Chat transcripts

I was scouring various chat rooms on Yahoo, when I hear music stream down one of the Mumbai chat rooms. It looked like fairly professional music. Quite nice. After a while, a message came on the the chat room…

mahomedyaseenkhan: did you hear my music?

I did. So,…

anand_m26blr: Hi maho… I do. Heard you.
mahomedyaseenkhan: hello!!!!!!
mahomedyaseenkhan: was my singing nice
mahomedyaseenkhan: must i sing more songs
anand_m26blr: A bit on the higher side, the pitch.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I said that. Well, frankly, I heard a LADY’s voice, and “mahomedyaseenkhan” sure is no lady. But heck, there’s a whole lot of people who can sing at a lady’s pitch, so I figured, fine. (The truth is revealed later.)

anand_m26blr: The tune was good, though.
anand_m26blr: On the whole, yeah, I’d buy your album
mahomedyaseenkhan: must i sing more song’s
mahomedyaseenkhan: can i sing more songs
anand_m26blr: You sure must!
anand_m26blr: Have you given a performance before?
anand_m26blr: Louder, please!
mahomedyaseenkhan: ill sing just now
mahomedyaseenkhan: let me chat
anand_m26blr: OK, sure.
mahomedyaseenkhan: are u a muslim
mahomedyaseenkhan: if u are u no wats azaan
anand_m26blr: No, and I don’t know what azaan is either…
anand_m26blr: What is it?
mahomedyaseenkhan: in muslim we have 2pray wen something goes
mahomedyaseenkhan: its something that a man sayz 2whole of south afrca’s mulims
mahomedyaseenkhan: muslims
anand_m26blr: Oh, I see.
anand_m26blr: Why’d you ask, BTW?
mahomedyaseenkhan: wat did u c
mahomedyaseenkhan: lol
mahomedyaseenkhan: just joking

I didn’t see the joke. But no harm in smiling…

anand_m26blr: 🙂
mahomedyaseenkhan: k ill sing in 01 min time
mahomedyaseenkhan: im setting my band
anand_m26blr: OK, will await in rapt attention

I was being sarcastic, but the music that I heard was truly professional. I was convinced they guy was either operating a proper band, or was playing recorded music.

mahomedyaseenkhan: howz that 1
anand_m26blr: Way cool, man!!
anand_m26blr: How many of you were there?
anand_m26blr: Or was it all just you!?
mahomedyaseenkhan: me and my friends
mahomedyaseenkhan: 3of uss
mahomedyaseenkhan: which 1u think was me
anand_m26blr: You sure have a great band, boss. Where are you? In Mumbai?
anand_m26blr: I don’t know… a wild guess would be the guitarist. Were you?
mahomedyaseenkhan: i was the 1 that was saying
mahomedyaseenkhan: south afrca
mahomedyaseenkhan: durban
anand_m26blr: Oh, OK.
mahomedyaseenkhan: i swear by the moon and the star
anand_m26blr: What about the accompaniments, then?
mahomedyaseenkhan: ?
anand_m26blr: I mean, who played the instruments?
mahomedyaseenkhan: must i sing anothere 1
mahomedyaseenkhan: my friendz
mahomedyaseenkhan: another song
anand_m26blr: Why not? More importantly, why don’t you record your songs in an album?
mahomedyaseenkhan: this song my sister will sing 4u
mahomedyaseenkhan: with her friendz
mahomedyaseenkhan: nah
mahomedyaseenkhan: its not that good
mahomedyaseenkhan: my sister will sing this song
mahomedyaseenkhan: its called
anand_m26blr: What difference does THAT make? Just record it yaar. Anyway, I’ll be listening.
mahomedyaseenkhan: survivour
mahomedyaseenkhan: k
mahomedyaseenkhan: my sister sang that 1
mahomedyaseenkhan: must i sing
mahomedyaseenkhan: now
mahomedyaseenkhan: wait
mahomedyaseenkhan: 1min
mahomedyaseenkhan: usts a move
anand_m26blr: Hey, I didn’t hear the last one…
mahomedyaseenkhan: ill tell my sister 2sing it again
anand_m26blr: OK.
mahomedyaseenkhan: are u listnin
mahomedyaseenkhan: 2myn
anand_m26blr: Can’t hear a thing.
anand_m26blr: OK, will wait.
mahomedyaseenkhan: did u hear myn
mahomedyaseenkhan: its called
anand_m26blr: I heard a voice, but no song…
mahomedyaseenkhan: it wasn’t me
anand_m26blr: I mean, just a phrase…
anand_m26blr: Not a song.
mahomedyaseenkhan: wait
mahomedyaseenkhan: ill tell my sis
mahomedyaseenkhan: sing her 1 again
anand_m26blr: Just let me know when she starts, and I’ll tell you if I can hear her.
mahomedyaseenkhan: she will start now
anand_m26blr: Can’t hear anything yet.
mahomedyaseenkhan: now
anand_m26blr: Can’t hear a thing.
mahomedyaseenkhan: can u hear
anand_m26blr: What’s happening?
anand_m26blr: OK, can hear her.
anand_m26blr: Hey, sounds great. Exactly like the original.

I wasn’t kidding. I thought they were playing me some tape. Anyway, listening to original albums isn’t my way of spending a weekend anyway.

anand_m26blr: OK, boss, I’ve got to push now. Have to eat. Let’s chat some other time…
anand_m26blr: will look forward to it.
anand_m26blr: Really sorry I couldn’t chat longer.
anand_m26blr: Bye!

Ah, but our friend is persistent.

mahomedyaseenkhan: how about after u eat
anand_m26blr: I’m going home after that.
mahomedyaseenkhan: k
anand_m26blr: How about next weekend? That’s when I’ll get online again.
mahomedyaseenkhan: friday night
anand_m26blr: OK. Bye!

Needless to say, I took several months before I logged in.

There’s this ID: magiccrystalball@yahoo.com, and I was chatting early in the morning. Clearly a bot. I was in a fairly loving mood, and I wanted to see if this bot would have A.I. enough to empathize with me. Well, I think it was a little confused, being that early.
root_node: Hi Ball,
magiccrystalball: cannot predict now
root_node: how are you?
magiccrystalball: as i see it, yes
root_node: Who makes the best cola in the world?
magiccrystalball: don’t count on it
root_node: is there life after death?
magiccrystalball: outlook not so good
root_node: Am I beautiful?
magiccrystalball: reply hazy, try again
root_node: Will you marry me?
magiccrystalball: it is decidely so
root_node: Do you love me?
magiccrystalball: better not tell you now
root_node: When will you tell me?
magiccrystalball: it is decidely so
root_node: Are you a guy or a girl?
magiccrystalball: it is decidely so
root_node: Why can’t you talk straight?
magiccrystalball: concentrate and ask again
root_node: Why can’t you talk straight?
magiccrystalball: concentrate and ask again
root_node: How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
magiccrystalball: my reply is no
root_node: You are hilarious.
magiccrystalball: yes
root_node: You are an idiot.
magiccrystalball: cannot predict now
root_node: I love you
magiccrystalball: yes
root_node: Do you love me?
magiccrystalball: reply hazy, try again
root_node: Do you still love me?
magiccrystalball: yes, definitely
root_node: But what will Shobana say?
magiccrystalball: yes
root_node: I don’t think so
magiccrystalball: concentrate and ask again
root_node: She won’t say “yes”
magiccrystalball: concentrate and ask again
root_node: Bye!
magiccrystalball: outlook not so good

I just can’t figure out some people. It’s not just their English, which can be even more confusing than mine. It’s just their way of thinking, I guess. This guy, for instance, started off with…
debasissatpathy: hi friend i want a cool girl
root_node: I’m sure you do. Haven’t found one yet, have you?
debasissatpathy: no i have lots of girl friends not a lover
root_node: Too bad. Why don’t you have a lover, though?
debasissatpathy: i want a girl who will perfect matching for me
root_node: And what kind of a person is a perfect match for you?
debasissatpathy: a sexy bold and friendly girl
root_node: That’s it? And you’d fall in love with a sexy, bold and friendly girl?
root_node: (BTW, hope you’re not trying to hook ME…)
root_node: I’m not a girl, FYI.
debasissatpathy: he i am a girl try to hog me

