene Dad is painting. Calvin says Dad is giving his harmonica playing skills a real run for the money.

ch890726: SNIFF SNIFF Z Hey, what are you doing? Are you awake? Sniff sniff smack smack You're dreaming, stupid. Wake up. Mm! Why yes, thank you, some good fresh fish would hit the spot! Ooh, there's a nice big 'one! AAUGH! I don't care WHAT all your clothes smell like! I'm not washing anything now! Go to bed!
Late at night, Hobbes sniffs the air in his and Calvin's tent. He's asleep. Calvin tells him he's dreaming and to wake up. Hobbes licks his lips and says some fresh fish would hit the spot. He says there's a nice big one. Calvin is frightened! He holds the flashlight at Mom's tent while she tells him she doesn't care what his clothes smell like. She's not washing anything now.

ch890727: Ooh, these bugs are awful! I itch all over! Don't scratch the bites or you'll just make the itching worse. What am I supposed to do then? It's driving me crazy! Think about something else. Something else?! Like what?? Like maybe stepping out of all that poison ivy. I HATE THIS PLACE!
Calvin is scratching. He says the bugs are awful. Hobbes tells him not to scratch, or he'll make the bites worse. Calvin asks Hobbes what he's supposed to do. The itching is driving him crazy. Hobbes tells him to think of something else. Calvin asks what. Hobbes suggests something like stepping out of all that poison ivy. Calvin yells that he hates this place.

ch890728: OK, gang, smile! Ack! Don't take a picture of ME! I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm covered with bug bite! But don't you want something to remember our trip by? I don't want to remember this trip! I've been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I'm going to put an ax through the TV.
Dad tries to take a picture of Mom and Calvin eating. Mom says no, because she hasn't washed her hair for three days, and she's covered with bug bites. Dad asks if she doesn't want something to remember the trip by. Calvin doesn't want to remember it. He says he's been trying to forget it ever since they got there. He asks when they're leaving this dump. Dad walks away saying the next time he sees one of those smarmy Kodak commercials, he's going to put an ax through the TV.

ch890729: This vacation sure went quickly. I can't believe it's time to go home so soon. After being out here, it will sure be a culture shock to go back to civilization, won't it? Man, I can't wait to get in the car and crack up the A/C and some tunes. Shake a leg, huh? Someday I'm going to get my DNA tested and see if he's really my kid. Take my word for it.
As they're packing up to leave, Dad comments on how quickly the vacation went. He thinks after being out there, it will be a shock to go back to civilization. Calvin walks by with his sleeping bag and says he can't wait to get into the car, and crank up the A/C and some tunes. He tells Dad to shake a leg. Dad suggests that some day he'll get his DNA tested to see if Calvin really is his kid.

ch890730: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. Where does the sun go when it sets? The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near flagstaff. Oh. That's why the rocks there are so red. Don't the people get burned up? No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size. I thought I read that the sun was really big. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? Well, time for bed. I hope someday I'm as smart as Dad is. Why, what did he tell you now?
Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now.

ch890731: Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
Dad's going off to work. Calvin says it's a nice day to sit under a tree and read a good book. Calvin says it's too bad that's a luxury at Dad's age. He says maybe Dad can do it when he's 65. Calvin is sure Dad will be there before he knows it. He wishes Dad a good day at work. Calvin walks up to Mom and tells her Dad sure is surly in the mornings.

ch890801: You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't remember much before he was three years old. He says half his life is a blank. He must have been brainwashed. He wonders what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant. What did he know that someone wanted him to forget? He says he's mysterious. Hobbes says he seems to recall Calvin spent most of the time burping up.

ch890802: MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me!
Calvin tells Mom there is a big horsefly on her head. He tells her not to move. He runs off, goes upstairs, and returns with his plastic dart pistol. He asks if the fly is still there.

ch890803: Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty!
Calvin and Hobbes are in their tree fort. Calvin says they're bloodthirsty pirates. Calvin calls avast, ye scurvy dogs. He tells Hobbes to hoist the Jolly Roger and ready the plank. Hobbes hands Calvin a small knit sock. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes tells him "our booty" and starts laughing.

ch890804: Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
Calvin asks Mom if she knew gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface. He explains that heavy matter, like planets sink into the surface, and anything passing by, like light, will "roll" toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is deflected by gravity. Then he adds that he dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when his roller skates slipped. As Mom mops up the mess, she wonders how kids can know so much, yet be so dumb.

ch890805: You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it?
Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin thinks the world should have been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There would just be fewer people and animals to begin with. Calvin adds the world could have used a more even distribution of resources. Hobbes wonders why no one consulted Calvin.

ch890806: No text
Hobbes pitches the baseball to Calvin. It sails over his head, but Hobbes calls him out. Calvin protests. They get in each other's face and kick dirt on each other. They fight until they're exhausted. Calvin decides to try something else. He gets a step ladder, stands on it with his bat, and gets ready for the pitch.

ch890807: I performed a scientific experiment today. You know how maps always show north as up and south as down? I wanted to see if that was true or no. What did you find out? Not much. Your compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. MY compass?! Let me know when you get a new one. My junior scientist book says not to get discouraged by temporary setbacks.
Calvin tells Dad he performed a scientific experiment today. He wanted to see if it's true that north is up and south is down, like what maps show. Dad asks what he found out. Calvin tells him not much. Dad's compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. Calvin walks away telling Dad to let him know when he's replaced it. His junior scientist book told him not to be discouraged by temporary setbacks.

ch890808: I've been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe it's a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed, Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole "Dad" stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciy's in trouble! Maybe Dad's a masked superhero! If that's true, he should drive a cooler car. I know. Ours doesn't even have a cassette deck.
Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad being boring might be phony. He thinks that after Dad puts them to bed, he puts on a costume and fights crime. Maybe this "Dad" stuff is a secret identity. Calvin wonders if the mayor calls Dad on a secret phone and that Dad's a superhero. Hobbes says if that's true, Dad should drive a cooler car. Calvin agrees, since their car doesn't even have a cassette deck.

ch890809: There's the stegosaurus out front! There's the National History museum. Hooray! I can't wait to see all the dinosaurs! C'mon. Let's hurry! It's certainly been a while since we've been here, hasn't it? At the museum's request, yes. Oh, that's right. Calvin, no biting people this time, remember? RROWRR
The family drives up to the Natural History Museum. Calvin sees the stegosaurus in front. Calvin can't wait to see the dinosaurs and rushes from the car. Mom says it's been a while since they were at the museum. Dad mentions that was at the museum's request. That reminds Mom, who tells Calvin not to bite anyone this time. Calvin is already roaring like a dinosaur.

ch890810: What kind of dinosaur did you say this was? It's a stegosaurus! He looks pretty ferocious. No, he was a plant eater. The tail spikes were for self-defense. Oh. Did tyrannosaurs fight these? Of course not, Mom! Turannosaurs came millions of years later! Look, try not to embarrass me when we go inside, OK? Why are we going here if he already knows everything?
Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already.

ch890811: Look, Hobbes, here's an ancestor of YOURS! A saber-toothed tiger! Ha ha, I'll bet HE was popular! If anyone needed to open a can of juice, they'd just put him over it and hit him on the head! Ha ha! Hee hee, I'll bet they died out because they couldn't understand each other! They pwobabbyy dokked wike diff! Ha ha ha! ... all in all, though, they were undoubtedly the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.
Calvin shows Hobbes a saber-toothed tiger. Calvin makes fun of it by saying anyone needing a can of juice opened would just put him over it and hit his head. Calvin continues by saying they probably died out because they couldn't understand each other. He makes a face and shows his teeth. Hobbes grabs Calvin by the shirt and frowns at him. Calvin quickly points out that all in all, they were the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.

ch890812: Look, Mom. The museum has a gift shop! Can I buy something? They've got dinosaur models, dinosaur T-shirts, dinosaur posters... I don't think you need any more dinosaur stuff, Calvin. But Mom, it's all EDUCATIONAL! You want me to LEARN, don't you?? Boy, she fell for THAT one. I'll say! I wonder if we could get any Batman junk this way.
Calvin points out the museum gift shop to Mom. He wants to buy something, a poster, a book, t-shirts, models. Mom says she doesn't think he needs any more dinosaur stuff. Calvin says it's all educational. Doesn't she want him to learn? Calvin, walks with his dinosaur hat, poster, and book. Hobbes says she sure fell for that one. Calvin wonders if he can get any Batman junk that way.

ch890813: WUMP! WONNKK... I sh... shouldn't have wa... watched.
Hobbes stretches, yawns, arches his back, scratches his ear, curls around, and plops on the floor. He falls asleep. Calvin, reading a book on the sofa near Hobbes starts yawning and says he shouldn't have watched.

ch890814: Oh no, you don't! There's only room for one in this pool and I was here first! If YOU want to cool off, you'll just have to jump in the sprinkler. Fine! I'll DO that. ! Doggone it, I didn't mean for you to have FUN!
Hobbes comes over to join Calvin in the kiddie pool. Calvin tells him there isn't enough room. He tells Hobbes if he wants to cool off, he'll have to jump in the sprinkler. Hobbes marches off and says he'll do that. Calvin watches him. Calvin darts out of the pool, running toward Hobbes. He yells that he didn't mean for Hobbes to have fun.

