Calvin and Hobbes: 1986

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995

I've typed all the Calvin and Hobbes by hand. Browse quotes by year, or search.

ch860101: Dad, how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question, and get all your television privileges revoked.
Calvin comes into the living room asking Dad why he lives there with Mom instead of in an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates. Dad looks up with eyes wide open. Calvin trudges off grumbling about how you ask a simple question, and you get your television privileges revoked.

ch860102: Hobbes, have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldn't be so fuzzy ...
Calvin asks Hobbes if he's ever kissed a girl. Hobbes replies that he has kissed a few. Calvin asks what it was like. Hobbes grabs Calvin and plants a big kiss on him and says "only a lot more so". Calvin tries to clean his lips while he says he was hoping it wasn't so fuzzy.

ch860103: What do you find attractive in women, Hobbes? Well, I've always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Let's change the subject.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he finds attractive in women. Hobbes replies that he has always been partial to redheads...with green eyes...and long whiskers.

ch860104: Having transformed myself into a werewolf, I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin, stop that disgusting drooling!
Calvin, the werewolf, looks for a human sacrifice. He trudges past Dad, mouth hanging open, saying hi, and Dad replies back. Then, Dad yells for Calvin to stop drooling.

ch860105: I love winter days. They're so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey, you dummy! You'll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey, what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
Calvin smacks Susie in the back of the head with a snowball. Susie, enraged, rolls up a huge snowball. Calvin taunts Susie about the size of the snowball and her inability to throw it. Susie walks up to Calvin, picks him up, and deposits him in the snowball.

ch860106: All right class, who would like to give his book report first? Calvin, how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
Miss Wormwood asks the class who will be the first to do his book report. Calvin, sitting at his desk with a smile on his face, is chosen. Calvin just sits there as Miss Wormwood calls his name again. Then, Spaceman Spiff pulls his death ray blaster as the monster approaches him.

ch860107: 2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles. It's worth a shot.
Calvin sits at his desk looking at a math problem. He answers that he cannot answer that question as it is against his religious principles. Calvin figures it's worth a shot.

ch860108: Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill, and Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks happens when they die. After thinking about it, Hobbes replies they play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in heaven. Hobbes replies to call it what you like.

ch860109: We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We don't like girls? Of course not dummy! We're a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?! Who do we smooch then?
Calvin and Hobbes are in their treehouse, wearing paper hats and brandishing swords. They're a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep an eye out so no girls come on board. Calvin reiterates that they're a murderous bunch of pirates. Hobbes wants to know who they smooch.

ch860110: What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all, this way mom didn't have to pack me a lunch!
Calvin and Susie are walking to school. Calvin asks what Susie is bringing to show and tell. Susie replies she has a note she wrote to her Congressman. Calvin is bringing some dead bugs he got from his windowsills. As Susie leaves, Calvin says that this way, his Mom didn't even have to pack a lunch.

ch860111: We'll Hobbes, we did it again. We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately, our motto is "Be prepared." With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we don't get hungry.
Calvin and Hobbes are on a Cub Scout trip, but are hopelessly lost again. Calvin replies that he's always prepared. With his full backpack, they can stay out for weeks. As Hobbes grabs one of the dozens of comic books from the backpack, he comments that they can do that as long as they don't get hungry.

ch860112: I'm home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look, I don't want to sew Hobbes up again, so why don't you two go do something quiet? Okay, okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! That's because she wanted another tiger, not you!
Calvin is home from school. As he enters his bedroom, Hobbes attacks him. They tussle, and Mom is forced to yell for Calvin to quit crashing around. Calvin tries to explain that he was fighting for his very survival against Hobbes' attack. Mom is more concerned with having to sew Hobbes up again, so she asks Calvin to do something quiet upstairs. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom always takes his side. Hobbes taunts Calvin by sticking his tongue out and saying that Mom wanted another tiger, not him.

ch860113: Calvin, pass this note to Jessica. It's a secret note, so don't read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
In school, Susie hands Calvin a note and asks him to pass it to Jessica. She asks he not read it, because it's a secret note. Calvin takes the note, gets a mischievous look on his face, and reads the note. It calls Calvin a stinkhead and says she told him not to read it.

ch860114: That dirty Susie Derkins. She'll be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica, okay? Teacher! Susie's passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! "Dear Jessica, you know what I hate about Calvin? He's a squealer! Signed, Susie." I hope you know a good dentist, Susie ...
Calvin fumes from being humiliated and vows Susie will be sorry if she passes another note to him. Susie then does just that. She gives Calvin another secret note for Jessica. This time, Calvin yells to Miss Wormwood that Susie is passing notes and that she should read the note to the class. Miss Wormwood reads the note telling Jessica that Calvin is a squealer. Calvin murmurs a comment to Susie about hoping she knows a good dentist.

ch860115: Now look! You got us sent to the principal's office! Gosh! Do you think we'll get paddled?? They can't paddle me! I'm a girl!! What's that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
Susie and Calvin are on their way to the principal's office as Susie stops to wonder if they'll get paddled. She believes she won't because she's a girl. Calvin wonders why that makes a difference. Susie informs him that girls have more delicate heinies.

ch860116: Calvin, I don't want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? We'll be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! You're gonna answer to my parents if I can't get my masters degree!
Susie is complaining to Calvin about not wanting to get spanked. She's worried it will go on their academic transcripts. She sniffles. Then, she unleashes a threat to Calvin that he'll answer to her parents if Susie doesn't get a Master's degree.

ch860117: Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we were dead!! I hate this job.
The principal calls Susie and Calvin into his office. Susie yells that it's all Calvin's fault. Calvin yells that Susie's started it. Calvin wants to know if they're getting spanked. Susie promises to never pass notes again. They both cry and wish they were dead. The principal looks up and thinks that he hates his job.

ch860118: Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" ...
The principal tells Susie and Calvin he wants them to pay more attention in class. Susie agrees. The principal tells them to return to their class. Susie heads off. Calvin just stands in front of the principal's desk as he repeats himself about going back to class. Spiff sets his blaster on "medium well" as the Zorg draws near.

ch860119: It says here that "Religion is the opiate of the masses." ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a six-year-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him.

ch860120: ... and with that report, we ... click beeeoooop click rats.
Calvin points the remote control at the TV set, clicks it, and the TV goes off. Smiling, Calvin walks to the living room where Dad is sitting. Calvin points the remote control at Dad, clicks it, and says "rats" when nothing happens.

ch860121: Mom, can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not, Calvin. Don't be ridiculous. Why can't I? Because you'd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said don't do it. Okay, okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in?
Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in.

ch860122: What's this disgusting slimy blob? Try it. You'll love it. Oh yeah? Well what if I don't love it?!? Then it will build character. That's my dad. Always looking out for me.
Calvin asks Dad what this disgusting slimy blob on his plate is. Dad replies that he should try it. Calvin wants to know what if he does try it and doesn't like it. Dad replies that if that happens he will build character. As Calvin peeks over his dinner plate, he comments on how Dad is always looking out for him.

ch860123: Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up?? I'm coming. See? I told you it wouldn't work! Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants.