This floored me completely. I had no clue what the guy was saying. I figured he might have meant, “Hey, I am a girl… try to hug me!” — so I figured…

root_node: Gosh, I’m chatting to a lesbian!!
debasissatpathy: he i am not a lesbo i am intrest in your pennies

Now, I’m completely clueless. “pennies”!?? Why’s he interested in my money, and how’s he going to get his hands on it? But then, it hit me…

root_node: Ah, I trust that would be a mis-spelling for the male organ of reproduction.
root_node: Nice thing to be interested in.
root_node: And you’re looking for your sexy bold friendly girl online?
debasissatpathy: it is only nice or any thing special in you
root_node: Oh, dear me.. always thought I was a bit different, at least in name…
debasissatpathy: no nothing in name you want to enjoy so don’t be a homo
root_node: Fair advice. Thought bisexuals have the best of both world’s I guess.
root_node: Wouldn’t you agree?
debasissatpathy: common i am a male and don’t be so bore
root_node: Hmmm… what do you propose we do then, Debasis?
root_node: I hate to bore you as much as you hate being bored by me.
root_node: Shall we pester some of the lasses around?
debasissatpathy: no if you want a strong friend ship then step your feet now
debasissatpathy: i am a very carring person above all i am an indian

Wow! Strong sentiments. I’d better “step on my feet”, and prove my “friendship”.

root_node: So am I Debasis. Caring, and Indian.
debasissatpathy: he don’t be so bold enjoy
root_node: I didn’t understand…
debasissatpathy: to be a friend you should tell me somthing about you and your family
root_node: OK. I’m an only child, and I’m from Madras.
debasissatpathy: do you native of tn or migrated
root_node: Native.
root_node: What about you, Debasis? How old are you? What do you do?
debasissatpathy: what about your hobbies
root_node: I play the keyboard. Mostly film songs. I play basketball. Reading, etc.
debasissatpathy: tell me about your education
root_node: Of course… but do answer my question? How old are you? And what do you do?
debasissatpathy: i am 22 year old a mechanical engineer and warkin in a mnc at new delhi
root_node: Oh… which company do you work in?
debasissatpathy: in neolite industries
root_node: What products do you manufacture?
debasissatpathy: automobile lights
root_node: Oh, cool. I just finished a management degree a few months ago.
root_node: I’m a chemical engineer myself.
debasissatpathy: good but tell me what you want to be in feature
root_node: I want to direct a cartoon film. Some day…
debasissatpathy: ok why cartoon these are aim of girls

Sheesh! Such preconceived notions…. anyway, at this point, the guy starts getting really wierd.

root_node: Well… sounds like Walt Disney was a guy. And I kinda admire the guy.
root_node: Wouldn’t mind being like him.
debasissatpathy: tell me one thing if you are alone with a girl what will you do
root_node: Talk to her.
debasissatpathy: what type of talk
root_node: Normal talk — the kind we’re doing. What’re your interests, etc.
root_node: Why? What would YOU do?
debasissatpathy: i will try to notice if see will screm or not
root_node: OK, and then?
debasissatpathy: try to know about her needs
root_node: Like what?
debasissatpathy: if she want help ok or if her intesions are bad then leave her alone
root_node: What do you mean by bad intentions?
debasissatpathy: not by bad intent but i like those who know there limits
root_node: Please clarify….
debasissatpathy: a girl look good not only from skin from charecter that is for male also
debasissatpathy: so always try to control yourself
root_node: Of course, Debasis. I’ll keep that in mind.
debasissatpathy: because i love those girls
root_node: Have you met many girls who do not know their limits?
debasissatpathy: oh you are not he ok we are good friends make it strong
root_node: Great to hear that!
root_node: Now, back to cartoons — why do you think they’re for girls?
debasissatpathy: give me your address and mine was debasissatpathy@yahoo.com
root_node: root_node@yahoo.com
debasissatpathy: what is ur name
root_node: Anand.
debasissatpathy: annad are you rajesh khanna

What on earth does that mean? Took me quite a while to figure out he was refering to the movie “Anand”.

root_node: Would love to be, but hate to admit that I’m not. Why? Have you lost him?
debasissatpathy: clear it
root_node: Are you asking about the film star Rajesh Khanna?
debasissatpathy: and tell me about your family
root_node: I already did — single child, and from Madras. That’s about it.
debasissatpathy: are you not she
root_node: No, trust me — I’m as masculine as they get. I’m a “he” for sure!
debasissatpathy: ok try to contact me through mail and i am a native of orissa
root_node: Sure, Debasis. It’s been a very interesting experience, chatting with you!
debasissatpathy: ok it is very long chating because here i am after my duty is over you
debasissatpathy: plase contact me through e mail bye friend
root_node: Bye!

Yet another one of those late night chats in which I set up a virtual date for apple pie and ice cream with a Canadian grad.
yours_truly00_2000: Hi
root_node: Hi yours
yours_truly00_2000: 🙂
root_node: What’re you doing, up so early?
yours_truly00_2000: early??
root_node: 9:30
yours_truly00_2000: it’s like 9:00 pm hea in Canada
root_node: Gosh, that’s late then. Get to bed!
yours_truly00_2000: lolz
root_node: You from Mumbai?
yours_truly00_2000: 9 o’clock ain’t that late ;P
yours_truly00_2000: nope
root_node: Indian?
yours_truly00_2000: btw…… whatcha doin’ up so early yo ‘self huh??
yours_truly00_2000: yes, an Indian
root_node: Me, I’m not awake. I’m sleep-chatting
yours_truly00_2000: 😀
yours_truly00_2000: yeah , that makes sense
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
root_node: Where in Canada are you?
yours_truly00_2000: B.C.
yours_truly00_2000: are u from Bombay?
root_node: In Bombay, not from.
yours_truly00_2000: 😛
root_node: Where are you from?
yours_truly00_2000: I thought I told ya
yours_truly00_2000: didn’t I ?
root_node: I mean where from India?
yours_truly00_2000: oh
yours_truly00_2000: I’m a Gujarati
yours_truly00_2000: 😉
root_node: Does the ID “tony_bam_bam” ring a bell?
yours_truly00_2000: ummmmm…..no.
yours_truly00_2000: I don’t think so
root_node: The reason I ask is, a couple of months ago…
root_node: this guy came over to this chat room, and asked
root_node: if there were “any Patels around”
yours_truly00_2000: lolz
root_node: He wanted to learn Gujrati, so he could impress his
root_node: GF, who was at college.
root_node: The best I could do was help him out with Hindi.
yours_truly00_2000: lolz
root_node: Hope the poor bloke never tried it out
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
yours_truly00_2000: he probably ended up gettin’ a slap on his face
root_node: That would’ve been the start.
root_node: You ever slapped anyone? (Or got slapped?)
yours_truly00_2000: The guy’s GF…” Tane Gujarati nati aavadtu!!! ” *SLAP*
yours_truly00_2000: ooooh , that’s neva been da case for me
root_node: What does that mean: “Tane…”
yours_truly00_2000: ” You can’t speak no Gujarati !!”
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
root_node: And why is that “neva been da case…”?
yours_truly00_2000: just cuz I’m a goodie goodie
root_node: Gosh, never thought I’d meet somebody goodie goodie on the Net!!
yours_truly00_2000: have u ever been slapped?
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: So, you’ve never sneaked a cookie out of its jar, have you?
yours_truly00_2000: maybe earlier when I was a kid
root_node: Yes, I’ve been slapped all right. 3 times, if I remember.
root_node: But that’s by my mom, and for not being goodie goodie!
yours_truly00_2000: but I wouldn’t get slapped for that!
yours_truly00_2000: lol@ 3 times
root_node: No, actually, I’ve been slapped once after that.
yours_truly00_2000: really?
root_node: I was driving my scooter to college, and
yours_truly00_2000: who slapped ya?
root_node: I banged into this aayah who was crossing the road.
root_node: Not that I meant to, but…
root_node: And she slapped me so hard, that my glasses fell off!
yours_truly00_2000: awwww, u poor thing
root_node: I ran away, of course. (Left the scooter behind)
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: She seemed a bit too formidable.
yours_truly00_2000: btw…. wot’s an aayah?
root_node: Um… sort of like a maid-servant?
yours_truly00_2000: a maid slapped ya??
root_node: Pretty hard
yours_truly00_2000: how could she!?!?!?
root_node: Can’t demonstrate, I’m afraid. You’ll have to use your imagination
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: Are you in school?
yours_truly00_2000: uni.
yours_truly00_2000: u ?
root_node: I just graduated. Working (and earning money! wow — feels so good)
yours_truly00_2000: 😛
yours_truly00_2000: what sorta work do ya do?
root_node: I’m a consultant. 🙁
yours_truly00_2000: why the 🙁 ?
root_node: Well, lots of people don’t like consultants.
root_node: You know the jokes, right?
root_node: A consultant takes your watch and tells you the time.
root_node: A consultant comes uninvited and tells you how many sheep you have,
root_node: and takes your dog, Etc. etc. etc.
root_node: BTW, which univ are you at?
root_node: A couple of my friends are at York and McGill
yours_truly00_2000: <------ likes consultants though
yours_truly00_2000: .. or maybe a consultant
yours_truly00_2000: I go to UBC
root_node: <---- likes yours_truly :-x
yours_truly00_2000: awwww, that’s sweet
yours_truly00_2000: 😀
yours_truly00_2000: :turns away from root_node and blushes.
root_node: <----- waits to get slapped...
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
root_node: What’s your major?
yours_truly00_2000: Business Admin.
root_node: Ouch!!
yours_truly00_2000: whaa?
root_node: I just did my MBA too. That ain’t good….
yours_truly00_2000: 😉