ch890815: Z Z CRAACKK BOOM What do you think? A thunderstorm, or a space alien ray gun invasion? Whichever, tell me when it's over.
Calvin and Hobbes are soundly sleeping. Suddenly, there is a big CRACK! Light fills the room. Then there is a big BOOM! Calvin and Hobbes fly up into the air. They get under the bed. Calvin asks if it's a thunderstorm or a space alien ray gun invasion. Hobbes doesn't care and just wants to know when it's over.

ch890816: How's it coming? Slow. This dirt is real hard. Well, that's a pretty good start. But I've been digging all morning! This is going to take forever! Maybe you'll have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Yeah. This would kill you if you went off the high dive. It's too bad. Mom would've really been surprised to have an olympic pool where her garden used to be. Maybe she'll be surprised anyway.
Calvin is digging a hole. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin tells him the dirt is pretty hard. Hobbes thinks he's made a good start. Calvin says he's been digging all morning. It's going to take forever. Hobbes suggests Calvin will have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Calvin agrees, saying you'd be killed diving off the high dive into that pool. He laments the fact saying Mom would have been surprised to have an Olympic pool where her garden used to be. Hobbes tells him that maybe she'll be surprised anyway.

ch890817: There! A gull pitcher of "Calvin's curative elixir"! We'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich! But that's just dirty water from the drainage ditch! There are leaves in it! "Fortified with chlorophyll", we'll say. Nobody's going to pay to drink that! Anyone can see it's filthy! It's sludge! Hmm... maybe you're right. PiTCHER of PLaGUE. Calvin's DeBiLitatiNG DiSEaSE DRiNK! $1.00 Not TO HaVE aNY
Calvin tells Hobbes about "Calvin's Curative Elixir". He figures he'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich. Hobbes tells him it's just dirty water from the drainage ditch. There are leaves in it. Calvin thinks they'll say "Fortified with Chlorophyll". Hobbes tells him no one will pay to drink that water. Anyone can see it's filthy. He calls it sludge. Calvin says maybe he's right. Calvin sits at a stand with the dirty water in a pitcher on the stand. The sign on the stand reads "Pitcher of Plague. Calvin's Debilitating Drink! $1.00 not to have any".

ch890818: I've decided not to go to school this fall. I don't need an education. I don't need to learn things. I don't need to develop skills. It's too much trouble. How are you going to make it in the world if you don't know anything and you don't have any skills?! I'll go on talk shows and hype myself.
Calvin has decided not to go to school in the fall. He figures he doesn't need an education or learn to develop skills. He says it's too much trouble. Hobbes asks how he'll make it in the world without knowledge or skills. Calvin replies that he'll go on talk shows and hype himself.

ch890819: Ughh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. ... and what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed!
Mom is on her knees, newspaper on the floor, getting ready to paint the wall. She complains that there are times she hates owning a house because of the maintenance. Painting walls, fixing roofs, spraying trees, it seems like the place is falling apart. She sees Calvin drilling holes in the other wall, and she gives chase. She adds that what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed.

ch890820: A 30-ton brontosaurus ... is about to face a premature extinction! The allosaurus, fearsome predator of the jurassic, stalks his prey! The herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence! Spotting a straggler, the allosaurus lunges! The brontosaurus rears to its full gigantic height! What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size?! I'm HUNGRY! The hamburgers are cooking, Now get off me!
The allosaurus stalks his prey. A herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence. The allosaurus lunges at a straggler. The brontosaurus rises to its full height. What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size? Calvin jumps on Dad's back and yells that he's hungry. Dad is standing at the grill. He says he's cooking the hamburgers and tells Calvin to get off him.

ch890821: Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
Calvin the hummingbird, zips by with a whir. Though small, he puts out tremendous energy. Concentrated sugar water fuels his incredible metabolism. He drinks half his weight each day. Calvin says "Preferably loaded with caffeine" as he gets a soda from the refrigerator.

ch890822: "Once upon a time there was..." Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... "Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story." Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, who stops him. Calvin asks if the book was a best-seller, if the author won a Pulitzer, and if the New York Times liked it. Calvin wants stories that come highly recommended. He asks if there are laudatory comments on the book's dust jacket. Dad starts again. "Once upon a time, there was a noisy kid who started going to bed without a story". Calvin asks if that book has been made into a movie and whether they could be watching it on video.

ch890823: What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years!
Calvin is practicing his sneers. He shows Hobbes and tells him there's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. He asks Hobbes how he looks. Hobbes replies awful. Calvin thanks him and hopes, with the sneer, to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. Hobbes thinks that will give him a head start on being a teenager. Calvin thinks it's like getting seven extra years.

ch890824: WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball.
Calvin hits the ball and leisurely walks the bases. He walks with his hands in his pocket and strolls along. He's on home plate before Hobbes can tag him. He tells Hobbes he's too late. He's gotten another home run. Hobbes, panting, says he's going to quit if they don't stop using a tennis ball.

ch890825: AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT!
Calvin is walking along under a tree. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces from the tree onto Calvin. They fight. Hobbes pins him down and tells him he should be more alert. He tells Calvin he wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. Calvin replies that's why he lives here and calls Hobbes a dolt.

ch890826: What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
Mom sees Calvin hiding behind a bush and asks what he's doing. He tells her to go away. He's going to throw some crab apples at Susie. Mom tells him no and makes him get rid of the crab apples. She says crab apples are hard and could hurt someone. Susie walks by and sees Calvin behind a bush and asks what he's doing. Calvin tells her to go away. He's going to throw a squishy old tomato at Mom.

ch890827: HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! I'll get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh, you're all wet! Wee wee! By golly, I'll soak him with the hose! He won't dry out for a month! I've got you now, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready, eh? Well, you're too late! Hope you're thirsty, sucker! Hey, what's wrong?! This hose isn't working! Why won't it squirt?! Oh, I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to going to school next week.
Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week.

ch890828: Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
Calvin tells Hobbes Mom asked him to make his bed. Calvin asks Hobbes to help him. Calvin tells him to get some pencils while he gets paper. Hobbes thought they were going to make his bed. Calvin doesn't want to do all that work. They're going to invent a robot to make the bed for them. Hobbes wonders if that won't be more work than making the bed. Calvin replies it's only work if somebody makes you do it.

ch890829: How are we going to invent a robot? We don't know anything about machines. Maybe YOU don't. It's easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and, um, the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it, I'm an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
Hobbes wonders how they'll invent a robot if they don't know anything about machines. Calvin says it's easy. There are four simple machines to alter force: the lever, the pulley, the inclined plane, and the internal combustion engine. He tells Hobbes he's an expert. Hobbes asks where they should start. Calvin says by asking Mom for a research grant.

ch890830: Hi, Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I, uh, want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? I'm working on it. As I recall, your bed is in your room. I'm inventing a robot to make the bed, but I need a grant. Can I have $50? What'd she say? Did you get the money? Boy, when we're the cover story of popular mechanics, I'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
Calvin asks Mom if he can look at her wallet. She asks if he cleaned his room. Calvin says he's inventing a robot to make the bed, but he needs a grant. He asks for $50. As Calvin enters the bedroom, Hobbes asks if she gave him the money. Calvin says that when they're the cover story for Popular Mechanics, he'll have some choice words to say about family encouragement.

ch890831: OK, the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No, that's too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See, I've made recordings for the robot's voice! Really? Sure! This way, our robot not only communicates, but we can also "program" him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master?
Calvin decides the first thing the robot needs is a head. Hobbes suggests a coffee can. Calvin says the head has to be big enough for a tape recorder. He's made recordings for the robot's voice. Calvin says that in addition to communicating, they can program the robot to have the proper personality. Hobbes wonders what he means. Calvin says robots should be respectful. He turns on the tape recorder which says "How may I ease your life, oh grand exalted master".

ch890901: Hey, Dad, I'm inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well, here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. It's not quite perfected yet, but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? That's the problem. We haven't figured out how to make it do what we want. Don't get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
Calvin tells Dad he's inventing a robot and asks if Dad can get him a patent. Calvin shows their robot. It's Tinkertoys with a coffee can head. He says he's been working on it all afternoon. He says it's not perfected yet. Dad asks what it does. Calvin admits they haven't figured out a way to make it do what he wants. Dad says not to be discouraged. He and Mom got the same results after working on Calvin for six years.

ch890902: Well, Hobbes, we might as well give up. I can't figure out how to make a robot. This one doesn't do anything. It's past your bedtime, Calvin. You'll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK, Mom. Our robot wasn't working out anyway. Gosh, and we spent all day on it, too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way, he DID! Hey, yeah! We're geniuses!
Calvin suggests to Hobbes they give up. They can't figure out how to make a robot. Mom comes over and tells Calvin it's past bedtime. He has to leave his toys for tomorrow. Going up the stairs, Calvin laments they spent all day on it. He thought their robot would save him from making the bed. As they walk into the bedroom, Hobbes tells Calvin that in a way, it did. The bed is still unmade from the morning.

ch890903: How's your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework, hmm? That's a new one. I'm lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
Spaceman Spiff is going down over planet Gork. The planet is inhabited. Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond. Our hero's going to crash. This spells disaster! Calvin is startled by the teacher calling his name. He spells disaster. The teacher congratulates him for paying attention. Once again, Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day. The teacher tells him he can sit down. He's standing on his chair, fists clenched together.