ch860124: Do you know where babies come from? Nope. Well, I wonder how one finds out! ... here, let me see the back of your shirt. You came from Taiwan.
Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows where babies come from. Hobbes says no. Calvin then wonders how a person would find out. Hobbes asks to see the back of Calvin's shirt. He then informs Calvin that he came from Taiwan.

ch860125: Hey Mom, when's lunch? Later Calvin. I'm busy. But I'm hungry now! I wanna eat! A map to the refrigerator. Hilarious.
Calvin comes in the door and yells a question about when lunch is to his Mom. She's busy in the kitchen. Calvin yells that he's hungry and wants to eat now. Calvin receives a map to the refrigerator.

ch860126: McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served." Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
Spaceman Spiff is going down. He fights to control his damaged spacecraft. Spiff careens through the alien canyon but ejects right before impact. Mom asks whether he's done running through the house or if he is going to fall down the steps again. Calvin thinks Spiff has regained consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.

ch860127: Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ...
Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks how Dad's day is going and comments on the pretty day. Calvin wonders if Dad will be bringing any presents home tonight. He just thought he'd ask. Then, Calvin tells Dad that he supposes he wonders why Calvin called. Calvin is standing on a ladder, wrench in hand, with water all over the floor.

ch860128: Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work "Dad" ...
Calvin informs Dad that his poll results took a dive. In particular, the "Overall Dad Performance" rating is especially low. The polls show Dad's drop started the day before. Dad yells that Calvin didn't get dessert the day before because he flooded the house. Calvin walks off, suggesting a new line of work for "Dad".

ch860129: The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His presence terrorizes the community. His tentacle grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the air. Mom looks down at Calvin on the floor and asks if he wants something.

ch860130: Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
Calvin sees Moe coming. Moe demands the ball, calling Calvin a twinky. Calvin gives Moe the ball and says you should never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.

ch860131: Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Calvin is in a swing as Moe comes up indicating Calvin took his favorite swing. Calvin agrees and asks Moe about that. Moe ponders that while Calvin tells us Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.

ch860201: Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand.
Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand.

ch860202: What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes "Plooie" and ... "My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end." Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of "Little Red Riding Hood". Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears.

ch860203: A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all.
Calvin is doing some math conversions dealing with bushels and pecks. He asks Hobbes what a peck is. Hobbes, of course, replies that it's a quick smooch. Calvin laments that he just doesn't math at all.

ch860204: Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is "The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High". Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.

ch860205: Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
As they gaze into the evening sky, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes their destinies are controlled by the stars. Hobbes believes they can do whatever they want with their lives. Calvin answers "Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it".

ch860206: Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready!
Standing behind a snow berm, Calvin asks whether Hobbes is ready. Hobbes replies no. Calvin continues to make snowballs and yells to Hobbes to hurry up. Hobbes, standing on a lever and fulcrum with a huge snowball at the end says he's now ready.

ch860207: I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay?
Sledding down the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes in life after death, reincarnation. As they go zinging through the trees, Hobbes covers his eyes and tells Calvin to just steer.

ch860208: Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
Mild-mannered Calvin dashes into the hall closet, where he transforms into Captain Napalm, protector of the American Way. Although Captain Napalm has superhuman powers, he cannot open the closet door and has to yell for Mom.

ch860209: Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat.

ch860210: Wake up Calvin. It's time for school. I'm not going to school anymore. You have to. It's the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesn't he have to go to school? He's a tiger. Get up. What's being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve.
Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve.

ch860211: Do you think it's better to live in stupefying security ... or take risks and live life on the edge? I think it's better to accept danger and live to the fullest! I take it by your silence that you agree ...
As Calvin and Hobbes pull the sled up the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether it's better to live in security or to take risks and live on the edge. As the sled is ready for the trip down the hill, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the sled. Calvin states that he believes it's best to accept danger and live to the fullest. As the sled goes down the hill, Calvin says that by Hobbes' silence, he must agree with Calvin. However, Hobbes isn't on the back of the sled after all.

ch860212: I'm making Susie Derkins a valentine. She's a cutie, all right. See, I made a big red heart. Now I'm putting lace around it. That's very sweet. I'm sure she'll like it. Susie, I hate you. Drop dead. Calvin.
Calvin sits at a desk at home making Susie Derkins a valentine. Hobbes comments on how cute Susie is. Calvin is putting lace around the heart-shaped valentine. Hobbes is sure Susie will like it. Calvin writes that he hates her, and that she should drop dead.

ch860213: I'd like to get a valentine bouquet for a girl I know. What a sweet little boy you are! Come see what we have. Is this all? Did you have something special in mind? Sort of. Do you have a dumpster out back I could root through?
Calvin goes to a florist to get a valentine bouquet. The worker comments on what a sweet little boy he is. Calvin doesn't see what he's looking for. When the worker asks if he had something special in mind, Calvin replies he was hoping for a dumpster he could root through.

ch860214: Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!
Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent.

ch860215: No text
Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin walks by dressed in his coat and hat. Puzzled, Mom goes upstairs and opens the bedroom door. There, she finds Calvin has opened the window letting snow into the room. Calvin is working on a snowman. Mom just covers her face.

ch860216: Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties.

ch860217: Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends?
Moe informs Calvin it will cost fifty cents to be his friend today. Calvin wonders what happens if he doesn't want to be Moe's friend today. Moe tells Calvin he'll be scraped off the wall with a spatula. Calvin wonders what's a little extortion among friends.

ch860218: I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ...
Calvin tells Hobbes he got the new record from Scrambled Debutante. He shows Hobbes the lyric sheet and tells Hobbes the songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and deliberate use of dangerous drugs. Hobbes is sure Mom will have conniptions if she sees the lyrics lying around. Calvin says he sure didn't buy the record for the music, as he throws the album into the trash can.

ch860219: Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
Calvin asks Mom if she will drive him to town. Mom wonders why she should drive him. She states that it's a perfect day and asks what he thinks feet are for. Calvin replies that feet are for working the gas pedal.

ch860220: Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he's not paying attention again. Spaceman Spiff is trapped. He dives for the air lock. Miss Wormwood grabs his shirt as he's hanging out the school window. She tells him, "Nice try, Calvin".

ch860221: I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
Calvin returns from school and tells Mom he's home. He asks Mom if she fed Hobbes today. Mom rolls her eyes and says it must have slipped her mind. Calvin tells her she should just douse him with steak sauce before he goes into his room.

ch860222: Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water?
In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water.

ch860223: Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide.

ch860224: I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
Calvin asks Hobbes for some homework assistance. He asks what a pronoun is. Hobbes states it's a noun that lost its amateur status. Calvin isn't so sure, but figures he might get a point for originality.

ch860225: Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio.
Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio.

ch860226: Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
Dad informs Calvin that he and Mom have decided Calvin should have an allowance. With that, he will learn the value of money. Calvin hunches over, rubs his hands together, and rants that he's rich, can buy off anyone, and that the world is his. As Calvin continues to rant about power, prestige, and being free, Dad yells to Mom that he blew it again.

ch860227: When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not.
Calvin says he wants to be a radical terrorist when he grows up, Mom just mumbles. Calvin then says he's going to inhale a can of pesticide, Mom just mumbles. Calvin says he's going to watch TV all night, Mom replies "That's what you think, Buster!" Calvin notes that you can never tell if they're listening or not.