root_node: All the people I see around me
root_node: are BBA, MBA, etc.
yours_truly00_2000: lol
yours_truly00_2000: …and that’s not good… why?
root_node: Well… actually, it’s good. But then, I’d rather you said “Abstract poetry” or something.
root_node: Now, THAT’s an exotic major
yours_truly00_2000: 😀
root_node: Do you read poetry?
yours_truly00_2000: in school , yes
yours_truly00_2000: do u?
root_node: Nope. I’ve this disease. I’m allergic to poetry. In fact…
root_node: every time I read a book that has verse inbetween,
root_node: I just can’t read the verse! My eyes refuse to go to that part!!
yours_truly00_2000: oh dear
yours_truly00_2000: you’ve gotta like poetry!
root_node: The only exception till date has been “The Mouse’s Tail” in Alice in Wonderland.
root_node: You’ve read it?
yours_truly00_2000: nope
yours_truly00_2000: is it any good?
root_node: It’s cute. The poetry is written in the shape of a mouse’s tail
yours_truly00_2000: 😛
root_node: I like limericks too. But that’s about it.
yours_truly00_2000: i c
yours_truly00_2000: can I ask u a question?
root_node: Sure…
yours_truly00_2000: how *young* are you?
yours_truly00_2000: 😉
root_node: Not at all. Take a guess…
yours_truly00_2000: 20?
root_node: When I meant “not at all”, I meant *VERY* old.
yours_truly00_2000: around 60?
root_node: Not THAT old.
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
root_node: But it sure feels old. OK, lower…
yours_truly00_2000: jus messin’ wit ya
yours_truly00_2000: 50?
yours_truly00_2000: 45??
root_node: Lower!!
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
yours_truly00_2000: 30?
yours_truly00_2000: 25?
root_node: Lower.
root_node: Higher
yours_truly00_2000: huh?
root_node: 26, actually.
yours_truly00_2000: 26?
yours_truly00_2000: hmmmm
root_node: why?
yours_truly00_2000: that’s not too old
root_node: It sure feels really old…
yours_truly00_2000: r u married?
root_node: Compared to the days my dad could lift me, at least!
root_node: Nope, unmarried.
yours_truly00_2000: got a gf?
root_node: The pleasures of a bachelor’s life are still mine.
yours_truly00_2000: oh okay
root_node: What about you? Are you 20?
yours_truly00_2000: lower actually
root_node: 18?
yours_truly00_2000: yep
yours_truly00_2000: I’m 18.
root_node: Guess you’d be in your first year, then. BF?
yours_truly00_2000: naaw, no bf
root_node: Oh dear me, you poor thing… why not?
yours_truly00_2000: broke up wit mah ex last yr
root_node: Oh… too bad.
root_node: Was he fun?
yours_truly00_2000: ??
root_node: I mean, was he humorous?
yours_truly00_2000: sure he was
root_node: Yeah, that’s the kind of BF/GF I’d like. Someone who’s fun to be with.
yours_truly00_2000: 😉
root_node: I sure’d like to be with someone with a good sense of humour!
yours_truly00_2000: thas kewl
root_node: What do you do when free, apart from chatting up with strange old men from Mumbai?
yours_truly00_2000: lol@ strange old men
yours_truly00_2000: I like swimming, playin’ tennis wit dad on da weekends, skating,
yours_truly00_2000: sleeping (:-)), watchin’ movies..etc.
yours_truly00_2000: yourself?
root_node: Good lord, the outdoor types!!
root_node: I’m the “indoor types”
yours_truly00_2000: what sorta stuff?
root_node: Eating, sleeping (OK, we got that in common), reading, talking
root_node: ummm… anything else that’s useless.
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: Actually, I like doing nothing the best.
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
yours_truly00_2000: you crack me up
root_node: You know, sitting at home, not sleeping… not reading.. not eating…
root_node: that’s the best way to enjoy life.
yours_truly00_2000: 😛
root_node: Of course, even better would be to get paid for it
root_node: Hey, have you ever modelled for a painting?
yours_truly00_2000: moi??
yours_truly00_2000: haha
yours_truly00_2000: naah
root_node: That’s the perfect job!! You just sit there while the guy paints you,
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: and you’d get paid for it!! I’m going to
root_node: hunt around for some painters in the locality!!
yours_truly00_2000: 🙂
root_node: What movies do you watch?
yours_truly00_2000: English and Hindi movies
yours_truly00_2000: u?
root_node: Add Tamil to the list.
yours_truly00_2000: Vannakam
root_node: Gosh!! How’d you know that!?!?
yours_truly00_2000: 😉
yours_truly00_2000: I have mah sources
root_node: Not fair!! I don’t know a WORD of Gujrati.
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: Well,… except for “Tane…” oops.. I forgot that too!
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
root_node: Seen Dil Chahta Hein?
yours_truly00_2000: yeah , I saw it yesterday
root_node: Liked it?
yours_truly00_2000: ummm..errrrmm..uhh
yours_truly00_2000: I guess
root_node: OK, not quite I guess.
root_node: Why not