ch890904: Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. I've never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
Hobbes says Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Hobbes says he's never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Calvin, frowning, says nothing. Calvin asks how long they've been waiting for the bus. Hobbes tells him about two and a half hours. Calvin thinks Mom put him outside early on purpose.

ch890905: Hi, Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All I'VE got to say is they're not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME, then by golly, it's good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up, that's what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight, and then, FFFT, I'm outta here!
Susie asks Calvin if he's excited about going to school. Susie shows the new notebooks and school supplies she has. Calvin rants that they won't make him learn a foreign language. He says if English is good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of the world. Calvin folds his arms across his chest and says everyone should speak English or just shut up. Susie suggests he check the chemical content of his breakfast cereal. Calvin says they can make him go through grade eight, then he's outta here.

ch890907: The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! They're gaining! Spiff's only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.
Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by scum beings. Spiff's only chance is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft. Miss Wormwood is standing next to Calvin, who's clapping the erasers together into a billowing cloud. The principal opens the door for Calvin, who can't believe it's not even 8:30 yet.

ch890911: I want that truck, Twinky. It's mine, Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe, you can't just TAKE things from people just because you're bigger! I'm not taking it. You're GIVING it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. How touching.
Moe wants the truck Calvin is playing with. Calvin tells Moe he can't just take something because he's bigger than others. Moe cocks his fist and tells Calvin he's not taking it. He says Calvin is going to give it to him. They'll both be much happier that way. After Moe leaves, Calvin says "How touching".

ch890908: What a day. I'M HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when you're not around. There's going to be some ruckus NOW, buddy-boy!
Calvin gets off the school bus saying "What a day". As he opens the door, Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that things are so darn quiet when he's not around. Calvin cocks his fist and says there's going to be some ruckus now.

ch890909: Is it? It IS! It's SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! IT'S SAAATURDAY! You're getting up? It's barely light out! I'm going to the office and get some sleep.
Calvin wakes up excited. It's Saturday! He and Hobbes run for the stairs. No homework, no school. Just cartoons and fun all day long. They bump down the stairs saying to turn on the TV, get out the cereal. Mom asks Dad why he's getting up since it's barely light out. Dad, putting on his pants, says he's going to the office to get some sleep.

ch890910: First down and one yard to go. Only one yard? Yeah, the neighbours won't let us play in THEIR yard. HIKE! Go out long! FUMBLE! Oops, whose team was I when I recovered the ball? It doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death.
Hobbes is running with the football. Calvin tries to make the tackle. Calvin doesn't slow Hobbes down. Calvin gets run over and holds Hobbes' tail. Finally, Calvin falls off. Calvin waves Hobbes away. They are playing chess, and Calvin says he's decided to be an intellectual.

ch890906: Calvin, would you lead the class in the pledge of allegiance? NO! What did the Supreme Court decide about that? Is this a prayer? Don't you have to read me my rights? I don't have to keep up with this stuff! I'm just a kid! I'm only here because my parents make me go! I don't want to be a test case! I don't even know what court district I'm in! Call on someone else! Calvin? *sighhhh* I can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.
Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin will lead the class in the Pledge of Allegiance. Calvin asks what the Supreme Court decided about that. He asks if it's a prayer. He asks if she has to read him his rights. He complains that he's only there because his parents make him go. He doesn't want to be a test case. He says he doesn't even know what court district he's in. The principal opens the door for Calvin, who can't believe it's not even 8:15 yet.

ch890912: Moe, give me my truck back. It's not yours. It is NOW. You gave it to me. I didn't have much choice, DID I?! It was either the truck or get punched. So? So I only "gave" it to you because you're bigger and meaner than me! Yeah? ... so? The forensic marvel has reduced my logic to shambles. You're saying you changed your mind about getting punched?
Calvin goes back to get his toy truck. He tells Moe it's not his. Moe says that it is because Calvin gave it to him. Calvin replies that he didn't have much of a choice. It was either give up the truck or get punched. He explains he only gave it to Moe because Moe is bigger and meaner than he. Moe says "So". Calvin declares that the forensic marvel has reduced his logic to shambles. Moe cocks his fist and wonders if Calvin is changing his mind about getting punched.

ch890913: That no-good, rotten Moe! He won't give my truck back to me. The oaf will probably break it, too. Should I steal it back? I know stealing is wrong, but HE stole it from ME, and if I DON'T steal it back, Moe will just keep it, and that's not fair. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but what are you supposed to DO then? Just let the biggest guy make up his own rules all the time? Let might make right? ... that sounds reasonable.
Calvin complains that Moe won't return his truck. He wonders if he should steal it back, since stealing is wrong. If he doesn't steal it back, Moe will keep it and that's not fair, either. Calvin wonders what you're supposed to do if two wrongs don't make a right. Do you let the biggest guy make his own rules all the time? Calvin sits down and says that sounds reasonable.

ch890914: By golly, I AM going to steal my truck back from Moe! It's mine and he has no right to have it! I'll just sneak up behind the swings here, and when Moe's not looking, I'll run up, grab the truck and take off. This playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
Calvin decides to steal his truck back. He sneaks up to the swings and plans to run up, grab the truck, and take off. He awaits his chance. He thinks his playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.

ch890915: OK, Moe's got his back to me! Now I'll zip over, steal my truck back and run like crazy! He'll never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone, I'll be a mile away! It's a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! It's a snap! There's no reason to hesitate. It'll be over in a split second, and I'll sure be glad I have my truck back! I'll just do it and be done! Nothing to it! It's easy! Obviously my body doesn't believe a word my brain is saying.
Moe has his back turned. Calvin is ready to make his move. Calvin says by the time Moe realizes the truck is gone, Calvin will be a mile away. He says nothing can go wrong. He says there's no reason to hesitate. He'll sure be glad to have his truck back. He'll just do it and be done. It's easy. He still stands there. He says obviously, his body doesn't believe a word his brain is saying.

ch890916: Phooey, who am I kidding? I'd never get away with stealing my truck back from Moe. The ugly galoot is the size of a buick. Hmm... since I can't FIGHT him, maybe I should try TALKING to him. Maybe if I reasoned with him, he'd see MY side. Maybe he'd realize that stealing hurts people, and maybe he'd return my truck WILLINGLY. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I won't go through life with the nickname "omelet face".
Calvin wonders who he's kidding. He'll never get away with stealing his truck back. He says Moe is an ugly galoot the size of a Buick. Since he can't fight Moe, he thinks he could talk to him. Maybe Moe would see his side if he reasoned with him. Maybe Moe will realize stealing hurts people, and he'll return the truck willingly. Calvin says maybe if he's really lucky, he won't have to go through life with the nickname "omelet face".

ch890917: Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DON'T SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! I'LL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello, local navy recruitment office? Yes, this is an emergency...
Calvin starts to eat his dinner. He holds the food in his mouth. He takes a drink. His cheeks puff out. His eyes get wide. He looks back and forth. He ducks under the table. He looks relieved, and his mouth is empty. Mom tells Dad she wants him to look at that discolored spot on the rug. She says it seems to be getting bigger all the time. Calvin asks if he can leave the table right now.

ch890918: Listen, Moe, that's my truck, and I want it back! Yeah? Yeah! It's my favorite truck. You had no right to take it! Yeah? Yeah! So give it back! NOW! I'll fight you for it. I'll bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big. C'mon, wimp!
Calvin walks up to Moe and demands his truck back. Calvin says it's his favorite truck, and Moe had no right to take it. Calvin tells him to give it back now. Moe offers to fight Calvin for it. Calvin bets his autopsy reveals that his mouth is too big.

ch890919: I'm not going to fight you, Moe! If you won't give me my truck back, FINE! Go ahead and keep it! You're the one who has to live with yourself! I can't make you do what's right! You can HAVE the stupid truck! OK, thanks! Heh heh. Hey, Kid, if you're not gonna swing, get off and let someone ELSE on, huh?
Calvin won't fight Moe. He tells Moe that if he won't give the truck back, he can have it. He tells Moe he'll have to live with himself. Calvin can't make him do what's right. Calvin sits on the swing. Another kid comes up behind Calvin and tells him that if he's not going to swing, get off and let someone else on.

ch890920: ... so Moe stole my truck, and when I tried to get it back, Moe wanted to fight me for it. I didn't want to fight, so I walked away and Moe kept my truck. I don't understand it, Hobbes. What makes some people so greedy and mean? Why is it that some people don't care what's wrong and right? Why don't people try to be nice to each other? The problem with people is that they're only human. Well, you're lucky you don't have to BE one.
Calvin explains what happened to Hobbes. He says Moe stole his truck, and when he went to get it back, Moe wanted to fight. Calvin didn't want to fight, so he walked away. He asks Hobbes what makes some people so greedy and mean. He asks why some people don't care what's wrong or what's right. Hobbes offers that the problem with people is that they're only human. Calvin says Hobbes is lucky that he doesn't have to be one.

ch890921: You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. That's why animals are so soft and huggy. ...yeah..
Sitting under a tree, Calvin says sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. Hobbes tells him that's why animals are so soft and huggy. Calvin hugs him and says "yeah".