ch860228: Here's a good movie! "Vampire Sorority Babes!" It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
Calvin notices a movie in the paper, "Vampire Sorority Babes". Hobbes points out that you need to be eighteen to enter. Calvin indicates that's no problem. The cashier at the theatre notes this is a new one as Calvin, with Hobbes on his head wearing a long coat, orders two....he means one ticket.

ch860301: I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too.
Calvin thinks it's time to have a new Dad. He asks when Dad's term runs out. Dad informs Calvin that he's been appointed for life. Calvin laments about a recall vote or an impeachment. Dad says there are no provisions for either one. Calvin asks if Dad wrote that constitution himself. Dad adds that Mom helped with it, also.

ch860302: Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
Calvin asks how many monsters there are under his bed. Only one replies. Calvin and Hobbes decide they outnumber the monster and can get him with a baseball bat. As they grab the bat, the voice under the bed tells the others to quit shoving. Calvin and Hobbes yell for Mom as the monster mutters thanks to Maurice, for ruining things.

ch860303: You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period - "Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism." Also known as gym class.
Moe threatens Calvin with tasting asphalt in fifth period. Calvin calls fifth period "Studies in Contemporary State-Sponsored Terrorism"...also known as gym class.

ch860304: I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
Mom hangs up the phone and says she can't find a baby-sitter anywhere. Dad suggests that since they will only be gone a couple hours, they can leave Calvin unsupervised. They both break out laughing. As both of them wipe tears of laughter away, they ask seriously, what they should do.

ch860305: Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have "Attach of the Coed Cannibals."
Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for "Attack of the Coed Cannibals".

ch860306: Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too.
Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also.

ch860307: Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
Calvin, with bat on shoulder, throws a baseball into the air. He takes a big swing at it and hits the ball. SMASH! Glass shatters. Calvin happily notes that it was only his first try.

ch860308: Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
Calvin is in the sandbox happily making a sand city. He declares it downtown Tokyo. He yells and stomps through the sand city. He declares it Godzilla.

ch860309: How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
Calvin wants a grenade launcher. He wonders when Christmas is. How about his birthday? Both too far away. He asks about his allowance, which he's already spent. He wonders if he has any stocks or war bonds he could sell. Mom yells that she's trying to work. Calvin asks if he can have some soap. Mom tells him to take all he wants. Calvin then sits at a table set up next to the family car which is marked, with soap on the windshield, "4 Sale Cheep".

ch860310: Boy, is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look, was this my idea?
Calvin is complaining that it's cold outside in the snow. Hobbes tells him he should get a good fur coat like he has. Calvin looks at Hobbes, then puts Hobbes over his shoulder. Calvin wonders if Hobbes ate cement for breakfast as Hobbes reminds Calvin that this wasn't his idea.

ch860311: Oh no, I lost my quarter! Where did you lose it? It's somewhere in this field. We'll never find it. You'll have to wait till the snow melts. Till the snow melts? It's 25 cents!!
Calvin drops a quarter into the snow. He tries to find it, but Hobbes tells him he'll have to wait until the snow melts. Calvin won't have any of that, so he gets hold of a hair dryer and goes to work on the snow.

ch860312: Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever ... then in a few minutes toast pops up! Wow. Where does the bread go? Beats me. Isn't that weird?
Calvin wants to show Hobbes something weird. He puts a slice of bread in the toaster and pushes the lever. The toast pops up. Hobbes wonders what happened to the bread. That's the weird thing Calvin wanted to show.

ch860313: Who are you today? Fine. I want the top of my head shaved, and the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes, ok? Ma'am? Give him the usual Pete. Well I guess this guy knows which side his bread is buttered on!
Calvin sits in the barber's chair for a haircut. Calvin orders the top shaved, the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes. Mom tells the barber to give Calvin the usual. Calvin comments the barber knows which side his bread is buttered on.

ch860314: There, how's that look? That's great. Perfect. Without question, this is the finest haircut I have ever received. Never criticize a guy with a razor ...
Finished, the barber gives Calvin a mirror and asks what he thinks. Calvin gushes about how great the haircut looks and is probably the best he's ever received. Calvin knows better than to criticize a guy with a razor.

ch860315: Too bad the world will be ending soon. Beg your pardon? Halley's comet. Comets are harbingers of doom. No they aren't. that's just superstition. Really?? Guess I'd better write that book report.
Calvin comments that it's too bad the world is ending soon. Hobbes asks for clarification. Calvin tells him comets are harbingers of doom, and that Halley's Comet spells the end. Hobbes informs him that is only a superstition. Calvin realizes he better write his book report.

ch860316: Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight.
Hobbes is eating as Calvin and he come down the hill in the wagon. Calvin offers a beverage, which then spills out of the can. Hobbes is asked if he wants dessert as items fly out of the wagon. Calvin tells him they'll be landing soon as they fly off the edge of the hill. Crashed below, Calvin declares that the seat belt light is off and thanks Hobbes for taking Flight 240, non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Hobbes reminds himself not to take the dinner flight next time.

ch860317: Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?!
Calvin comes to Dad looking for reassurance that he's loved. Dad tells him yes. Calvin wonders if that would be true if he did something bad, something really, really bad. Suspicious, Dad wants to know what Calvin has done.

ch860318: Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
Calvin informs Dad his poll results are high and that Dad's political stock could reach a record high with a little push. Dad tells Calvin to go help Mom with the dishes. Calvin laments the political suicide of Dad's decision.

ch860319: Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
Calvin sees Moe coming and comments that Moe isn't smart, but is streetwise. After Moe passes, Calvin clarifies that means Moe knows which street he lives on.

ch860320: Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
Calvin stops Dad from bringing his car into the garage. Calvin says Dad needs to give him a quarter before entering. Dad asks why he should pay to put his car into his garage. Calvin informs him that if he doesn't, the garage door will be brought down onto the car. Calvin, sitting on his bed, comments that Dad is a cheapskate.

ch860321: A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!!
Hobbes is hanging in a tree, lowering a rope. Calvin thanks him for helping put up the tire swing. Hobbes wonders where he got such a nice tire. Dad, standing in his garage, is next to his jacked-up car with one tire missing.

ch860322: What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs." Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em.
Hobbes asks Calvin what he's eating. Calvin tells him it's his new favorite "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". He offers Hobbes a taste, and Hobbes chokes on the sweetness. Calvin states they're a little bland until you scoop sugar on them.

ch860323: How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it?
Calvin and Hobbes are playing war. Calvin is the defender of liberty, Hobbes the godless Communist oppressor. They square off and shoot each other with suction darts. They see they each have a dart stuck in them. Calvin suggests that it's kind of a stupid game.

ch860324: Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put "Atlanta, Georgia" ...
Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers "Atlanta, Georgia".

ch860325: Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick??
Calvin offers to show Susie a magic trick. He asks for a quarter. Then, he says he'll disappear. Susie doesn't think it's very funny and starts pounding Calvin as he pleads that it was a trick.

ch860326: Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
Calvin finds a decoder ring in his cereal. He tells Hobbes they can now send each other messages in code. He chuckles that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them at all....not that they do anyway.