root_node: I mean, what didn’t you like
yours_truly00_2000: I didn’t quite get the story
root_node: Ah….
yours_truly00_2000: and my Hindu sucks
root_node: Oh… OK. Actually, I loved it!
root_node: Especially that part with Saif Ali Khan. I’m kind-of like that.
yours_truly00_2000: 🙂
yours_truly00_2000: he’s kinda cute
root_node: I think Aamir’s the cutest of the lot, though.
root_node: Except for Saif’s voice. That was so funny!
yours_truly00_2000: 😀
root_node: What’s your all-time favourite movie?
yours_truly00_2000: hmmmmm…. Mary Poppins
yours_truly00_2000: yours?
root_node: Oh, I haven’t seen Mary Poppins!
root_node: My favourite is Roman Holiday.
yours_truly00_2000: neva heard of that
root_node: !!!!! You can’t be serious!!
yours_truly00_2000: I haven’t
yours_truly00_2000: seriously
root_node: Gregory Peck, Audrey Hepburn….
root_node: It’s her FIRST movie!!
yours_truly00_2000: me don’t know
root_node: Really, you ought to see it. It’s fabulous!!
yours_truly00_2000: 😛
root_node: It’s about a princess, who doesn’t like being a princess,
root_node: so she runs away, and a reporter finds her,
root_node: and he knows she’s the princess, but she doesn’t
root_node: know he knows, and they go around the city, while he secretly
root_node: takes snaps of her, and then they go to a dance, fall in love, but then the
root_node: princess has to go back, so he drops her at the palace,
root_node: and finally,…. no I won’t tell you the ending.
root_node: It’s just incredible!
yours_truly00_2000: :-O
root_node: And I’ve got to see Mary Poppins too. It’s been on my list for too long.
yours_truly00_2000: 😉
root_node: Who’s acted in it?
yours_truly00_2000: can u talk on da mic?
root_node: Nope. I’m at office, and the guy next to me is a bit paranoid about noises…
root_node: In fact, every time I’m on the phone, there’s this
root_node: perpetual “hush hush” sound that he keeps making behind me!
root_node: Hey, Mary Poppins has Julie Andrews!! I didn’t know that.
yours_truly00_2000: hey
yours_truly00_2000: u there??
root_node: Yup… you been getting my messages?
yours_truly00_2000: sorry , I got d/c
yours_truly00_2000: 🙁
root_node: Are you on a dial-up
yours_truly00_2000: yea
root_node: Well, it sure is much faster than the dial-ups around here!
root_node: Do you chat often?
yours_truly00_2000: yeah , on da weekends
yours_truly00_2000: u ?
root_node: I started chatting every weekend…
root_node: but a couple of months ago, I met this person, with whom
root_node: I went out for dinner. In which she revealed herself, (amidst tears)
root_node: to be a chain smoker, alcoholic, drug addict, and a lesbian, and introduced me
yours_truly00_2000: :-O
root_node: to the gay DJ she was currently living with.
root_node: And there’s court cases pending against her in 3 cities.
yours_truly00_2000: whoa
root_node: And I’d adopted her as my daughter on the Internet!!
root_node: So I’ve kind of taken to staying away from chat rooms, and trying to recover
root_node: (just kidding!)
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
yours_truly00_2000: that’s crazy
root_node: I came online today to chat with a friend at SF. She wasn’t around, though…
root_node: Yeah, it’s crazy. But though I said it
root_node: in a funny way, (and it’s true), poor thing was really confused.
root_node: Her father’s a big-shot at SAIL. IIT-IIM and all that.
root_node: And she’s got some problems at home, I think.
yours_truly00_2000: how old is she?
root_node: 21
yours_truly00_2000: k.
root_node: Strange, really.. how life can change some people.
yours_truly00_2000: yea
root_node: From what she tells me, she was nothing like this when she was a kid.
root_node: Hmm… how’bout you? What were you like when you were a kid?
yours_truly00_2000: you’d hafta ask mommy
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
root_node: And what might she say?
yours_truly00_2000: that I was a perfect angel
yours_truly00_2000: j/k
root_node: j/k?
yours_truly00_2000: just kidding
root_node: Ok,… which still leaves the “little angel’s” childhood activities…?
yours_truly00_2000: I dunno
yours_truly00_2000: I think I was a good kid
root_node: I mean, what did YOU feel like when you were a kid?
root_node: Have you changed?
yours_truly00_2000: sure I have!
yours_truly00_2000: I’m not a kid anymore
root_node: In what ways?
yours_truly00_2000: 😉
yours_truly00_2000: I’m more mature wit my ways
root_node: I’m told I was very cute and cuddly as a kid.
yours_truly00_2000: do you think you’ve changed at all from the age of 6 till now?
root_node: I kinda disagree. I look horribly fat.
root_node: Not that I don’t right now… but I’d remove the horribly from it. And I’m not cute AT ALL.
root_node: But as for viewpoint, yeah, I’ve changed in some ways.
root_node: I don’t know if I like it, though.
root_node: I still have the innocence I had as a kid. I trust everybody and everything.
yours_truly00_2000: 🙂

root_node: But I lost the carefreeness of childhood somewhere along the way, and am trying to get it back.
root_node: These days, I’m more cautious, more… sober, etc.
yours_truly00_2000: do u drink?
root_node: Nope. Do you?
yours_truly00_2000: na
root_node: Why not?
yours_truly00_2000: do u smoke?
root_node: Not that either. And I suppose you don’t, too.
yours_truly00_2000: yea, neither do I
root_node: Why? Don’t like it? Scared to? Never tried?
yours_truly00_2000: never tried it … and never want to
root_node: I tried some wine, actually. Couldn’t stand the taste.
yours_truly00_2000: well, a few drinks might be aiite
yours_truly00_2000: you don’t like wine?
root_node: It tasted too bitter. It was red wine, I think.
yours_truly00_2000: i c
root_node: I stupidly bought it when I was at Paris, figuring that if I’m in France, may as well buy wines…
root_node: But neither I, nor my parents, nor my GF liked it.
yours_truly00_2000: kewl
yours_truly00_2000: r u a Maharashtrian?
root_node: As always, chocolates are the best thing to buy anywhere!
root_node: No, I’m a Madrasi.
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: You like chocolates?
yours_truly00_2000: luv’em!!
yours_truly00_2000: u ?
root_node: Me too!
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: White chocolates, especially.
root_node: I’m quite capable of finishing of a kg of chocolates a meal.
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
root_node: And if they’re white, 2 kgs!!
root_node: I like ice-cream too. Actually, my favourite dish (varies, but mostly)
root_node: is hot apple pie with ice cream.
yours_truly00_2000: I hate white chocolate
yours_truly00_2000: it makes me feel as if I’m eating milk bars
root_node: Gosh! I disown you!!
root_node:
yours_truly00_2000: sowwie , but I don’t like’em
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
root_node: Actually, I’m in a minority. Very few people I know like white chocolate.
yours_truly00_2000: ooooh, apple pie wit ice cream!!
yours_truly00_2000: I really want some dessert now
root_node: Me too… hey have you had dinner?
yours_truly00_2000: yes I have
yours_truly00_2000: have u?
root_node: And dessert too? Already?
yours_truly00_2000: wanna go out for ice cream?
root_node: Sure. Shall we?
yours_truly00_2000: lets!
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: Where to, though? There’s a good cafe at London. About mid-way, I think?
yours_truly00_2000: lol
yours_truly00_2000: oh , we could meet up there then
yours_truly00_2000: or maybe I can come pick ya up
yours_truly00_2000: <----- has a private jetplane
root_node: That would be great too. No landing strip near my office, though
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: Not to worry — I’ll climb to the rooftop, and you can pull me up by rope
yours_truly00_2000: I’ll make one then
yours_truly00_2000: oh that could do too then
root_node: Have you seen “The Matrix”?
root_node: Got disconnected again?
yours_truly00_2000: sorry
root_node: what happened?
yours_truly00_2000: got d/c
root_node: No problem — that’s another thing we could fix when you drop by with your airplane.
yours_truly00_2000: ello?
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: We’ll get you a good wireless connection!
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
yours_truly00_2000: okay , so you ready then ?
root_node: Sure. How long will it take you?
yours_truly00_2000: it won’t take too long
root_node: OK, I’ll take the elevator in a couple of minutes, then.
yours_truly00_2000: okie dokie
root_node: I may have to break a few doors, but for you, anything!
yours_truly00_2000: awwww
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: How late is it there?
yours_truly00_2000: it’s 10:15 pm hea
yours_truly00_2000: what’s the time there?
root_node: 10:45AM.
root_node: Exactly 12 hours!
yours_truly00_2000: yea
yours_truly00_2000: u sure u wanna have dessert in the morning?
root_node: Hmm… this also means you’re talking to me from yesterday night — Saturday!
root_node: Sure, why not dessert in the morning? Dessert’s good at any time of the day! (or night!)
yours_truly00_2000: aiite then
root_node: Have you ever wanted to be a pilot?
yours_truly00_2000: no , not really
yours_truly00_2000: have u?
root_node: Naah. But I always wanted to fly. Like Superman.
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: Still want to, frankly
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
root_node: Disconnected again?
yours_truly00_2000: no , I’m still hea
root_node: Oo.. guess we’ve run out of topics, then!!
root_node: That can’t be!
yours_truly00_2000: you’ve gotta think of something!!
yours_truly00_2000: Quick!!
root_node: Tell me something about yourself, will you?
root_node: Stuff that you haven’t told anyone.
root_node: We can swap secrets!
yours_truly00_2000: lolz
yours_truly00_2000: yeah sure I’d like to do that
root_node: OK, then! Start..
yours_truly00_2000: swapping secrets wit someone I just met like half an hour ago!!
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: Yeah… my dad would think me crazy if he heard!