ch890922: MOM! MOMM! What is it? What's the matter? Hobbes had a bad dream. You woke me up at 2 A.M. because your suffed tiger had a bad dream?!? He dreamed he was so hungry, he ate us allup. I must be having a bad dream. Don't you think you should make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case?
Mom wakes up to Calvin yelling for her. When she checks on him, he tells her that Hobbes had a bad dream. Mom is angry that Calvin woke her up at 2:00 AM because he thinks his stuffed tiger had a bad dream. Calvin explains that Hobbes dreamed he was hungry and ate them all up. Mom walks back to her room, saying she must be having a bad dream. Calvin asks if she shouldn't make Hobbes a sandwich, just in case.

ch890923: Know what, Dad? At the fresh fish counter in the supermarket, you can buy real squid. They have them in a bucket. They're really gross. Mm, I'll bet. CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Calvin tells Dad that at the fresh fish counter at the supermarket, you can buy real squid. He says they're pretty gross. Dad says he bets. Calvin walks away. Dad turns around in his chair and wonders what Calvin is doing.

ch890924: That's our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of their last meeting. Hobbes mentions much nonsense and commotion from dictator-for-life Calvin. Hobbes keeps reading that president-and-first-tiger Hobbes offered a reasonable solution, which elicits a response from Calvin that Hobbes had told him to jump in the lake. Hobbes reads that the dictator received his comeuppance. Calvin says the minutes are lies. They fight, calling each other chowderhead, moron, ogre, and fleabag. They call a truce as they are exhausted. They climb down declaring another productive meeting. What a great club!

ch890925: Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I don't know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? We're going to be late. Well I can't goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. They're not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
Mom is looking for her shoes. Dad's putting his tie on, but he hasn't seen them. Mom says they were right there. She's in her dress. Dad says they'll be late. Mom says she can't go anywhere without her shoes and asks Dad to help her look. Calvin is hiding the shoes in the closet. He says they're not leaving he and Hobbes with a baby sitter tonight.

ch890926: DING DONG It's ROSALYN! Answer the door, will you please, Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out, so we won't be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi, Rosalyn. What are you talking about, Calvin? You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh, nothing! Ha ha! Um, why? Are her shoes missing? I'd like to be paid in advance tonight.
The doorbell rings. It's Rosalyn! Calvin goes to the door. He tells Rosalyn that his parents have changed their minds about going out and won't be needing her services. Dad comes out and asks Calvin what he's talking about. Calvin says they can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes. Dad wonders what Calvin knows about that. Calvin looks guilty, says he doesn't know anything and asks if Mom's shoes are missing. Rosalyn asks to be paid in advance.

ch890927: Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now we're here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK, you, get in bed. WHAT?! It's not even 6:30! She remembers, all right. She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.
Calvin is upset Mom and Dad left them with the baby sitter. Hobbes asks if Calvin thinks she remembers how they threatened to flush Rosalyn's notes down the toilet. Calvin laughs, calling it their finest moment. Rosalyn opens the door and tells Calvin to get ready for bed. Calvin protests that it's not even 6:30 yet. In bed, Hobbes says she remembers. Calvin says he's going to call the rescue squad.

ch890928: Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here.
Calvin comes down the stairs. Rosalyn asks why he's out of bed. Calvin tells her he heard a thump outside. He wants her to check to make sure it's nothing scary. Rosalyn didn't hear a thump, but she offers to check. Calvin waits behind her, thinking her to go another two steps. Rosalyn looks out the door.

ch890929: See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat!
Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat.

ch890930: CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look??
Rosalyn yells in for Calvin to let her inside. From the top window, Calvin taunts her by saying there's only a 50% chance of rain. Hobbes notices her trying to open the downstairs windows. Calvin already has locked them. Rosalyn looks in the window and tells Calvin to open the door. Calvin asks what's in Rosalyn's purse and says he's going to look.

ch891001: Hmm... For THIS patient, I'm going to need more tongue depressors.All right, what's wrong with you? ... like I care. My foot hurts, Doctor. Your FOOT hurts? What kind of a stupid problem is THAT?! You're the doctor! You're supposed to find out what's wrong with it. It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a doctor. A LOBOTOMY?! That's not what a REAL doctor would say! Yeah? Who's wearing the stethescope, you or me? Here's a mallet. Do you want anesthesia? Wh... that's to test REFLEXES! Y-you don't know ANYTHING! How about a SHOT then? Like a shot in the mouth? That does it! I know more about medicine than you! I'll be the doctor now! Ow! Ow! Quit kicking! See, that's why your dumb foot hurts! Stop it! Say it! Sai I'm the doctor! OK, you're the doctor! But I'm not going to be any patient of YOURS! I'm leaving! Fine! Good riddance! You ruin everything! The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls. I'D be Susie's patient!
It's recess and there's a tyrannosaurus on the playground. The kids at the top of the slide go first. They had pushed and fought each other to be there. Teachers line the kids up to go inside. That's a sad mistake. The kids are gobbled up like Children McNuggets. The playground is empty. The tyrannosaur lets out a triumphant roar. Miss Wormwood sees Calvin's empty desk and wonders where he is. One of the kids in the class sees him by the swings yelling or something.

ch891002: CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us "Venusian Vampire Vixens"!
Rosalyn yells in that she's going to tell Calvin's parents about this. Calvin yells down for Rosalyn to pipe down. He and Hobbes can hardly hear the TV. Rosalyn says that he isn't supposed to be watching TV. Calvin offers that if she'll go get a VCR and a movie, they'll put the TV near a window so she can watch. Rosalyn shakes the door knob. Calvin asks if she's 18. He wants her to get "Venusian Vampire Vixens".

ch891003: CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
The phone rings inside the house. Rosalyn hopes it's Calvin's parents. She yells in that she hopes they ask to speak with her. Calvin says it's her boyfriend, Charlie. He offers to say she's indisposed. She wants to talk with Charlie. Calvin asks Chas if he isn't settling for too little in the girlfriend department.

ch891004: Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her.
At the restaurant, Mom and Dad are holding hands with wine glasses on the table. Mom says it's nice for them to get out of the house alone together for a change. Dad says it's so nice and quiet, they should do it more often. At home, Rosalyn yells in that she's going to break a window to get in. Calvin, on the phone, tells Chuck that his girlfriend is a psycho. He hopes Charlie isn't making any long-range plans around her.

ch891005: Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime.

ch891006: It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
Mom drags Calvin while he protests that is was a misunderstanding, an innocent mistake. Mom explains that locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. She explains that if he had gotten hurt or there was a fire, Rosalyn wouldn't have been able to help him. She tells Calvin to go apologize. Calvin does. Dad adds that he and Mom are sorry too and assures her Calvin will behave himself next time. Rosalyn says an extra five would help there be a next time.

ch891007: Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it.
In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he got in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes, making Mom and Dad late, locking Rosalyn out of the house. Calvin says that's a lot to live down for just one evening. He feels pretty bad. Hobbes adds that having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help.

ch891008: Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!
Calvin tells Hobbes he wishes he had more friends, but people are such jerks. Calvin says if you can get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find one person you really like, you're lucky. He adds that if that person can stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes asks what if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning. They stop to eat their lunch. They sit up against a tree and eat their apples. Calvin supposes there's no point in being greedy.

ch891009: Man, this is boring! How am I ever going to read three whole pages of this by tomorrow? It's impossible! ... Impossible?? Why, NOTHING'S impossible! Not for ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum
Calvin is reading his homework. He says it's boring. He asks how he's ever going to read three whole pages by tomorrow. It's impossible. He hits his book and says nothing's impossible...for Stupendous Man. He runs out of the room.

ch891010: YES! It's ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! Great moons of Jupiter! Calvin (STUPENDOUS MAN's 6-year-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read! It's TYRANNY! Although STUPENDOUS MAN could easily read the assignment with stupendous high-speed vision, the masked man of might has a bolder plan! With stupendous powers of reasoning, the caped combatant conclused thatere's no need for homework, if there's no school tomorrow!
It's Stupendous Man, lover of liberty. He notices Calvin (his 6-yr-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read. It's tyranny! Stupendous Man could easily read the assignment with his high-speed vision, he has a bolder plan. The caped combatant concludes there's no need for homework if there is no school tomorrow.

ch891011: A blinding bolt of blazing crimson careens across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! Seconds later, the amazing marvel alights upon an observatory telescope at Mount Palomar! With stupendous strength, STUPENDOUS MAN carefully unscrews the giant lens... ... and blasts into space with it!
Stupendous Man flies to the observatory telescope at Mount Palomar. With his stupendous strength, he carefully unscrews the giant lens and blasts into space with it.

ch891012: STUPENDOUS MAN circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens! Aligned perfectly with the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy... ... and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map! Now mild mannered Calvin has no need to do his homework ever again! Liberty prevails! How's your homework coming along, Calvin?
Stupendous Man circles the earth with a 200 inch telescope lens. Aligning perfectly to the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy....and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map. Stupendous Man flies into the bedroom window saying Calvin has no need of ever doing homework again. Liberty prevails!