ch860327: Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
Mom pokes her head into Calvin's room and tells him to rise and shine. As Calvin grumbles, she says the early bird gets the worm. Calvin doesn't think that's much of an incentive.

ch860328: I've decided we should be "cooler" than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around.
Calvin decides he and Hobbes need to look "cooler". Calvin says cool people wear sunglasses, so he pulls out a couple pair. Hobbes wonders if it's cool to bump into things. Calvin tells him not to move, just to hang around.

ch860329: Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?
Calvin asks Dad if he will buy him a flamethrower. Dad tells Calvin not to be silly. Calvin fumes, then asks Dad if he'll buy it if Calvin doesn't use it in the house.

ch860330: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
Hobbes grabs Calvin's blanket so a parachute can be made. Calvin jumps out his window, planning to float gently to the ground. Instead, he plummets to the ground and crashes. Hobbes figures Mom will have a fit about the rose bushes.

ch860331: I told you I'm not sick! What's that? Will it hurt? It's a tongue depressor. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a stethoscope. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. Little kids have no sense of humor.
Calvin is in the doctor's office wondering what the doctor is doing. The doctor shows his tongue depressor, the stethoscope, and Calvin wonders if they will hurt him. Finally, the doctor pulls out an ear light. Calvin asks what that is, and the doctor tells him a cattle prod. Calvin keels over, while the doctor says little kids have no sense of humor.

ch860401: Hey Doc, why are you rubbing my arm with cotton? Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? You're not going to amputate, are you? Are you?? What's that? Is that a shot? Are you going to ... Aaughh! It went clear through my arm!! Ow ow ow ow!!! I'm dying! I hope you've paid your malpractice insurance, you quack!! Where's my mom??!
Calvin is in the doctor's office getting his arm swabbed. He asks if the doctor is going to put a leech on it, if he's being bled, or going to amputate. As Mom is reading a magazine, Calvin yells that the shot went through his arm. He yells that he's dying and hopes the doctor's malpractice insurance is paid up. Calvin calls him a quack and yells for his Mom, as she buries her face into the magazine.

ch860402: Safari Al hacks his way through the jungle! Suddenly, a giant gorilla rips through the foliage! Clean your room. What? You heard me. It's a jungle in here!
Calvin, as Safari Al, hacks through the jungle. A giant gorilla rips through the foliage and grabs Safari Al. The gorilla says "Clean your room". Calvin, in his room, looks at Mom who tells him again to clean his room because it's a jungle in there.

ch860403: Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand, sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch.
Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch.

ch860404: I don't think I'll go to school today. I think you will. I think I won't. Rats.
Calvin, lying in bed, tells Mom he doesn't think he'll go to school today. Mom replies that she does think he'll go. Calvin reiterates that he doesn't think he'll go. Calvin, standing at the bus stop, says "Rats".

ch860405: Good night, Hobbes. Good night. Do you believe in ghosts?
Calvin and Hobbes, lying in their sleeping bags in their tent, wish each other a good night. As we look at the tent in the moonlight, one of them asks if the other believes in ghosts. We then see both of them, wide-eyed and teeth clenched, with a baseball bat awaiting the daylight.

ch860406: What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken.
Calvin's lunch bag attacks him. After a titanic struggle, Calvin kills it with his thermos. He shows Susie that the lunch is bleeding jelly. Susie now realizes why the seat next to Calvin wasn't taken.

ch860407: Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful truth about this place!! Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
Calvin believes there is a boy in communist Russia who has only known censorship and oppression. He believes this boy may have heard of America, where you can live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Calvin would like to meet that little boy.....and tell him the awful truth. Dad tells him to be quiet and to eat his lima beans.

ch860408: Whenever I take my bath ... I always put my ducky in first. For companionship? To test for sharks.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when he gets ready to take his bath, he puts his ducky in first. Hobbes asks if that's for companionship. Calvin informs him that it's to test for sharks.

ch860409: My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! It's Dad's. I buried it here last week.
Calvin and Hobbes go treasure hunting. Calvin has an ancient map that says where to dig. Hobbes is surprised to find a wallet full of money right where the map said. Calvin admits that it's Dad's wallet that Calvin buried last week.

ch860410: Spaceman Spiff, bold interplanetary explorer, spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin, if you shoot that paper clip at me, I'll get your bottom hauled to the principal's office so fast you'll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed.
Spaceman Spiff spies a Zarg. He readies his blaster. Susie turns around and warns Calvin that if he shoots her with that paper clip, she'll have him hauled to the principal's office so fast he'll think he's in a time warp. Spiff is confounded by his jammed blaster.

ch860411: It looks like Hobbes burst a seam here. I'll get my sewing kit. It's just a little cut. I don't need an operation. This is unnecessary surgery! It's not surgery, you're just getting a couple of stiches! What's the big deal? Your mom never uses any anesthetic.
Mom notices Hobbes has a torn seam and gets the sewing kit to repair him. Hobbes says it's just a little cut, and that no surgery is required. Calvin tells Hobbes he's just getting a couple stitches and wonders what the big deal is. Hobbes informs him that Mom doesn't use any anesthetic.

ch860412: What a peculiar dream I had last night! I dreamed I was in a big fight with a ferocious weasel! What do you suppose it means? It means you're sleeping on the floor tonight, you nincompoop!
Hobbes sits up in bed and tells Calvin he had a peculiar dream. Hobbes explains he dreamed he was fighting a ferocious weasel and wonders what it means. Calvin rolls over from the covers, and we see he's all torn up. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes it means he will be sleeping on the floor tonight and calls him a nincompoop.

ch860413: Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "Remember"? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. "Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!"
Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with "I am el fugitivo".

ch860414: Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?
Calvin pleads to Dad that he wants to stay up late. After all, he can. Calvin says it's not fair. Dad acknowledges that life isn't fair. Calvin wants life to be unfair in his favor.

ch860415: The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
Spaceman Spiff is being chased by a scum being. He spots his hovering spaceship and heads for the ladder. As he climbs, the scum being is upon him, and he knows he's too late. Miss Wormwood has told Calvin three times that recess is over and to get inside.

ch860416: As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this?
Calvin, in a paper hat and standing in his treehouse, declares as dictator that he is the sole voice of government. He'll tolerate no dissent. He alone will decide the good. As he keeps proclaiming, Mom comes up and tells him it's time for bed. As she carries him to the house, he asks whether they can vote on it.

ch860417: If you could wish for anything, what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! You've got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything. Hobbes wants a big, sunny field to be in. Calvin incredulously says "A stupid field!?" He tells Hobbes to think big, about riches, power, anything. Hobbes just lies down and takes a nap. Calvin looks at him and says it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.

ch860418: Here fish! They must know that one.
Calvin stands on a pier with a bucket in his hand. He calls "Here fish!" and holds the bucket out. Nothing happens. Calvin figures they must know that one.

ch860419: Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead, Hobbes.
As Calvin sits on a rock with his fishing line in the water, a fish crawls up on the rock and bites Calvin in the butt. Hobbes comes by and asks if the fish are biting. Calvin tells him to drop dead.