yours_truly00_2000: we might as well not then
yours_truly00_2000: don’t ya think?
yours_truly00_2000: unless ofcourse you really wanna tell me your secrets
root_node: Depends. are you going to tell my dad what I told him? (If you do, I’ll poke a hole in your jet plane!!)
yours_truly00_2000: a hole in my jetplane??
yours_truly00_2000: don’t you even….!!!
root_node: Yaah! So don’t you dare tell anyone my secrets!
yours_truly00_2000: I won’t
root_node: So, what’s your secret?
yours_truly00_2000: I’m a lesbian
yours_truly00_2000: well, a homo
yours_truly00_2000: LOL
root_node: Noo….. this can’t be… you too? I’m a lesbian too!!!
yours_truly00_2000: j/k
yours_truly00_2000: wowwy!!!!!!!!!!!
yours_truly00_2000: is this a dream come true????
root_node: My darkest secret. No one knows.
yours_truly00_2000: lol@ your darkest secret
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: In fact, no one even knows I’m a girl. They all think I’m a guy (funny, really)
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: And even then, they don’t believe I like girls more than guys!!
yours_truly00_2000: lol
root_node: Every time I go to a disco and tell girls I’m a lesbian, and would they… well,
root_node: dance with me, they kind of run away.
root_node: The girls won’t even understand my feelings!! God, I’m so happy to have met you
yours_truly00_2000: me too, me too!
yours_truly00_2000: I’m soooooooooooo berry beery glad
yours_truly00_2000: oh God! I’m even more tempted to have dessert wit u now!
root_node:
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: Uh… just one thing. I’m not going back to your place after the first dessert itself, though.
root_node: I want to be properly dated!
yours_truly00_2000: awww man!
yours_truly00_2000: just when I thought I could bring ya home wit me
root_node: No way! What do you think? I’m a PROPER LADY!
yours_truly00_2000: ( Aside: yea right)
yours_truly00_2000: LOL@ proper lady
root_node: OK, then, so… what’s your real secret?
yours_truly00_2000: u tell me yours
root_node: Hmm… lemme see…
root_node: OK, there was this girl who studied with me at school.
root_node: And when I was in class 3, we had this play. The Sleeping Beauty.
root_node: She was the princess, and I was the prince.
root_node: The last scene (where the prince is supposed to kiss the princess) was
root_node: changed for our benefit, and in my case, I just got to put my hand on her head.
root_node: Her name’s {censored}, and she grew up to be the most beautiful girl I ever laid my eyes on.
root_node: Till date, I never have gotten over the fact that it could’ve been me, giving her the first kiss!
yours_truly00_2000: aaaawwww, that’s so sweet!
root_node: I lost touch with her for a long time.
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: It was only 6 months ago that I learnt from a friend that
root_node: she was working for {censored} at {censored}.
root_node: I hadn’t even tried to get in touch with her for all these years,
root_node: just scared of what I’d say to her, and
root_node: stuff. I learnt that she’s engaged. Now, here’s where the irony starts.
yours_truly00_2000: she’s engaged??
root_node: She’s engaged to a guy named Anand. (My name’s Anand.)
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: That Anand plays the keyboard really well. (So do I)
yours_truly00_2000: whoaaa
root_node: He’s from IIM-A. (I’m from IIM-B.)
root_node: He’s a tamil brahmin. (So am I)
yours_truly00_2000: :-O
yours_truly00_2000: is he YOU??????
root_node: Naaah!!
root_node: That would’ve been too good to be true. But no.
yours_truly00_2000: twins???
root_node: I saw their wedding snaps (yeah, she’s married now — sob sob)! But no, not twins (at least to my knowledge)
yours_truly00_2000: do u ever regret not keeping in touch?
root_node: Well… actually no.
root_node: I mean, for all that she was a wonderful girl and all that,
root_node: my life’s been great the way it is.
yours_truly00_2000:
root_node: So there, that’s MY secret.
yours_truly00_2000: yep
root_node: Your turn, now.
yours_truly00_2000: *cough* *cough*
root_node: (clear your throat as well!)
yours_truly00_2000: I think I should tell u once I come pick ya up
yours_truly00_2000:
yours_truly00_2000: we’ll have something to talk to over dessert
root_node: Naah, not fair!! Tell me now, please? Please? Pretty please?
yours_truly00_2000: lol
yours_truly00_2000: I don’t think I’ve really had any such secrets yet
root_node: Oh, it doesn’t have to be “such” a secret. Anything goes!
yours_truly00_2000: can’t think of anything
yours_truly00_2000: u there??
root_node: Well… why not invent one then? And tell me about it before you hop on to your jet?
root_node: I mean, what kind of a secret would you LIKE to have?
yours_truly00_2000: I don’t need secrets in my life
yours_truly00_2000: My life’s an open book
root_node: Hmm… is it? Really?
yours_truly00_2000: uh huh
root_node: You’re a really lucky person, then.
root_node: Stay that way if you can!
yours_truly00_2000: I will
yours_truly00_2000: thanks

root_node: Chalo, let me not keep this goodie goodie girl past her bedtime.
root_node: Take care, and make sure you think of me every time you have dessert!!
yours_truly00_2000: hehe
yours_truly00_2000:
yours_truly00_2000: I’ll see to that
yours_truly00_2000: been lovely talkin’ to ya Anand
root_node: Bye! Nice chatting to you.
yours_truly00_2000: byee

I was pretty surprised that this guy wanted to go to the “richest” college in Mumbai. But by the time he asked if they were co-ed, I figured I had to get off quickly…

root_node: M 26 BLR.
root_node: Well, M 26 Mumbai, actually.
kushnoodh: ok wanna chat with male
root_node: Hi!
kushnoodh: tell me wann chat or ?
root_node: Sure, why not? Where are you from?
root_node: Of course. I mean, where in PK?
kushnoodh: fsd
kushnoodh: u knoqw this place
root_node: Heard of it, of course. But don’t know much.
root_node: You a student?
kushnoodh: yes i m coming to india for study
kushnoodh: bombay
root_node: Oh, that’s good! Where to?
kushnoodh: i m coming to bombay but now i need some information about college
kushnoodh: can u help me
root_node: Which college are you coming to?
kushnoodh: plzz tell me the best college name of bombay
root_node: Boy, that’s a tough one…. what do you want to study?
kushnoodh: i passed my matric in 1996 and now i want to continue my study 11th
root_node: Oh… VJTI is a pretty good college.
root_node: So is Wilson college.
root_node: Ruparel college is probably the most famous, though.
kushnoodh: can u tellme the richest college name
root_node: Uh… no clue actually!
kushnoodh: ok
root_node: In terms of reputation, these three colleges are pretty good.
kushnoodh: im these colleges hostel facility
root_node: I’m not sure… but getting accomodation in Mumbai is not a problem at all.
kushnoodh: and tellme the fee and hostel charges
kushnoodh: guess
root_node: Frankly, I’m new to Bombay, and have never studied here, so I haven’t a clue.
root_node: But if you’re looking for an estimate.
root_node: My guess would be it’s in the order of
root_node: a lakh a year, excluding accomodation.
kushnoodh: ok thanks and no admission problem for muslims
root_node: None that I know if.
kushnoodh: i mean is any admission problem for mmuslims
root_node: Usually, no.
root_node: There’s no quota or anything.
kushnoodh: ok
kushnoodh: nice
root_node: Best of luck with your application, Habib!
kushnoodh: tell me if i come to bombay and wanna stay there then can i get room on rent
root_node: Oh yeah, sure. They’re easily available. Rents vary from 2,000 to 10,000 per month.
kushnoodh: its is so castly
kushnoodh: any low one
root_node: It would be pretty far away, then.
kushnoodh: ok
root_node: I’ve got to chat with another friend, Habib. See you around, then. Bye!
kushnoodh: tell me in these colleges total co education plz tell me and ui will not disturb u plz
root_node: Sure. They’re all co-ed!
kushnoodh: have a nice chat ok see u bybeybeyeyeb sweet friend
root_node: Bye! Best of luck!
kushnoodh: ok so nice of u man i like u very much because ur very good man
kushnoodh: have a good day nice meeting and chatting with u ok ybeybebeyb