ch891013: Uh oh, it's my arch-nemesis, MOM-LADY! She can't discover my secret identity! Calvin? Are you doing your homework in there? Quickly, STUPENDOUS MAN leaps into the closet to change back into his 6-year-old alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! Calvin? Are you in here? Unfortunately, STUPENDOUS MAN's cape is caught in mild-mannered Calvin's zipper! Curses! This is going to be a good one, I can tell. Geez, Mom! Can't a guy have a little privacy?!
Mom calls into the bedroom asking if Calvin is doing his homework. Stupendous Man recognizes his arch-nemesis, Mom-lady. He doesn't want her to discover his secret identity. He goes into the closet to change back into his alter ego, Calvin. Mom enters the bedroom looking for Calvin. Calvin, in the closet, notices that Stupendous Man's cape has gotten caught in Calvin's zipper. Mom opens the closet to see Calvin standing in his underwear. She says she can tell this is going to be a good one.

ch891014: And why, may I ask, are you standing in your underwear in the closet? Oh, no reason. Um.. I was hot. You're SUPPOSED to be doing your homework! I don't need to do it now, thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Oh yeah? It was great! He fried the school with a big magnifying lens in space! I'm sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Boy, she'll be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG trouble.
Mom asks why he's standing in his closet in his underwear. Calvin says because it was hot. Mom reminds him he's supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin tells her he doesn't have to do it, thanks to Stupendous Man. He explains how Stupendous Man fried the school with a big magnifying glass in space. He's sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Calvin, sitting at his desk reading his homework, grumbles that she'll be in trouble when she gives him his costume back.

ch891015: Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him.

ch891016: Uh oh, Calvin the reptile is in trouble! As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Now that it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish! He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie! Leave the thermostat alone, and put on a sweater if you're cold. I ... I don't have the en.. energy!
Calvin the reptile is in trouble. As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Since it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish. He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie. Mom tells Calvin to leave the thermostat alone and put a sweater on if he's cold. Calvin, slumped on a chair, says he doesn't have the energy.

ch891017: I heard that big cats don't purr. That's true. We're too fierce and ferocious, we don't ever purr. Well, what do you call the noice you make when you get your tummy rubbed? Growling friendly-like.
Hobbes is lying on the floor with Calvin leaning against him. Calvin heard that big cats don't purr. Hobbes says that's true. They're too fierce and ferocious. Calvin asks what he calls the noise he makes when his tummy gets rubbed. Hobbes replies it's growling friendly-like.

ch891018: Calvin, your Mom and I looked over your report card, and we think you could be doing better. But I don't like school. Why not? You like to read and you like to learn. I know you do. I mean, you've read every dinosaur book ever written, and you've learned a lot, right? Reading and learning are fun. Yeah... So why don't you like school? We don't read about dinosaurs.
Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom looked over his report card and think he could do better. Calvin says he doesn't like school. Dad explains that Calvin likes to read and likes to learn. He knows Calvin has read every dinosaur book ever written, and he learned a lot. He says reading and learning are fun. Dad asks why he doesn't like school. Calvin tells him they don't read about dinosaurs.

ch891019: I've got an idea, Dad. Maybe I'd get better grades if you offered me $1 for ever "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A"! I'm not going to BRIBE you, Calvin. You should apply yourself for your own good. Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks.
Calvin has an idea for Dad. He suggests Dad pay him $1 for every "D", $5 for every "C", $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A". Dad says he's not going to bribe Calvin. He should apply himself for his own good. Calvin says rats, he thought he could make a quick four bucks.

ch891020: Hello? Valley hardware? Yes, I'm calling to see if you sell blasting caps, detonators, timers and wire. Just the wire? OK, forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No, no, a rototiller won't do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK, goodbye. Looks like another boring day, Hobbes.
Calvin calls Valley Hardware looking for blasting caps, detonators, timers, and wire. They only have wire. He asks if they rent bulldozers or backhoes. He tells them a rototiller won't do. He asks about wrecking balls. They can't help Calvin. He walks outside and tells Hobbes it looks like another boring day.

ch891021: I can't sleep, Hobbes. I've been thinking. What about? Well, suppose there's no afterlife. That would mean THIS life is all you get. And THAT would mean I'm sitting here in a bed as precious moments of my all-too-short life disappear forever. Honey, wake up. Did you hear the television on?
Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on.

ch891022: Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! It's bedtime. Ooh, I wouldn't have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we don't just plain sleep. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can plan together all night. Hey, yeah! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes, ol' buddy! I'll be there! Z Z
Calvin can't get to sleep. He tries lying still thinking about how good it feels in bed, how soft the pillow is, how tired he is. That isn't working. He hears someone calling his name. Calvin asks if Mom is awake too. It's time to get up. Calvin says it can't be. It's the middle of the night and he hasn't slept a wink yet. Mom gently shakes Calvin awake. He had been dreaming. Calvin blinks his eyes. As he eats his cereal, he says this is going to be a bad day.

ch891023: The strangest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. Oh? What? I was minding my own business, when suddenly I was zapped into some sort of space void vortex! There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel univere too my place on earth, and... what have you done NOW? No, no, see, it wasn't ME...
Calvin tells Mom the strangest thing happened to him a few minutes ago. He was suddenly zapped into some sort of space void vortex. He watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of himself from a parallel universe took his place and... Mom asks what he did now. Calvin quickly says it wasn't him.

ch891024: Heh heh heh! AHA! I see you! Sneaking up to pounce on me, eh? Phooey. You see why MOST tigers don't chuckle to themselves.
Calvin is reading in the chair. He hears something say "heh, heh, heh". He looks behind the chair. He tells Hobbes he sees him sneaking up to pounce on him. Hobbes says "phooey". Calvin tells him he sees why most tigers don't chuckle to themselves.

ch891025: Want to play a great game I invented? OK. It's called "Gross Out". You say the grossest think you can imagine, and then I try to think of something even grosser. Whoever comes up with the grossest thing gets a point, and we play until someone gets 50 points, OK? I think I already know who's going to win. It's weidt, nobody ever played a whole game with me.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to play a game he invented. It's called "gross out". Hobbes should say the grossest thing he can think of, then Calvin tries to come up with something grosser. Whoever has the grossest thing gets a point. They play until someone gets 50 points. Hobbes says he thinks he already know who will win. Calvin says nobody has ever played a whole game with him.

ch891026: Pay attention to me.
Dad is sitting on his chair, reading. Calvin blows up a paper bag and pops it. Dad jumps. Calvin tells him to pay attention to him.

ch891027: I've got to write a report for school. What's your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break!
Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!

ch891028: Hell, Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report we're supposed to write for school? Yeah, my topic is bats. What's yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well, are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While you're there, could you research bats too, and make copies of all the information you find, and maybe underline the important parts for me, and sort of outline it, so I wouldn't have to read it all? How'd it go? I really loathe girls.
Calvin calls Susie. He asks her what her topic for the report is. It's elephants. Calvin asks if she's going to the library to do research on elephants. Susie is. Calvin asks while she's there if she wouldn't mind researching bats, too, and make copies of all the information she finds, underline the important parts, and outline it so he doesn't have to read it. Calvin comes back to his bedroom. Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin, with a frown, says he really loathes girls.

ch891029: His stabilizers useless, his fuel about to explode, our hero careens out of control over a strange, unexplored planet! Yes, it's just another typical day for the incredible Spaceman Spiff! Zorched by Zarokes, Spaceman Spiff's crippled craft crashes on Platet Plootarg! Dazed but undaunted, our fearless hero sets off in search of a service station! Zounds! The zealous zarches have followed Spiff to the planet's surface to finish him off! With a sudden chill, our hero realizes the planet's soft granular ground makes him easy to track! Thinking quickly, Spiff runs backward, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction! By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, our hero fools the hideous aliens! CALVIN! It's time to come in! We know he went this way. We'll find him.
Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner.

ch891030: What am I going to do about this report on bats? You've got to help me, Hobbes! OK, ... um, first let's make a list of what we know. Yeah! That's a good way to start! Great! Number one: what are bats? They're bugs, aren't they? Yeah, put that down. #1 BATS = BUGS Are you sure? They fly, right? They're ugly and hairy, right? C'mon, this is taking all day!
Calvin asks Hobbes to help him with his bat report. Hobbes suggests starting with what they know. Hobbes asks what bats are. Calvin asks if they're bugs. He has Hobbes write that down. Hobbes asks if he's sure they're bugs. Calvin says they fly, they're ugly and hairy. He tries hurrying Hobbes, saying this is taking all day.

ch891031: I think we've got enough information now, don't you? All we have is one "fact" you made up. That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? I don't want co-author credit on this, OK?
Calvin thinks they have enough information. Hobbes tells him they only have the one fact Calvin made up. Calvin says that's plenty. By the time they add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, he has a secret weapon that guarantees a good grade. No teacher can resist it. It's a clear plastic binder. Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes says he doesn't want coauthor credit on the report.

ch891101: Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah, I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well, when you know as much as I do, it doesn't take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Let's see. I guess you won't be setting the grade curve THIS time, Susie! Read it and weep. "Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies." Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats aren't BUGS!
Calvin asks Susie if she wrote her report. She did, it took all the evening. Calvin says it only took him 15 minutes. It doesn't take long when you know as much as he does. Susie asks to see the report. Calvin tells her she won't be setting the grade curve this time. She reads the title "Bats: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies". Calvin points out the professional, clear plastic binder. Susie yells that bats aren't bugs.