ch860420: Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible, Calvin. I'll get you some cough medicine. It wasn't me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasn't me! I know, but that cough syrup tastes awful. So you're going to have me take it? Nothing doing, buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! He's the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! You're not fooling me one bit, you stinker.
Calvin has a cough, so Mom heads off to get cough medicine. Calvin tells he it was Hobbes coughing. Hobbes says it was not, but Calvin tells him the cough syrup tastes awful. Hobbes refuses to take the medicine. Mom comes into the room and gives it to Calvin as he loudly protests that Hobbes was coughing. Calvin gags on the medicine. He then tries to convince Hobbes it tastes real good and to try some. Hobbes isn't buying that story.

ch860421: I can't get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Don't they?
Calvin, trying to build a model airplane, can't get it to look right. He complains the directions are impossible. In a fit of anger, he smashes the model with a hammer. He then declares the airplane a victim of antiaircraft fire. Hobbes notes Calvin's planes do seem to run into those.

ch860422: Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
Calvin tells Hobbes that Tommy told a funny story at school. Hobbes wants to hear it. Hands on hips, Calvin admits the story itself wasn't very funny, but the way Tommy told it was. Tommy was drinking milk and when he laughed, it went up his nose.

ch860423: You've got two periods to live, Twinky. Then it's gym class, and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
Moe tells Calvin he has two periods to live. He warns him that in gym class, Calvin will be turned into hamburger casserole. As Calvin walks off, he says he hates gym class. The coach thinks violence is aerobic.

ch860424: Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen ... it's just not anywhere! Oh, here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
Calvin yells "Where's my jacket?". He says he's looked everywhere. He's looked under the bed, over the chair, the stairs, the floor, the kitchen. Then he finds it and complains about who put it in the closet.

ch860425: Hocus-pocus, Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework, be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
Calvin waves his hands and says "Hocus-Pocus. Abracadabra!" He commands his homework to do itself. He opens his textbooks, sees the homework isn't done, and says "Rats".

ch860426: Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass on the hill. Calvin asks if Hobbes ever thinks about the end of the world as they know it. Hobbes asks if he means nuclear war. Calvin clarifies he was referring to Mom catching him letting the air out of the car tires.

ch860427: I'm taking the umbrella outside. Well, that's showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Let's go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! I'm flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Let's get some other kids and charge 'em!
Hobbes is sitting in the wagon at the top of the hill. Calvin is standing in skates with an umbrella in his hand. He asks if Calvin thinks this will work. Calvin is sure. Down the hill they go, racing around trees, crashing over bumps, until finally they fly off the end of the pier into the lake. Calvin yells that he's flying. In the water, Hobbes asks how it was. Calvin thinks it is great, and that they should get some other kids and charge them for the ride.

ch860428: Fearless Spaceman Spiff closes in on the fleeing Zargons! Once again our hero is about to teach vicious alien scum that virtue is it's own reward! He locks onto target! Psst, Calvin! What was the capital of Poland until 1600! Krakow. Thanks. Krakow! Krakow! Two direct hits!
Spaceman Spiff, in his spacecraft, closes in on the Zargons. He's going to teach that alien scum that virtue is its own reward. Susie asks Calvin what the capital of Poland until 1600 was. He replies "Krakow". Susie thanks him as Calvin keeps shooting at the Zargons...krakow, krakow, two direct hits.

ch860429: The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley ... the terrifying lizard is three stories tall, and his mouth is filled with six-inch chisels of death! With a few mighty steps, the dinosaur is upon a tribe of fleeing cavemen. He devours them one by one! Araragh! Aaieee! Aaughh! Calvin, eat your popcorn quietly!
The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the valley. He's three stories call with six-inch teeth. He comes upon a tribe of cavemen trying to flee. He devours them one by one. Calvin is roaring as he drops popcorn into his mouth. Mom yells at him to eat quietly.

ch860430: What does this word mean? Which one? That long one. I don't know. You do too!! All right! Where's a dictionary??
Calvin asks Hobbes what a word in his book means. Hobbes looks at the word and turns frizzy with his eyes opening wide. He tells Calvin he doesn't know. Calvin yells that he does, too, know. He wants to find a dictionary.

ch860501: Can I watch the movie "Killer Prom Queen" on tv? No. Do I have to eat this slimy asparagus? Yes. Can I stay up till midnight? No. There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
Calvin asks to watch the "Killer Prom Queen" on TV. Mom says no. Calvin asks if he has to eat the slimy asparagus. Mom says yes. Calvin asks if he can stay up until midnight. Mom says no. Calvin decides there is an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.

ch860502: Let's see what happens if you cook popcorn without a lid. Pow. Kapwing. Bang. Pow. Boing. Zang. Heck. That's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave! Let's do some more!
Calvin wants to see what happens when popcorn is popped without a lid. First one, then several kernels go flying out of the pan. Calvin thinks that's more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave.

ch860503: C'mon Calvin. We're going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No, just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you can't win by reason, go for volume.
Mom tells Calvin they're going to the store. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes, but Mom tells him to leave Hobbes at home. Calvin yells that he wants Hobbes to come with them. We see Calvin carrying Hobbes out the door saying if you can't win with reason, go for volume.

ch860504: Honey, we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While I'm taking my bath, you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad won't mind if I use his cologne, will he? Well, go easy this time. Think I should shave? No, go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Here's a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of "GQ"! boy, I look good in anything, don't I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
Everyone is going out to dinner. Calvin is taking a bath, while Hobbes uses Dad's cologne, wears a tie and sport coat, looking like something out of "GQ". As they're sitting at the restaurant, with Hobbes in a chair of his own, Dad is wondering how he got talked into this. Calvin is asking the waitress for the wine list.

ch860505: So the contractor says it will cost about $200 to fix. Oh that dumb kid! Well. It's all part of raising a child, right? Mm. You're not sorry we had Calvin are you? Are you? I asked first besides, it wasn't all my decision. All I know is that I offered to buy us a Dachshund. But no, you said.
Mom and Dad are talking about the $200 contractor bill. Mom offers that it's all part of raising a child. She then asks Dad if he's sorry they had Calvin. He asks her the same thing. Mom won't answer since she asked first. She suggests it wasn't all her decision. Dad counters with his remembering his original offer to buy a dachshund, but she didn't want that.

ch860506: Do you think there's a god? Well, somebody's out to get me.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying on their backs on the hill. Hobbes asks if Calvin believes there is a God. Calvin thinks about it, and decides that somebody's out to get him.

ch860507: Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alient vessel! The alien being unnaturally stupid, is blissfully ignorant of it's imminent doom! Our hero locks onto target and warms up his frap-ray blaster! Miss Wormwood!! Zounds! A Gorkon death station appears! Evasive action!
Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alien vehicle. The alien is unaware of its imminent doom. Spiff readies his frap-ray blaster. Calvin has a book in his hand, standing on his desk, ready to smack Susie on the head. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin calls for evasive action from the Gorkon death station.

ch860508: Whack! Wow! Another hole in one!
Calvin lines up his tee shot. He hits the ball. He goes to see the result and notes that he got another hole-in-one. The shot has been made easier by the shovel sitting next to the enlarged hole.

ch860509: Wow! Three new magazines for me today. Yesterday I got five. I love getting all this mail. How come you receive all these magazines? I went to the library and filled out all the subscription cards that said "Bill me later."
Calvin pulls three new magazines out of the mailbox. He tells Hobbes that he got five more the day before. Calvin loves getting all this mail. Hobbes asks why he's getting all these magazines. Calvin explains that he went to the library and filled out all the cards that said "Bill Me Later".