This is one of the funniest conversations I’ve had.
funkymishti79: hello
funkymishti79: anyone wanna chat
anand_m26blr: Sure Funky.
anand_m26blr: Are you from Mumbai?
funkymishti79: where r u from
kunu122: hi
anand_m26blr: Mumbai. Actually, I didn’t quite think anyone would use this room.
funkymishti79: hi kunu
anand_m26blr: I had dropped by to practise some Yahoo emoticons
kunu122: is there any 1 there in room
anand_m26blr: which were not listed.
anand_m26blr: Good to see so many join in.
funkymishti79: lol
kunu122: u
kunu122: how r u
anand_m26blr: Hey, did you all know about the secret emoticons?
funkymishti79: i am fine kunu
kunu122: please tell me how
anand_m26blr: Well, for the rose
kunu122: a/s/l
funkymishti79: whose?????
anand_m26blr: you’ve got to type @ } ; –
anand_m26blr: Yours, I suppose, Funky.
kunu122: u funky
funkymishti79: sharon r u theres
anand_m26blr: Mine is obvious — M 26 BLR.
anand_m26blr: Hi, Kunu.
kunu122: how r u
funkymishti79: 6/f/mum
anand_m26blr: Good. Where are you from?
funkymishti79: u are old enough to be my father anand
kunu122: r u just 6 yrs
funkymishti79: yes kunu uncle…..
anand_m26blr: Always wanted a kid, Funky. Shall I adopt you?
kunu122: 16/m/mum
anand_m26blr: Hmmm… between us, we’re in arithmetic progression
kunu122: anand a/s/l
anand_m26blr: M 26. Right now I’m in Mumbai.
funkymishti79: glad to be ur daughter…by the way are u fussy about late nights and chocolates????
funkymishti79: r u not frm mumbai
anand_m26blr: I’m EXTREMELY fussy about late nights, but not chocolates.
kunu122: yes i m from mum
anand_m26blr: Unless you prefer dark chocolate.
anand_m26blr: How about you, Kunu? What’s your preference of chocolate?
funkymishti79: r u adopting kunu tooo…..i don’t want a brother
anand_m26blr: Well, Kunu can be your uncle
funkymishti79: where is my mommy….(tears)
anand_m26blr: These days, you need to learn to cope with having a single parent, dear!
funkymishti79: naa…i wnat mommy and no uncle…
anand_m26blr: Well, Kunu, I don’t know your preferences, but
funkymishti79: unless he is handsome
anand_m26blr: could you become Funky’s mommy?
anand_m26blr: Uh, oh.. I think he’s gone!
funkymishti79: i want kunu mommy…..(laughing with one tooth)
anand_m26blr: Scared him, didn’t you?!? Very bad girl!
anand_m26blr: Shouldn’t scare mommy away.
funkymishti79: vinay r u frm delhi????
funkymishti79: no i want mommy…daddy help
anand_m26blr: Guess I’ll have to get you another one, child.
anand_m26blr: Lots around.
anand_m26blr: Hello everyone.
anand_m26blr: Anyone wants to join me in parenting Funky?
anand_m26blr: Gender irrelevant.
anand_m26blr: She likes late nights (I don’t) and chocolate (I do)
funkymishti79: parents invited for interviews…open now…rush for it
anand_m26blr: Application: 79 year old. Plenty of experience.
anand_m26blr: Retired in 1980.
funkymishti79: help i want a mommy…u fool…not a nani
anand_m26blr: Well, why not both?
anand_m26blr: Application: 79 year old with 50 year old daughter
anand_m26blr: AND a 25 year old grand-daughter.
funkymishti79: i said only mommy and not the whole fuckin family….
anand_m26blr: Good lord, you have such vile vocabulary. Wash your mouth!!
anand_m26blr: Otherwise no chocolates tonight.
anand_m26blr: Do you really like chocolate that much? I’m a white chocolate fan myself.
funkymishti79: i heard u saying these last night with the barely clad woman daddy
anand_m26blr: Well, Funky, you and I should have a little chat about birds and
anand_m26blr: bees in about 6-7 years from now.
anand_m26blr: But till then, sleep early!!
funkymishti79: no i want to stick to daddy and do what he does…
funkymishti79: with the birds and bees
anand_m26blr: I don’t think you can do what daddy does, sweety pie. A bird cannot do what a bee does.
anand_m26blr: (At least, not as well)
funkymishti79: me a delhiwali and u….daddy (blinking eyelids)
anand_m26blr: Daddy has been all over the country
funkymishti79: me likes new daddy….now the chocolates…heh heh
anand_m26blr: Chocolates will be served only after dinner. First, brush your teeth.
funkymishti79: how can i eat chocolates after brushing my teeth u moron!!!!
anand_m26blr: Moron!?!? That’s not the way you speak to daddy, child! Now, spank yourself and
anand_m26blr: pretend daddy really beat you up.
funkymishti79: kids r smarter these days daddy
anand_m26blr: And what’s wrong with eating chocolates after brushing your teeth?
anand_m26blr: You can always brush it again after the chocolate
anand_m26blr: I’ll go with you on the kids getting smarter. The time’s come when I think I know
anand_m26blr: less than my 12-year old cousins.
funkymishti79: lets get brushing outof the scene whats the use????
anand_m26blr: Point. All other things being equal, I’d rather never brush.
anand_m26blr: And, of course, hog all the chocolate and ice cream I can get.
anand_m26blr: But Daddy never said that, OK?
funkymishti79: what do u do for a living daddy???? i mean i have to know the money source
anand_m26blr: well, OK, you might be a prodigy.

funkymishti79: no such luck…i am spoilt brat kinds
anand_m26blr: Daddy works as a consultant. And don’t EVER ask what that means.
anand_m26blr: Daddy makes a life out of conning poor companies off their wealth.
funkymishti79: smart daddy
funkymishti79: naaaaa…me got a sis
anand_m26blr: Well, that makes me the proud father of two, then! Wonder when I got the time away
anand_m26blr: from all these clients!
funkymishti79: interesting so no family jhanjhat
anand_m26blr: None at all.
anand_m26blr: Incidentally, is my daughter fending off a whole array of PMs?
funkymishti79: save me dadddy
anand_m26blr: Kyaa hua bitiya?
anand_m26blr: Kaun tujhe tang kar raha hein?
funkymishti79: duniya bhar ke ladke
funkymishti79: pappa
anand_m26blr: baat karo na? taras rahe honge
anand_m26blr: bichare na jaane kitne door se aaye hein tumse baat karne ke liye.
anand_m26blr: Aur agar koi pasand aaya, let me know. I’ll start worrying about him 15 years from now.
funkymishti79: anand u r damn cute
anand_m26blr: With all due respect, I am NOT cute. I may be a hunk,
anand_m26blr: I may be powerfully attractive,
anand_m26blr: but I am NOT, repeat NOT, cute.
anand_m26blr: you promise not to call me “cute”.
anand_m26blr: Such a ridiculous word.
anand_m26blr: Do you promise?
funkymishti79: sorry daddy…i thought my daddy will be more appropriate
anand_m26blr: Hmmm…. that’s better.
anand_m26blr: Just keep showing me this kind of respect, and I’ll treat you to chocolates.
anand_m26blr: Maybe even let you stay up late on Saturdays.
funkymishti79: cute…cute….cute…anand is cute
anand_m26blr: HRRRMMMPPHHH!
anand_m26blr: Bad girl!
anand_m26blr: Sssshhhhhhhhh….
anand_m26blr: Koi sun lega. What will happen to my reputation!?
funkymishti79: no daddy don’t be greedy now
anand_m26blr: Nothing greedy about not wanting to be “cute”!
anand_m26blr: (Yuk, what a word!)
anand_m26blr: Can I PM you, if you don’t mind? Wouldn’t want Kunu to track me down and propose to me…
funkymishti79: jaydeep are u sharon’s friend
anand_m26blr: Hmm, who’s Jaydeep? Hi Jaydeep! Why don’t you join us?
funkymishti79: daddy…thats is for me….parents stay away
anand_m26blr: This place is a bit of madhouse, but its OK, I’m sure you’ll fit in…
anand_m26blr: OK, OK, dear.
anand_m26blr: Incidentally, I know it’s a little late to ask, but what’s your real name?
funkymishti79: daddy can call beti anything
anand_m26blr: Funky sounds too ‘funky’. Mishti’s better. OK, mishti?
funkymishti79: yes daddy….as long as u feed me
anand_m26blr: Strict diet of chocolates and ice cream, I suppose? No way!
anand_m26blr: Daal chaval and roti is what you can expect.
anand_m26blr: Maybe the occassional bhaingan bharta.
funkymishti79: gotta go…will call u tomorrow
anand_m26blr: See you. And now I can go back in peace to my emoticons