ch891102: All right, class, who would like to give his report first? I WOULD! I WOULD! Why Calvin, what a surprise to see YOU volunteer! You must have done a good job. Go to the front of the class. Oh boy! Now let's all pay attention. Go ahead, Calvin. Thank you. Before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. That's very nice. Go ahead. When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an "A". That's a tip, kids. Write it down.
Miss Wormwood asks the class if there are any volunteers to give his report first. Calvin volunteers. Miss Wormwood is surprised. She says Calvin must have done a good job. She tells Calvin to start. Calvin begins by pointing out to everyone that his report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. Calvin continues by saying when a report looks this good, you know it'll get an "A". He says that's a tip, kids, and he tells them to write that down.

ch891103: My report is on bats. ...ahem... "Dusk! With a creepy tingling sensation, you can hear the fluttering of leathery wings! BATS! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs, these unspeakable giant bugs drop onto..." BATS AREN'T BUGS!! Look, who's giving the report? YOU chowderheads... or ME?! Calvin, I'd like to see you a moment.
Calvin starts with a dramatic reading of "With a creepy, tingling sensation, you hear the fluttering of leathery wings. Bats! These unspeakable giant bugs drop onto...". The class all replies "Bats aren't bugs". Calvin asks them who's giving the report. Those chowderheads or him? Miss Wormwood would like to see Calvin a moment.

ch891104: Man alive! Can you believe what my teacher wrote on my report? She says I obviously did no research whatsoever on bats, and that my scientific illustration looks like I traced the Batman logo and added fangs! She's pretty perceptive. She didn't even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder! What did your parents have to say? Nothing. And if you'll give me a hand here, it will stay that way.
Calvin complains to Hobbes about what the teacher wrote on his report. She says he obviously did no research whatsoever and that his scientific illustration looks like he traced the Batman logo and added fangs. Hobbes says she's pretty perceptive. Calvin says she didn't even give him credit for the professional, clear plastic binder. Hobbes asks what his parents have to say. Calvin replies nothing. He says with Hobbes' help, it will stay that way. He has a shovel in his hand, and he's digging a hole for the report.

ch891105: Let's just sit here a moment... and savor the impending terror. Here we are, perched at the peak of Mount Maim! Why? Because I like to experience life to the fullest! I say you don't fully APPRECIATE life until you risk losing it! I like to stare death straight in the eye and make him blink! If your adrenalin isn't pumping, you're not really living! Right? Actually, I think real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa.
Calvin believes history is a force. Its tide sweeps all people and institutions along its path. Everything and everyone serve history's single purpose. Hobbes asks what that purpose is. Calvin says to produce him, of course. He's the end result of history. Calvin says thousands of generations lived and died to produce his exact, specific parents, whose reason for being was to produce him. Calvin goes on to say all history has been spent preparing the world for his presence. Hobbes thinks four and a half billion years probably wasn't long enough. Calvin says he's here, and history is vindicated. Hobbes asks what he's going to do, now that history's brought him. They sit at home watching cartoons on the television.

ch891106: Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
Calvin asks Susie what she brought for lunch. Susie tells him a Swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. She says it's her favorite, so she doesn't want to hear what gross thing he brought. Calvin says he bought the school lunch today. He says it appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie yells that those are beany-wienies. Calvin sticks out his tongue and says "Oh gross".

ch891107: Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7?
Dad answers the phone, and it's Calvin. Calvin tells him he's at school. Dad asks if everything is alright. He asks why he called. Calvin says he told the teacher he had to go to the bathroom. Instead, Calvin went to the pay phone. He asks Dad what 11 + 7 is.

ch891108: I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin says he was reading how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Calvin continues by saying the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

ch891109: What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.
Calvin pulls his shirt out, then steps into it. He comes downstairs standing in his shirt, with his pants and shoes on his head. Mom tells him he will be late for school. He makes him put his clothes on right. Walking away, Calvin laments that it's sad how some people can't handle a little variety.

ch891110: I wonder why man was put on earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
In bed, Calvin wonders why man was put on earth. He asks what's their purpose. Why are they here? Hobbes tells him "tiger food". Hobbes then smiles at Calvin. Lying back down in bed, Calvin peeks over at Hobbes.

ch891111: Z Z SNAP A little high-strung, are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
Hobbes is lying asleep on the floor. Calvin walks by blowing a gum bubble. It pops, and Hobbes jumps into the air. Calvin, lying on the floor all torn up, asks Hobbes if he's a little high-strung. Hobbes tells him tigers call it lightning quick reflexes.

ch891112: Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue, value, or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvin's eyes stopped working properly, or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause, it's clear to Clavin that there's no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!!
Calvin is dragging the sled, but there's no snow on the ground. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin says he plans an appeal to the snow demons. He says they're tormenting them with wimpy weather because they're angry. Calvin is going to lie on his sled and think snow thoughts until the snow demons have mercy and unleash a blizzard. Calvin says a rhyme about it snowing. Hobbes looks at the sky. He walks away and says he'll come out in January to see how he's doing. Calvin tells him to let Mom know he'll need his meals out there and that he won't be going to school tomorrow.

ch891113: Sighhhh... HEY! WHOA! WHOA! WAHHH BAM CALVIN, QUIT BANGING AROUND!
Calvin is reading his homework. Suddenly, he flies up into the ceiling. BAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.

ch891114: Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor, I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! You'd thing this is the type of thing we'd learn about in science class, but no, we learn about cirrus clouds.
Calvin is sitting on the ceiling. Nothing else fell up, just him. If he tries to jump to the floor, he lands back on the ceiling. His personal gravity must have reversed polarity. As he walks along the ceiling, he says you'd think this would be the type of thing they'd learn about in science class. But instead, they learn about cirrus clouds.

ch891115: Having my personal gravity polarity reversed is a nuisance. How am I going to get up to the floor? There's not anything on the ceiling that I could even climb up. How am I supposed to do my homework when I'm trapped on the ceiling? It's impossible.
Calvin can't figure out how to get to the floor with his personal gravity polarity reversed. There's nothing on the ceiling he can climb to get there. He wonders how he'll do his homework if he's trapped on the ceiling. Calvin smiles.

ch891116: Mom and Dad won't be too happy about THIS. No sir. Dad will have to bolt my bed to the ceiling tonight, and Mom will have to stand on a stepladder to hand me dinner. Then I'll have to hold my plate upside-down above my head and scrape the food off the underside! And if I spill anything, it will fly 10 feet up to the floor and splot! This is going to be the most fun I've ever had!
Calvin knows Mom and Dad won't be happy about things. Dad will have to bolt his bed to the ceiling, and Mom will have to stand on a step ladder to serve dinner. He'll have to hold the plate upside down and scrape the food off the underside. If he spills anything, it will fall ten feet to the floor. He says this will be the most fun he's ever had.

ch891117: All this wide open ceiling space! I wish I could get my roller skates. Heyh, maybe I can climb up this bookcase and when I get to the bottom shelf, leap to a chair. Then I can pull myself across other pieces of furniture and work my way to the chest. I can hear Mom now: How on earth did you get sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf?!"
With all the open ceiling space, Calvin wishes he could get his roller skates. He decides to try climbing down the bookcase and jumping to a chair. Then he can pull himself across other pieces of furniture to get to his toy chest. As he walks down the bookcase, he says he can hear Mom wondering how he got sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf.

ch891118: There! I think I can jump to that chair and hang on to the back. GEERONIMOOO! WHOAAA! WHAM! Great. Just great. Calvin, QUIT BANGING AROUND!
Calvin is ready to jump to the chair. He leaps. The chair pushes over and lands on its back. WHAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around.

ch891119: While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange, unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but a hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform, tied me up, and wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum, coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, the numbers and equations, were mechanically removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say I cannot add, so ask some other kid.
Calvin gets dressed and walks out the door. He trips on a rock and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He gets out of bed, gets dressed, goes out the door, and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He hears Mom call to him, asking if he's getting up.

ch891120: RRG! MMF! Getting any HOMEWORK done, or are you just ruining furniture? Maybe I'm hanging here for dear LIFE! Ever think of THAT?
Calvin tries to pull the chair upright. Mom comes over and asks if he's getting any homework done, or if he's just ruining furniture. Calvin replies that maybe he's hanging on the chair for dear life.

ch891121: I'm TELLING you, my personal gravity reversed its polarity! I fall UP now! I've been trapped on the ceiling! I couldn't do my homework up THERE! My desk is on the FLOOR! You should be glad I wasn't OUTSIDE when it happened, or I'd be sailing through the ionosphere! Right. Now I don't want to hear any more nonsense until you're through with your homework, understand? DON'T LET GO! DON'T LET GO!
As Mom picks Calvin up, he tells her his personal gravity reversed its polarity. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he tells her he's been stuck on the ceiling. He couldn't do his homework there. He tells Mom she should be glad it didn't happen outside or he would be sailing through the ionosphere. As Mom puts him in his chair, she tells him she doesn't want to hear any more of his nonsense until he's through with his homework. Calvin tells her not to let him go.

ch891122: It's... it's a miracle! My personal gravity is back to normal! Glad to hear it. Now do your math. You bet, Mom. Boy, what a relief to be pulled down instead of up! I'll check your progress in a little bit. Uh oh.
Calvin declares a miracle. His personal gravity is back to normal. Mom's glad to hear it. Calvin says it's a relief to be pulled down instead of up. Mom says she'll check on his progress in a little bit. Calvin sits grumpily looking at his homework. He starts to get larger. He says "uh oh".