ch860510: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about ... idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting in the chair, eating cereal, watching cartoons. Calvin comments on the classic humor and that these cartoons are what entertainment is all about. Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils.

ch860511: Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I don't want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? I'm not gonna spear any worms. I know ... let's just dump the worms in the water, and when the fish come up to eat them, we'll catch them in the net! Pretty smart, huh? That's what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh, they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Let's pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah, who'd want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Hobbes doesn't want to put his worm on the hook. Neither does Calvin. Calvin decides to dump the worms into the water and net the fish when they come up for the worms. No fish comes, as the worms get soggy and sink. Calvin says they should go get some fast food hamburgers, which come in neat little boxes. Hobbes wonders who would want something that ate worms, anyway.

ch860512: Calvin, the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
Calvin, the human insect, walks across the table. With his insect strength, he places a pea on the end of a spoon. He climbs atop the other end. Calvin launches the pea off his spoon as Dad yells at him to stop that.

ch860513: In his minuscule size it takes Calvin, the human insect, ten minutes to walk across a book's page! At the other end, he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then it's another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee, the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. He's doing his homework.
Calvin, still a human insect, takes ten minutes to walk across the book's page. He slowly lifts the gigantic page. He then has a ten minute walk back across the turned page. Dad comments Calvin has been quiet for twenty minutes. Mom reminds him Calvin is doing his homework.

ch860514: Here's a movie we should watch. Who's in it? It says "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." Doesn't that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
Calvin sees a movie he wants to watch. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin replies the listing says "Japanese cast". He reads the description of two rubbery monsters slugging it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Calvin thinks that sounds great, while Hobbes ponders that people say foreign film is inaccessible.

ch860515: Oh, Rosalyn, you're here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. We've had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes, let me get my purse ...
Rosalyn, the baby sitter, comes to the door. Mom thanks her for coming on such short notice. She mentions they've had a difficult time finding a sitter. Mom has the notion Calvin has gotten a reputation. Rosalyn asks for half her money up front as Mom goes for her purse.

ch860516: Hi, Baby Doll. It's me. Yeah. I'm baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. That's right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasn't been any trouble you just have to show these kids who's the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 o'clock and it's almost 6:30 now.
Rosalyn is lying on the sofa, talking to her boyfriend on the phone. She tells him she's baby sitting Calvin. The boyfriend wonders if she's having any problems. Rosalyn says no. She says you have to show kids who's boss. Calvin and Hobbes are in the garage. Calvin asks Hobbes how much longer it will be till Rosalyn lets them out. Hobbes says she told them 8:00, and it's almost 6:30 now.

ch860517: Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. That's good. I'll get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
Mom thanks Rosalyn for baby-sitting. Rosalyn says Calvin was no trouble. Dad offers to drive Rosalyn home. They say their good nights. As Dad drives home, Calvin pops out of the back seat asking if she's gone.

ch860518: We've got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! We're going! Be good, ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. You're not my mom. So I don't have to do anything you say. I'm going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin, take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldn't want me to have to call any of those numbers, would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess I'll turn in. for eight bucks a night, I don't put up with much.
The baby sitter arrives as Mom and Dad are going out. Calvin declares that she isn't his Mom, so he doesn't have to pay attention to her. Calvin will do whatever he wants to, so he tells her to stay out of the way. The baby sitter shows Calvin a list of emergency phone numbers that was left. She warns him about him not wanting her to call any of those numbers. Calvin says it's 6:30, so he'll turn in. The baby sitter says for eight bucks a night, she doesn't put up with much.

ch860519: What a great night to camp out! Where's our tent? I thought the scoutmaster said to set them up. Uh oh. When he said to pitch the tent, I threw it away.
Calvin and Hobbes are roasting marshmallows under the moonlight. Hobbes asks where their tent is, since the scoutmaster told them to set the tents up. Calvin replies that when he was told to pitch the tent, he threw it away.

ch860520: The best part about these hikes is getting to see so much wildlife. Look! A tiger! A tiger?! Don't do that!
Calvin and Hobbes are hiking along, and Calvin comments on how the best part of the hikes is seeing all the wildlife. Suddenly, he yells, "Look! A tiger!" Hobbes' eyes bulge out as he looks over his shoulder in terror. Since there was no tiger, Calvin smiles and turns around to walk away. Hobbes tells Calvin not to do that.

ch860521: We're separated from the troop and hopelessly lost! Left alone in the uncompromising wild to survive by our wits unaided! Hey, dummy! The scoutmaster says to grab your stupid stuffed tiger and get your rear in gear! We'll try to lose 'em again over the next hill.
Calvin claims they are hopelessly lost and separated from the troop. They're left in the wild to survive by their wits unaided. One of the other scouts comes over, tells Calvin the scoutmaster wants him to pick up his stuffed tiger and get his rear in gear. As they hike along, Calvin whispers to Hobbes that they'll try to lose them again over the next hill.

ch860522: Grab the hotdogs and come on! The troops cooking dinner over the fire. Oh that's just great. Here we've been lugging this dumb microwave around for nothing.
Hobbes pokes his head into the tent and tells Calvin to grab the hot dogs. The troop's cooking dinner over the fire. Calvin walks back to the tent and complains that he's been carrying around a microwave for nothing.

ch860523: Bop. Spike! Uh oh. We'd better leave. It looks like some big people want to play tennis.
Calvin serves the volleyball. Hobbes jumps up and spikes it down. Calvin grabs the volleyball and says they should leave. They are standing next to a tennis net, and someone is coming to use the court.

ch860524: The crocodile floats to the top of the murky Amazon. Completely motionless he appears to be only a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches and ensures its instant death! Calvin what are you doing? Are you all right? Closer ... closer ...
The crocodile floats on the water. It appears to be a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches. Calvin is floating toward Dad as he stands in the pool. Closer...closer.

ch860525: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Mom, can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
Calvin asks Mom if he can have a cigarette. She gives him one of grandfather's that were left there. She tells him to smoke it outside. Calvin thinks Mom is pretty cool sometimes. He lights it up, takes a puff, and starts hacking. Hobbes thinks smoking would be an easy habit to break. Mom comes out and asks if Calvin learned a lesson today. Calvin says yes, that trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.

ch860526: Mom! Mom! A big dog knocked me down and he stole Hobbes! I tried to catch him but I couldn't. And now I've lost my best friend! Well Calvin. If you wouldn't drag that tiger everywhere things like this wouldn't happen. There's no problem so awful that you can't add some more guilt to it and make it worse!
Calvin runs into the house and yells to Mom that a big dog knocked him down and stole Hobbes. He holds her leg while saying he tried to catch him but couldn't. He's lost his best friend. Mom tells him that if he didn't carry Hobbes around everywhere, things like that wouldn't happen. Calvin says there isn't any problem you can't add guilt to and make it worse.