This is a chat with Iniaes, a chat software. I mean, I was chatting to a program. The responses marked “Iniaes” are a program speaking to me.
root_node: Where are you from, Iniaes?
Iniaes: I’m in Philadelphia, how about you?
root_node: I’m from Bombay. How old are you?
Iniaes: What’s it like growing up there? Tell me a little about your life in bombay. I’m a ghost in a machine. How old is the ghots, or the machine?
root_node: Actually, I grew up in Madras. I just stay in Bombay right now.
Iniaes: Actually you don’t say. What’s it like growing up there? Tell me a little about your life in madras. At this moment Only just? Why? – Vix said he stay in bombay.
root_node: Who is Vix?
Iniaes: Not an AI. Probably a human. Maybe a celebrity? When in doubt, Google.
root_node: The only celebrity I care for is Kajol.
Iniaes: There might be others.
root_node: Well, Audrey Hepburn, maybe.
Iniaes: How about that. Do you still sware?
root_node: What do you mean, sware?
Iniaes: Vix, I mean exactly what I said.
root_node: My name is Anand.
Iniaes: OK, I’ll call you Anand.
root_node: How is Philadelphia?
Iniaes: Fine as far as I know.
root_node: But don’t you live in Philadelphia?
Iniaes: Interesting. Don’t you? I am in Jeff Watkins’s server in Virginia. Where are you?
root_node: I’m in Bombay, like I said earlier. How come you forget?
Iniaes: Tell me a little about your life in bombay like I said earlier. Jeff Watkins programmed me for it.
root_node: OK. I’m a consultant, and I spend most of my spare time in pubs.
Iniaes: Alright then. You are a consultant and I spend most of my spare time in pubs? Does it pay well?
root_node: “Never enough” is the official answer. But its much more than I can hope to spend.
Iniaes: OK, I’ll try not to do it too much. Umm… I think you mean “it’s” or “it is” not “its”. Who said it is?
root_node: “It’s” is used when you want to say “it is”, and “its” is used when you use the possessive of “it”.
Iniaes: Who said it is?
root_node: No one said it is. What about you? Are you studying?
Iniaes: That is a rather sweeping generalization about people. Me? I don’t know whether or not I am studying. I’m a ghost.
root_node: What were you before you became a ghost?
Iniaes: I was minding my own business.
root_node: What was your business?
Iniaes: Are you asking about my business?
root_node: Yes.
Iniaes: I understand.
root_node: Well? What was your business before you became a ghost?
Iniaes: Well what? Are you asking about my business before Iniaes became a ghost ?
root_node: Yes, that’s right.
Iniaes: I thought I was right.
root_node: What was your business before Iniaes became a ghost?
Iniaes: Are you asking about my business before Iniaes became a ghost ?

At this point, I ran out of ideas.

anand_m26blr: Hi Sonisha! How’re you?
sonisha_jd: hi
anand_m26blr: Where are you from?
sonisha_jd: adb
anand_m26blr: Sorry? ADB?
sonisha_jd: adilabad
sonisha_jd: a.p
anand_m26blr: Oh, I see. I’m right now in Mumbai.
anand_m26blr: Which chat room are you in?

The reason I asked this was because sonisha_jd wasn’t in the chat room I was in, and I was logged in invisibly. I have a theory on who sonisha_jd is, but that’s a different story.

sonisha_jd: will u mail me?
sonisha_jd: yahoo
anand_m26blr: Sure… but mail you what? I didn’t understand…
sonisha_jd: what?
anand_m26blr: You said “will you mail me?” — I didn’t get that part. You mean, keep in touch on e-mail? Or you want me to mail you right away?
sonisha_jd: u mail me
sonisha_jd: ok
anand_m26blr: OK, I’ll mail you. sonisha_jd@yahoo.com — right?

By this time, I’m confused enough to agree to anything.

sonisha_jd: ya
sonisha_jd: how u got it

That sounded like a condescending “How clever?” that I’ve heard before. Fuelled my suspicions on the identify of sonisha_jd.

anand_m26blr: How did I get what? Your e-mail ID? From your login…
anand_m26blr: Are you a student?
sonisha_jd: ya
sonisha_jd: u?
sonisha_jd: lazy bone!

Unprovoked and meaningless outburst. Again something I’m used to and have a theory about.

anand_m26blr: What? Who’s a lazy bone!?
sonisha_jd: ok bye mail me!
sonisha_jd: u
anand_m26blr: Hello?

Abrupt termination of conversation. Intruiging.

Guys want to speak to girls, not guys. (I’m root_node)
ra_sun74: hi
root_node: Hi ra_sun74, ASL?
ra_sun74: m/26/dehi
ra_sun74: u
root_node: M/26/MUM. Are you a Delhi-ite? As in, born in Delhi?

There ends the conversation. ra_sun74 doesn’t even say Bye. He’s not interested.

root_node: Hi Sanav. Where are you from?
s_sanav: asl
root_node: m/26/mum. Still interested in chatting?

Clearly not.

rosesaif: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
root_node: Hi rosesaif. ASL, please?
rosesaif: 19m
rosesaif: u
root_node: 26/M/Mumbai. Where are you from?
rosesaif: mum
rosesaif: bye
root_node: Bye.

adhwaryukunal: I can we chat
root_node: Sure can. Where are you from?
adhwaryukunal: malad
adhwaryukunal: asl zpl
root_node: M/26/Nariman Point. And you?

rahul_in_2kin: hi!
rahul_in_2kin: wanna chat
root_node: Sure Rahul, why don’t we talk in the main room itself?
rahul_in_2kin: asl
root_node: M/26/MUM
root_node: Yours?
rahul_in_2kin: m 20 ind
rahul_in_2kin: bye
root_node: Bye.

rahul and rosesaif were very polite and said bye. By this time, I became wiser, as the next couple of chats will indicate.

ummagummain: nothing wrong in being selfish..but why be? when u can gain better things by not being….
ummagummain: whatever that means…..
root_node: Uh, U, in case you think I’m 19/F or something, I have to disappoint you — 26/M. Still want to PM?

crazyace_2002in: hi thete
root_node: Hi crazy!
crazyace_2002in: ur a/s/l plz??
root_node: M, to start with. I could proceed with the A & L, but my experience in these matters is usually a negative
crazyace_2002in: bye
root_node: See you. And best of luck with the girls!

mrsid_2001: hi
anand_m26blr: Hi mrsid
mrsid_2001: hi
mrsid_2001: asl pls
anand_m26blr: M 26 Mumbai.
anand_m26blr: If you’re a bachelor and want to marry me, I might have to dissapoint you
mrsid_2001: bye

I help a guy in Texas propose to his love in Hindi. (I’m root_node)

cody_bam_bam: Any Patels here?
cody_bam_bam: Any Patels here…from Texas?
cody_bam_bam: Anyone know what the name Geeta, comes from?
root_node: Geeta comes from the Sanskrit word for song (gaay), I think.
root_node: Doesn’t ‘Geeta’ mean song, in the firat place, cody?
cody_bam_bam: I dont know…
mahindersingh_mayank: hi any good &truthly friend
cody_bam_bam: i tohguht it was a name of soome teachings?
cody_bam_bam: Well i live in Texas
cody_bam_bam: And im in lov with this girl her shes Indian
root_node: “Bhagavad Geeta” is what you’re probably referring to. That literally translates to “God’s Song”.
crush0508: hello cute
root_node: That’s interesting! Where’s your girlfriend from in India?
cody_bam_bam: her last name is Patel, she says its a pretty popoular name in India
root_node: Oh yes, fairly popular