ch891123: This has been a most peculiar afternoon.
Calvin keeps growing. He tries to get out his bedroom door. He squeezes out into the hallway. As he crawls along, he says this has been a most peculiar afternoon.

ch891124: I've got to get outside before I grow bigger! I suppose I should get my pituitary gland checked.
Calvin has to get outside before he grows bigger. He barely gets his foot out the door. Once outside, he walks off saying he should get his pituitary gland checked.

ch891125: I know! I'll run downtown and find Dad at work! Maybe he can help! Hm... now which building does Dad work in? They all look the same. ... well, maybe Dad can find ME.
Calvin runs toward downtown to find Dad at work. He figures he can help. As Calvin walks among the skyscrapers, he can't tell which one Dad works in. He decides maybe Dad can find him.

ch891126: Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says they're too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward, I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well, he looked at me a minute, and said he didn't know about the rest of it, but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. I've noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think it's GOOD that everyone becomes food.
The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing "dodge ball" in gym class.

ch891127: No text
The ever-growing Calvin walks off the shore into the ocean. His head enters the clouds. He grows up through the clouds. Calvin looks up toward the heavens.

ch891128: No text
Calvin continues to grow. He gets so big he can barely stand on the earth. He gets bigger and eventually falls off the earth.

ch891129: No text
Calvin falls into the Milky Way galaxy. He tumbles around. He sees a door.

ch891130: Well? How's you're math coming along? I've almost started!
Calvin opens the door, and he's normal size in his room. He sits back down at the desk. Mom comes in and asks how his math is coming along. Calvin says he's almost started.

ch891201: Oh brother! Another "discussion" about my study habits and the importance of homework. I've tried explaining that it's hard to study when one's size suddently starts increasing, but does SHE care?! Hah! No, it's just blah blah blah, like it's all MY fault! Mom's never been as big as a galaxy, so she can't understand how anyone ELSE could be! Sheesh. Oops, it looks like she's wrapping up. Better start nodding. Good. I'm glad we had this little talk.
Mom is talking to Calvin, but he's thinking about getting another "discussion" about his study habits and the importance of homework. Calvin continues thinking about how he tried to tell her it's hard to study when one's size suddenly starts increasing. Mom is still talking and gesturing, but Calvin continues thinking about how she says it's all his fault. Mom hasn't been as big as a galaxy, so she doesn't understand how anyone else can be. Calvin thinks Mom is wrapping up, so he starts nodding. Mom tells him she's glad they had this little talk.

ch891202: Doing homework? Yeahhhh.... Boy, you missed the show. I just got a big lecture from Mom just because I got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big I fell off the planet when I was supposed to be doing my math! Gee, THAT'S not very fair. You said it. Here, how about helping me hurry up with these problems? Sure! Tigers are great at math! Now what do these little horizontal lines mean? That's a minus sign. Let me know when you're done, OK? I'll be reading comic books.
Calvin tells Hobbes he missed the show. He tells him he got a big lecture because he got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big he fell off the planet when he should have been doing math. Hobbes doesn't think that isn't fair. Calvin asks for help on his homework. Hobbes says tigers are good at math. He asks what the little horizontal lines mean. Calvin tells him it's a minus sign. He tells Hobbes to let him know when he's done. Calvin is going to be reading comic books.

ch891203: YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh, if only I had a snowball, I'd smack it right across the back of her fat head! I'll bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh, man, I forgot! I hate this time of the year. You'd better say you're sorry. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! You'd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! That's going too darn far. You'd better say you'd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I don't know what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing. I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it! After today, I'll bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. You're no better off than I am, buddy.
Calvin is mailing his Christmas list to Santa. It's costing $2.40 to send. Calvin says Santa had better read it carefully. Last year, he didn't get half of what he wanted. Hobbes asks Calvin if he behaved better this year. Calvin says he's been a veritable angel this year, like always. Hobbes says in that case, they can have a cookout with his stocking contents. Hobbes asks if Calvin put anything on his list for him. Calvin tells him to make his own list. Hobbes sticks his tongue out and tells Calvin "tidings of comfort and joy to you too". Calvin tells him it's every man for himself in this world. But since Calvin can't reach the mail box flap to open it, he tells Hobbes to give him a boost.

ch891204: When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh, I dunno. Probably a little after New Year's. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes there's still tinsel on the tree too, so you don't even have to decorate it! We'll save time AND money! OK, what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
Calvin asks Dad when they're going to get a Christmas tree. Dad tells Calvin a little after New Year's. Calvin is shocked. Dad explains that they can go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors' driveways. Dad continues by saying there's sometimes some tinsel left on the trees, so you don't even have to decorate it. You save time and money. Calvin, horrified, clings to Mom's ankle. Mom asks what Dad told him this time.

ch891205: Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME, then?
In class, Calvin has a question. He asks Miss Wormwood if they could stop the lesson and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Miss Wormwood says of course not. Calvin then asks if just he can.

ch891206: For "Show and Tell" today, I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
For "show and tell", Calvin has something he says will astound and amaze the class. He looks into the bag, then looks from side-to-side. He then asks the class if everyone has had their shots.

ch891207: Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah, come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think I'm falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there aren't monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. They're all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why, we're dust balls! Yeah, LITTLE dust balls!
Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed tonight. A couple voices say of course not, come see for himself. Calvin says he's not going to fall for that. He asks who he's talking to if there are no monsters. After some hesitation, the voices say they're dust balls. Calvin says they're all teeth and digestive tract, no brains at all.

ch891208: EWW! What's THIS disgusting stuff?! It's spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if they're too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Hey, I LIKE it!
Calvin asks what his disgusting dinner is. Mom sets the plate down and tells him it's spider pie. She says he can pick out the big legs and give them to Dad if they're too hairy for Calvin. Calvin looks at the plate. Calvin decides he likes it. Mom says they'll have a quiet dinner for once. Dad says he sure doesn't feel like opening his mouth.

ch891209: Want to go play outside? No, it's too much trouble. FIRST I'd have to get up. THEN I'd have to put on a coat. THEN I'd have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. I'll tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control.
Hobbes asks Calvin if he wants to play outside. Calvin goes into great detail why he doesn't. He'd have to get up, get a coat, put on his hat, they'd run around and get tired. Then, he'd have to come in and take it all off again. Hobbes asks what he'll do. Calvin says he's going to sit in the chair until a good TV show comes on. Hobbes walks off saying he'll tell Mom and Dad to point him toward the light and water him periodically. Calvin tells him that instead of making smart remarks, he could get Calvin the remote control.

ch891210: I'M HO-OME! A tiny snowman! Why are you down there without a coat? Me? No reason.
It has snowed overnight. Calvin walks out into it. He says a mountain of ice has crushed half the neighborhood. It's a glacier in his own town. Wooly mammoths walk about. Calvin declares a new Ice Age. He pulls out his sled. There has really only been one...lousy...half...inch. Hobbes tells Calvin the sun is coming out.

ch891211: What are you doing still in bed?! I've called you three times! You're going to miss the bus! That's the idea. I'm staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year, and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I don't get up. Disobeying your mother and missing the bus isn't good. It's bad. That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.
Mom asks why Calvin is still in bed. She's called him three times. Calvin says he's staying in bed until Christmas. He wants tons of loot this year, and he figures his chances of being good improve greatly if he doesn't get up. Mom says that disobeying his mother and missing the bus isn't good, it's bad. As Calvin hops into his clothes, he says that darn Santa has got him every way he turns.

ch891212: I hate this time of the year. I've got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! I'll never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It's just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I'm usually an innocent bystand... HEY, I SAW you roll your eyes! So you don't believe me, eh?! ME?? By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I'M through with you! Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches!
Calvin tells Hobbes he hates this time of year. He has two more weeks to be good if he wants Christmas goodies. He says he tries to be good. He says his heart is pure as the driven snow. He says sometimes events beyond his control conspire against him. Hobbes rolls his eyes, and Calvin catches him. They start fighting. Calvin says Hobbes' eyes will be rolling toward each other when he's through with him. Hobbes counters by saying he hopes Calvin asked Santa for some crutches.

ch891213: Miserable miscreant! Question my integrity, will you? I can't QUESTION it until I've see some EVIDENCE of it! AUGHH! I'VE BEEN FIGHTING! Only in the loosest sense of the word. SANTA, HE MADE ME! I DIDN'T MEAN TO FIGHT! YES HE DID! YES HE DID! HE STARTED IT! I DID NOT! DID TOO! DID NOT! DID TOO! LIAR! LIAR!
Still fighting, Calvin calls Hobbes a miscreant. He asks if Hobbes questions his integrity. Hobbes replies he can't question it until he sees some evidence of it. Calvin stops and realizes he's been fighting. Calvin yells to Santa that Hobbes made him fight. Hobbes yells that Calvin meant to fight and that Calvin started it. They start fighting again, calling each other liars.