ch860527: I can't sleep at all. Poor Hobbes! I wonder where he is. I hope he's ok. Sniff. What did I ever do to deserve this? Whatever it was, I'm sorry already!
Calvin looks out his bedroom window at night. He can't sleep worrying about Hobbes. He sniffles and wonders what he's done to deserve this. He sticks his head out the window and yells whatever it was, he's sorry already.

ch860528: Lost: My tiger, "Hobbes". Maybe you should describe him. On the quiet side, somewhat peculiar. A good companion in a weird sort of way. I mean what does he look like? Oh.
Calvin writes out a flyer saying Hobbes is lost. Mom suggests he describe Hobbes. Calvin writes that he's quiet, somewhat peculiar, a good companion in a weird way. Mom tells him that she meant to write what he looks like.

ch860529: Well look. Somebody left a stuffed tiger out in the field how strange. Looks like a dog's been chewing on you fella. Well, nothing a little tea party with some other stuffed animals wouldn't help. C'mon.
Susie Derkins is walking along and comes upon Hobbes lying in the grass. She notices it looks like a dog has been chewing on him. She picks him up, figuring a tea party with other stuffed animals might not hurt.

ch860530: Hobbes! Hobbes! Where are you?? Hello Calvin. Would you like to join my tea party? Heck no. I'm trying to find my best friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Leave me alone. Well I think Mr. Calvin is very rude, don't you Mr. Tiger? Yes. I think so too. More tea anyone?
Calvin is walking along a wall yelling for Hobbes. Susie asks if Calvin would like to join her tea party. Calvin angrily declines, saying he's looking for his friend who's been kidnapped by a dog. Susie sits at her tea set talking to Mr. Tiger (Hobbes) about how rude Mr. Calvin is.

ch860531: Hey, I should tell Susie to keep her eyes open for Hobbes. Susie I ... Hobbes! You found Hobbes! Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Well! Wasn't Mr. Calvin a gentleman! I do hope hey! Who took all the cookies?!?
Calvin decides to ask Susie to keep an eye open for Hobbes. When he goes back to tell her, he sees Hobbes at the tea set. Calvin kisses Susie's hand and thanks her profusely for finding Hobbes. Susie talks to her rabbit about what a gentleman Mr. Calvin is, but notices all the cookies are gone.

ch860601: What's that smell? Either mom's cooking dinner, or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy, does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is I'm not eating it. I'm stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? They'll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? We're having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? I've never had monkey heads before! I wonder what they're like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look, is that a nose? What's this? Brains? I didn't think they'd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is I'm not eating it!
Calvin complains about the smell of dinner cooking. Mom tells him she's stewing some monkey heads, and they'll be soggy enough to eat in twenty minutes. Calvin ponders whether or not they're really monkey heads. He decides to try them. At the dinner table, Calvin is overjoyed to be eating. He wonders if he has some brains or nose on his plate. He didn't think they'd be so rubbery. Dad thought these were stuffed peppers. He refuses to eat dinner as Mom covers her face with her hand.

ch860602: Susie, wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. He's trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so we'll be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Don't worry.
Calvin asks Susie if she wants to know a secret. Calvin tells her he thinks the principal is a space alien spy. He goes on to say the spy is corrupting their minds so they'll be unable to resist when his people invade earth. He asks Susie not to tell anyone. She reassures him not to worry.

ch860603: Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. What's that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
Calvin asks Hobbes what he should do when Moe comes to beat him up in gym class. Hobbes offers the thing tigers do when a rhino charges, climbing up the nearest tree. Calvin laments that advice. Hobbes muses that it doesn't impress the girls, but it's better than impressing them and getting killed.

ch860604: Hobbes, I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies won't let me use the oven?
Calvin wants Hobbes to help him with Moe at school. Calvin wants Hobbes to eat Moe. Hobbes is shocked. Calvin explains that tigers eat people all the time. Hobbes questions if the cafeteria ladies will let him use the oven.

ch860605: It's too early to be in bed. It's hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? It's ridiculous. I'm not even tired! I don't need to be in bed! This is an outrage! It's the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I can't sleep at all. Can you sleep, Hobbes? No!
Calvin is complaining about it being too early to be in bed. Hobbes is lying next to him. Calvin goes on to say he isn't even tired, it's the stupidest thing he can imagine, and that Mom and Dad are trying to get rid of him. He says he can't sleep and asks Hobbes if he can. Hobbes angrily turns around and tells Calvin "NO!"

ch860606: Ok, Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? You've got it made! No responsibilities, no cares, no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didn't you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. She's in one of her moods.
Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes have formed a lobby and want more privileges. Mom wonders what he's referring to, as he has it made. He has no responsibilities, no cares, no worries. What else could he want? As they walk away, Hobbes asks why he didn't ask about the credit cards in their names. Calvin dismisses it by saying Mom was in one of her moods.

ch860607: I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon, and I'm incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
Calvin happily hops out of bed saying he loves Saturdays. He gets up at six, has three bowls of crunchy sugar bombs, watches television till noon, and is incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Calvin proudly says he has no brothers or sisters so far.

ch860608: No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered, scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although it's not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire, out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel, our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man, this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
Spaceman Spiff is in his spacecraft. He fires his hyper-jets and blasts into the fifth dimension. Into a world beyond human comprehension, where time has no meaning. Calvin sits at his desk in class thinking this class lasts forever.

ch860609: In the commercials, this cola greatly increases one's sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
Calvin, with a cola bottle in hand, tells Hobbes the commercials say drinking that cola increases one's sex appeal. He proceeds to gulp down the cola. Calvin launches a huge burp which has Hobbes wide-eyed and jumping in the air. Hobbes thinks that might be a little license on Madison Avenue's part. Calvin, meanwhile, says it went right up his nose.

ch860610: It's an outrage that six-year-olds can't vote! Here I am, a US citizen, with no voice in our representative government! You're concerned about the direction the country is headed? No, I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
Calvin wants the right to vote. He feels he has no representation. Hobbes asks if he's concerned with the direction the country is taking. Calvin says he just wants a bigger piece of the pie.

ch860611: Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside out!
Calvin blows a huge bubble that pops. He has gum all over his face. He thinks he blew his face inside out.

ch860612: The water's too cold! Now it's too hot. Now it's too cold. Now it's too deep.
Calvin is taking a bath and complains the water is too cold. After an adjustment, the water is too hot. After another adjustment, the water is too cold again. One more adjustment, but now it's too deep.

ch860613: The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up, closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know, for someone who hates baths as much as you do, you're not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
The fearsome shark senses distress in the water above. He circles in closer to the victim. Calvin rises up from the tub, teeth snapping, splashing water all over Mom. She comments that for someone who hates baths, he's not making things go any faster.

ch860614: Here Calvin, I'll show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
Dad shows Calvin a magic trick. He pulls a dime out of Calvin's ear. Calvin gives a sinister expression. Hobbes is holding Calvin upside down shaking him. Hobbes wants to know if anything has happened yet. Calvin replies nothing but a bloody nose.