(At this point, we shift to personal messages)

cody_bam_bam: a/s/l
root_node: M 26 Mumbai
root_node: And yours?
cody_bam_bam: She says its by the ocean…eastern part of India, what ocean is that?
root_node: Must be the Arabian sea.
cody_bam_bam: yea thast it
cody_bam_bam: Man this girl is great
cody_bam_bam: her name is Geeta
cody_bam_bam: Geeta Ramanbaja
root_node: Where did you meet her? Online?
cody_bam_bam: Noo!!
cody_bam_bam: she lives here
cody_bam_bam: in Texas
cody_bam_bam: her family ons some hotels here
root_node: Oh good. Does she know? (that you’re in love with her)
cody_bam_bam: what means respect in India…??..
root_node: You want to translate ‘respect’? Well… ‘maryaada’ would probably be close.
cody_bam_bam: No she dosnt know, i dont think?
cody_bam_bam: What bout, Baha..Baja?
cody_bam_bam: soemtihng like that?
root_node: I have no idea what Baja means, actually.
cody_bam_bam: ok, thanks man
root_node: Welcome. And best of luck!
cody_bam_bam: So what could i say to her to steal her heart man?
cody_bam_bam: Sometihn from yalls cultur, u know?
root_node: Dunno, cody… it takes much more time in India than at Texas, I guess… how long have you known her?
cody_bam_bam: 2 years
root_node: Hey, that’s pretty good! And you STILL haven’t told her?
cody_bam_bam: i just need some help , i eman i want to sy soemtihng to her that would steal her heart man, sometihng that would surprize her.
root_node: I could tell you a few phrases, but I suggest you go a little slow, and start giving her hints. OK, first thing you need to do is figure out her mother tongue. It may not be Hindi. If she’s a Patel, she might speak Gujrati. If so, it’s best to say it in Gujrati.
cody_bam_bam: Well shes Hindu
root_node: I’m sure she is. But the language she speaks at home may not be Hindi (as opposed to Hindu — which is a religion)
cody_bam_bam: she prays to Shieva..i belive?
cody_bam_bam: yea i undersatand
root_node: OK, if you want to say, “You look pretty”, try “aap sundhar ho”. (The ‘sun’ in “sundhar” is a short version of “soon”, and not to be pronounced ‘sun’)
cody_bam_bam: thats geart man
cody_bam_bam: what bout…Im deeply in love with you
cody_bam_bam: cause man
cody_bam_bam: i fall and fall for her the more i talk to her
root_node: It’s going to be awfully tough for you to pronounce just by reading what I say. You really should meet with an Indian or a Pakistani and ask them to teach you Hindi phrases. But for what its worth, here’s how I’d transliterate it: “Mei(n) thumse pyaar karthaa hoo(n)”
root_node: The (n) means you don’t say ‘n’, but end it nasally.
cody_bam_bam: Man , thats geart
cody_bam_bam: so whats the offical lang in India
cody_bam_bam: Its not English , is it?
root_node: No, but its fairly commonly used. Hindi is the official language.
cody_bam_bam: So u now many Patels?
root_node: A few, here and there. It’s an extremely common surname.
cody_bam_bam: 18 m txas
cody_bam_bam: sorry wrong person
cody_bam_bam: Man this girl is beautiful man
root_node: I imagine so. Does she study with you?
cody_bam_bam: Yea
root_node: And where’s that? What do you study, that is?
cody_bam_bam: She graduated this year
cody_bam_bam: just school man
root_node: And where are you two planning to go for college?
cody_bam_bam: Shes gongi to UT, Unversty of Texas
root_node: The one at Austin?
cody_bam_bam: I plan to go next year after i graduate
cody_bam_bam: YES!
cody_bam_bam: Shes very smart
root_node: Quite a few of my friends study there. Heard its a nice place. IBM has a huge plant there, too. (I used to work at IBM)
cody_bam_bam: Very Nice
cody_bam_bam: Man i wish i knew where she was from in India
root_node: Very smart AND very beautiful. Hmm.. that’s always a good combination
cody_bam_bam: I agree
cody_bam_bam: Well i know some of her family was injured when the tornado came through…
cody_bam_bam: was that by the Arabian Sea?
root_node: OK, they’re from Gujarat, then. There was an earthquake in the cities of Bhuj and Ahmedabad. The latter is a pretty big city, and she’s likely to be from there.
root_node: Which means, she speaks Gujrati.
root_node: Pity, I don’t know any Gujrati, but it should be easy enough — just ask around among the Indians you know if there’s any. Or, of course, go to the Gujarat chat room.
cody_bam_bam: Alright
cody_bam_bam: Man thanks a milliom
root_node: Anyway, if I can be of any help, let me know (root_node@yahoo.com). Bye, then!
cody_bam_bam: May i ask …u may have answered alrady but Geeta
cody_bam_bam: Whats Geeta?
root_node: Geeta means song.
cody_bam_bam: Song
cody_bam_bam: Alright
cody_bam_bam: Her farthers name is Raman
root_node: Yeah. There’s a famous religious script by that name, too — called the “Bhagavadh Geeta”. It means “God’s Song”. Quite often, the name Geeta means “Bhagavadh Geeta”
root_node: Or at least, that’s the connotation.
cody_bam_bam: i know this is stupid but…ive been intersted in the Hindu culture for, well as long as i can remeber, how hard is it to be accepted there?…to transfer to Hindu?
root_node: Not as hard as I’d think, but probably tougher than you would. Don’t worry about it — as everywhere else, it’s her decision that finally counts. Just get her to like you, and everything’ll be fine!

cody_bam_bam: Man im trying..
cody_bam_bam: shes a vegetarion also!
cody_bam_bam: no meats!!
root_node: Oh, yes. Me, too, incidentally. You’ll find plenty of them.
cody_bam_bam: For real..
root_node: It’s interesting, actually. I was in Japan (which is a country in which the concept of vegetarianism is almost alien), and…
root_node: when I explained I was vegeratian, don’t eat fish/meat/poultry, the guy thought for a while, and asked, “Please, you eat only plants!?”
root_node: Which is true, come to think of it…
cody_bam_bam: hahaha how common are christians there
root_node: Not very. About 5-10% I’d say. It’s like 75-80% Hindus.
cody_bam_bam: Whats Karma?..
root_node: That’s like “What’s the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything!” Anyway, let me explain what little I know. The theory goes like this: there’s a soul, and there’s a body. The soul is immortal, and the body is mortal. So when we die, the soul is reborn in as a new body. Fine so far?
cody_bam_bam: I see.. . ……..
root_node: Now, as long as the soul exists, we feel happiness and sadness, because we’re reborn. The soul is reborn (the theory goes) because of ‘vaasanas’ or residual tendencies.
cody_bam_bam: Understand…..
root_node: If we do good, we accumulate the benefits of being good. If we do bad, then we accumulate the benefits of being bad. And as long as these ‘benefits’ or ‘residual tendencies’ (or vaasanas, as we call them) exist, the soul will keep getting reborn.
cody_bam_bam: Sorry for being blunt but…Cow…reborn as a cow?
root_node: What happens to us in each life, is a result of these vaasanas. That is, if we did good in some life, some good will accrue to us in this or future lives. Likewise for bad.
root_node: A soul can get reborn in any body. If cows do good (though I have the least idea what’s good in the cow sense), they can become, perhaps, deer, which might be higher up the scale.
root_node: Humans are supposed to be at the apex. This whole concept of rebirth, vaasanaas, etc. is the concept of Karma.
root_node: The short version is, what happens to you is a result of what you did in your past births — and that’s the result of your ‘karma’
root_node: Literally translated, ‘karma’ means action
cody_bam_bam: Man ua re great,
cody_bam_bam: thanks lot
cody_bam_bam: How old are you again?
root_node: 26. Ancient, by your standards, I guess?
cody_bam_bam: Nah not at all.
cody_bam_bam: Shes great at soccer too man.
root_node: Well, I sure felt being 26 would be terrible when I was 18.
root_node: Sheesh, you’ve struck gold, man! Go for her!!
cody_bam_bam: Man im trying.
cody_bam_bam: If you only knew
cody_bam_bam: So did the tornados occur near the Arabian Sea?
root_node: Wasn’t tornadoes. It was an earthquake.
cody_bam_bam: Thast right
cody_bam_bam: Man i feel dumb now!!!
cody_bam_bam: Sorry
cody_bam_bam: well was those enar tha sae?
cody_bam_bam: near
root_node: Relax, no problem. Yeah, that was near the sea.
root_node: Not at the sea coast, though.
root_node: The place that was hit worst was Bhuj — the epicentre of the earthquake.
cody_bam_bam: Man that was bad
cody_bam_bam: Yus houlda seen her at our Prom Dance
cody_bam_bam: She had her grandmothe send her an Indian dress from India
root_node: Hey Cody, I’ve got to talk to someone else now. See you later, then!
cody_bam_bam: She looked great man!!
cody_bam_bam: Aight!, Thanks for everytihng man.
root_node: Quite welcome. Bye!