ch891214: Look, Hobbes, no one SAW us fighting, right? This can be OUR little SECRET, OK? Santa doesn't have to know about this, right? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. OK, OK, I'll even apologize! I'm sorry. How's that? See, it's OK to fight just a little bit if you say you're sorry afterward. You bit and kicked. I SAID I was sorry! What more do you want?! You could let me read all your comic books. OVER MY DEAD BODY! "Dear Santa, know what Calvin did today?"
Calvin stops again and tells Hobbes that since no one saw them fighting, it can be their little secret. He says Santa doesn't have to know about this. Hobbes isn't sure if Santa does or not. Calvin apologizes to Hobbes. Hobbes replies that Calvin bit and kicked. Calvin says he apologized and wonders what else Hobbes wants. Hobbes says Calvin could let him read all his comic books. Calvin replies "Over my dead body". Hobbes pretends to write Santa a note about what Calvin did today.

ch891215: Boy, if it wasn't so close to Chrismas, I'd pound you good! Yeah, I'd like to see you try! Oh no you don't! You're not tempting ME! I want every item on my Christmas list, so I'm being GOOD. No matter what the provication! Here comes Susie Derkins. Really? Quick, help me find a pine cone I can throw at... ...NO! I'm being GOOD! Good! Good! Good! You'll never make it till Christmas. Give up now and enjoy yourself.
Calvin tells Hobbes that if it wasn't so close to Christmas, he'd pound him good. Hobbes wants to see him try. Calvin won't be tempted. He wants every item on his Christmas list, so he's being good. Hobbes mentions Susie Derkins is coming. Calvin looks for a pine cone to throw at her. He stops, clenches his teeth, and says he's going to be good. Hobbes says he'll never make it to Christmas. He might as well give up now and enjoy himself.

ch891216: Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No, he's just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually, he's been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately, I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.
Susie asks Calvin if he's bringing Hobbes to school. Calvin says Hobbes is just keeping him company while he waits for the bus. Calvin goes on to say Hobbes has been nothing but trouble today. He's trying to sabotage Calvin's Christmas by making Calvin be bad. Calvin tells Susie that he asked Santa for such great presents that he can withstand any temptation. Susie asks what he asked for. Calvin tells her a heat-seeking guided missile. He figures five minutes with one of those babies makes up for the whole rotten month.

ch891217: There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
Hobbes brings Calvin a letter from the "North Pole". Calvin opens the note and reads that he's a rotten little kid, he's obviously the naughtiest kid in the whole world, but he has seven days to get on the "good boy" list. The note suggests being kind to animals. Perhaps an animal who would like a snack soon, or one who could read his comic books sometime. It's signed "Santa Claws". Calvin recognizes the handwriting. It is from Hobbes. Calvin offers Hobbes a knuckle sandwich for a snack.

ch891218: Want to help me write a book? Sure. What's it about? Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book, I have a flame thrower!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he'll help him write a book. Calvin says this book will be like historical fiction. He's writing a fictional autobiography. He tells Hobbes it's the story of his life with a lot of parts completely made up. Hobbes asks why he'd want to make up his whole life. Calvin replies that in his book, he has a flame thrower.

ch891219: Still and quiet feline form, in the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
Calvin comes upon a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin says a poem. "Still and quiet feline form, in the sun asleep and warm, his tail is limp, his whiskers drooped, man what could make this cat so pooped". He walks off. Hobbes thinks "sheeshh".

ch891220: Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. That's nice. Now, I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
Calvin tells Mom he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He's looking for a page one lead story and asks if he can interview her. He asks what she's cutting up for dinner. Mom replies fish. Calvin has the headlines. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family devours victim! Mom shoo's him out of the kitchen.

ch891221: Hi Dad. I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure, what do you need? Well, you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called "Dopey Dad". So in the next panel, Dopey Dad yells, "It's bed time for YOU, young man!" Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
Calvin tells Dad he's making a newspaper to report the events of the household. He asks Dad to help him out either by giving him fifteen bucks to pay labor and production costs or to be the subject of a comic strip, "Dopey Dad". Under his blanket at night, using a flashlight, Calvin and Hobbes are drawing the comic strip. Calvin has Dopey Dad yelling "It's bed time for you, young man". Hobbes chuckles about how big he made the mouth.

ch891222: Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish we'd ged ad aquariub!
Calvin gets out of the bathtub wearing a snorkel and mask. He's breathing through the snorkel. He goes out the bathroom door and down the stairs. He's standing there naked telling Mom he wishes they would get an aquarium.

ch891223: What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no, not again! That's what you hear EVERY night! Let's read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
Dad asks Calvin what story he'd like to hear. Calvin wants "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie". Dad wants to read something different. Calvin insists. Dad says he's going to read a different story that Calvin will like. Calvin says he won't like it. He threatens to stay awake until morning unless Dad reads Hamster Huey. Afterward, Hobbes tells Calvin he doesn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that sarcastic tone of voice. Calvin doesn't remember Hamster Huey doing everything so fast.

ch891224: and Santa, if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying, you've HAD it. Hmm... That might not be politic. I'm getting nervous about Christmas. You're worried you haven't been good? That's just one question. It's all relative. What's Santa's definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I haven't KILLED anybody. See, that's good, right? I haven't committed any felonies. I didn't start any wars. I don't practice cannibalism. Wouldn't you say that's pretty good? Wouldn't you say I should get lots of presents? But maybe good is more than the absence of bad. See, THAT's what worries me. ...OK, assuming I can get an overnight letter to the north pole, what would you charge to write me a glowing character reference? Oh no, I'm not going to perjure myself for you! MY record's clean!
Calvin and Hobbes are lying on the floor, by the Christmas tree and the fireplace. There is a poem about Christmas Eve. It reads the tree is decorated festively, Christmas songs play on the radio, his tiger is fast asleep, he turns to warm whatever's not hot. He gives his friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow is what he's waiting for, but he can wait a little more.

ch891225: Ha ha! It's Christmas! Hurry up, Mom and Dad! It's almost dawn! Here, I got you a present. You got me a present? Gosh Hobbes, how nice! I picked it out myself! Open it! Why, it's ... It's three cans of ... Uh... Salmon. Um, thanks, Hobbes. Gee, I didn't get YOU a present. I feel terrible. I thought of that. See, you could give me mine back! That would be a GOOD present! Well then, here! Merry Christmas, Hobbes! Why, thank you! It's just what I wanted! Merry Christmas! Calvin, did you know these cans over in the pantry?
Calvin and Hobbes are under the Christmas tree. Hobbes gives Calvin a present. He picked it out himself. It's three cans of salmon. Calvin thanks Hobbes for the gift. Calvin feels bad because he didn't get Hobbes anything. Hobbes suggests Calvin give him back the gift. Calvin does, and Hobbes thanks him. They exchange Christmas wishes.

ch891226: Well, here we are, poised at the precipice of "Pallbearer Peak" on a flimsy sled! The mind recoils in horror to imagine the awful descent! Yes, I'ts a thousand food vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes! It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear! Read to go? Ready!
Calvin and Hobbes are at the top of "Pallbearer Peak" with their sled. Calvin talks about the horror of the descent, the thousand foot vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes. It's a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear. Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ready to go, and Hobbes says yes. They get up and walk off with their sled in hand.

ch891227: New hat, Dad? Yep. I like it. Thank you. So do I. AAUGH! You're going to be late for work, Dad!
Calvin is standing in the snow watching Dad walk by. Calvin asks if Dad is wearing a new hat. Dad says yes. Calvin says he likes it, and Dad says he does, also. Calvin makes a snowball. Dad's briefcase is lying on the sidewalk next to his new hat which has snow around it. Off screen, Calvin yells that Dad is going to be late for work.

ch891228: You don't LIKE my "Snowman House of Horror", do you?!
There are snowmen on the yard. One is holding his head, one has three eyes and two noses, one was built around a tree so it looks like the tree sticks up from the snowman, one is cut in half by a smaller snowman on a sled. Mom has her tongue stuck out. Calvin asks if Mom likes his "Snowman House of Horror".

ch891229: I SEE YOU, HOBBES! MAN, WHAT A LOUSY SHOT! TIGERS CAN'T THROW WORTH A ... SMACK! I just threw the first one so you'd turn around.
A snowball flies over Calvin's head. He turns and says he sees Hobbes. He says Hobbes is a lousy shot. The next snowball smacks Calvin right in the face. Hobbes comes over and says he just threw the first one so Calvin would turn around.

ch891230: A new decade is coming up. Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade? You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? Frankly, Im not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've GOT. I mean, look at this! We still have WEATHER?! Give me a break!
Calvin and Hobbes are walking across the snow covered field. Hobbes says a new decade is coming up. Calvin says big deal. Calvin asks where are the flying cars, the moon colonies, the personal robots, and zero gravity boots. He scoffs that this is the future. He asks where are the rocket packs, disintegration rays, and floating cities. Hobbes isn't so sure people have the brains to manage the technology they have.

ch891231: I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Hobbes asks if Calvin is making any New Year resolutions. Calvin asks what he's implying. He thinks he's perfect the way he is. He rants on about staying like this, and everyone can get used to it. It's a free country. He doesn't need anyone's permission to be the way he wants. He says life is too short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how he should be. Everyone can stay out of his face. He turns around to see Hobbes has left. Calvin grumbles that Hobbes should resolve to be more attentive when someone is speaking.

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995