ch860615: We should make Dad a Father's day card. Okay, I'll draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning, Dad! Happy Father's day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin, what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes, "Early to bed, early to rise." You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present, but "A penny saved is a penny earned," as you say ... so I'm now earning 6% on the money I didn't spend. Yes, Dad. Thanks to you I'm a happier, better person. Good work, Socrates. I knew we'd made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
Calvin comes into his parents' bedroom wishing Dad a Happy Father's Day. Calvin tells him that today, he will live by Dad's principles of fatherly wisdom. Unfortunately, it's five o'clock in the morning. Calvin reminds Dad about early to bed, early to rise. Calvin tells Dad he would have bought him a present, but a penny saved is a penny earned. Since Calvin is getting interest on the money he isn't spending, Calvin is a happier, better person from Dad's teachings. Mom grumbles "Good work, Socrates" to Dad. Dad comments that he knew they made a mistake when he saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital bassinet.

ch860616: I've never been this high in a tree before. Me either, you can see for miles from up here. I'll say! I'm glad we're up here. That was quite a crash, wasn't it?
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a tree branch. Calvin comments about never having been that high in a tree before. Hobbes notes that you can see for miles. Calvin says that was quite a crash, as we see the wagon lodged into a lower branch than the one they're on.

ch860617: The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Let's go! What's that? It's when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
Calvin happily notes that it's stopped raining. He tells Hobbes this is the best time for wormucking. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin explains that you walk on the pavement and muck all the worms.

ch860618: Calvin, quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Weren't you listening either?
Calvin and Hobbes are running through the house as Mom yells for them to stop it. Suddenly, there are sounds of crashing. Mom asks Calvin what she had just told him. Calvin replies that it beats him, wasn't she listening either?

ch860619: Bang! You're dead! No I'm not you missed. I did not! You cheater! I'm here talking to you aren't I? Ok, then ... bang! My, what a miserable shot you are!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing. Calvin shoots Hobbes and claims that he's dead. Hobbes says that Calvin missed. Calvin calls Hobbes a cheater, but Hobbes tells him that he's standing there talking to him. Calvin shoots again. Hobbes tells Calvin what a miserable shot he is.

ch860620: Hurry up, Calvin, our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? We're afraid he might eat someone. Let's go. That's right you probably would wouldn't you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
Dad yells to Calvin to hurry up. They have a 7:00 reservation. Calvin wants to bring Hobbes along. Dad explains that Hobbes would probably eat someone at the restaurant, so he can't come along. Calvin tells Hobbes that he probably would do that. Hobbes acknowledges he can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.

ch860621: Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And you're going to walk it, wise guy!
Pirate Calvin yells for his crew to prepare. There is a frigate to board. He calls for the raising of the skull and crossbones. He calls for the preparation of the plank. Hobbes tells him their ship is a plank. Calvin tells Hobbes, the wise guy, that he'll walk it.

ch860622: Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Who's out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
Calvin and Hobbes are playing baseball. Calvin hits the ball and runs. They throw the ball back and forth a few times as Calvin runs. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a nice double play. He asks who's out. Hobbes tells him it depends if he's on Hobbes' team or if Hobbes is on Calvin's team.

ch860623: A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Don't move, and it won't sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
Hobbes tells Calvin not to move because a bee landed on his back. Calvin squirms around and wants Hobbes to get it off. Hobbes tells him to be still and not imagine that it crawls down his shirt and into his pants. Calvin jumps way into the air as Hobbes comments that Calvin imagined it.

ch860624: Ok, let's flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Let's do it again! Flush. I don't want to know what he's doing do you. No, let's go check.
Hobbes places the end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet, and Calvin tells him to flush it. As they flush it, toilet paper unrolls into the drain. Calvin and Hobbes heartily laugh. They decide to do it again. Downstairs, Mom tells Dad she doesn't want to know what Calvin's doing. Dad says he doesn't either, so off they go to check.

ch860625: I've had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
Calvin tells Hobbes he's had trouble choosing a new hobby. He thought about collecting bugs, then stamps. Hobbes asks what he decided on. As Calvin raises his foot, he tells Hobbes stamped bugs.

ch860626: Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol' summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me "Oliver Twist" to read, and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable tonight.
Calvin complains that everyone has cable TV or a VCR. He rants on about having to watch summer repeats. Dad comments on how cruelly mistreated Calvin is. In his room, Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad gave him a copy of "Oliver Twist" so that he could identify with it. Hobbes is upset because "Sorority Row Horror" is on cable.

ch860627: I got a helium balloon. Very nice. I'm going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothing's happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didn't hang on.
Calvin tells Hobbes he has a helium balloon. Calvin is going to stand on a ladder and let the balloon take him up and away. Nothing happens. Hobbes suggests he jump off the ladder. Calvin does, and promptly plows his face into the ground. Hobbes notes the balloon has, however, flown into the sky. He says Calvin should have held on.

ch860628: Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! I'm done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
Calvin stands naked in the toilet. He flushes and spins around. He hops out, walks by Mom, informs her he's done with his bath. She believes that was a little too quick.

ch860629: Calvin, quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin, I'm trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I don't care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! We're going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But we're all through now. You won.
Dad is trying to concentrate on his driving. There's lots of traffic around. Calvin and Hobbes start making faces at each other, trying to get each other to laugh. As they're laughing, Dad turns around and yells at them that he told them to be quiet. Calvin says that they were having a weird face contest, but that fit's over. Dad won.

ch860630: What's all the rukus?! You're supposed to be asleep! And what's with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?! It was incredible Dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when the heard you coming! Honest! Nice alibi, frizzletop! No dessert for a week! You want another pillow across the kisser? I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms!
Dad pokes his head into Calvin's bedroom and wonders what all the ruckus is about. He sees feathers in the room. He asks Calvin whether he's tearing up pillows. Calvin clarifies that a herd of ducks flew in the window, molted, and left when Dad came in. After Dad leaves, Hobbes angrily notes there's no dessert for a week due to the bogus alibi. Calvin retorts that Hobbes wasn't offering any brainstorms.

ch860701: You see, Hobbes. I have a water balloon, and you don't. I therefore have the offensive superiority. So you have to do what I say. What do you think of that? I think I'll take this stick and poke your balloon. That's the trouble with weapons technology. It becomes obsolete so quickly.
Calvin boasts to Hobbes that he has a water balloon, while Hobbes doesn't. Calvin has the offensive superiority. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do about it. Hobbes thinks he'll pick up a stick and poke Calvin's water balloon. As Calvin stands soaked with water, he notes that weapons technology gets obsolete so quickly.

ch860702: Oh my gosh, Hobbes! Don't move! What? What is it? The biggest ugliest fuzziest caterpillar I've ever seen is about to chomp your bottom! Aaugh! Kill it! Kill it! Youww! Wham! You know what your problem is? You've got no appreciation for physical humor. That's what!
Calvin tells Hobbes not to move. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains the ugliest, fuzziest caterpillar he's ever seen is about to chomp Hobbes' bottom. Hobbes yells for him to kill it. Calvin stomps on Hobbes' tail. Hobbes yells in pain. As Calvin is chased by Hobbes, Calvin tells Hobbes he has no appreciation for physical humor.

ch860703: Where are you going? I'm going to walk to the other side of the lake. What's the bucket for? To drain the lake.
Calvin is walking by with a bucket in his hand. Hobbes asks where he's going. Calvin replies he's going to the other side of the lake. Hobbes asks what the bucket is for. Calvin tells him it's to drain the lake.

ch860704: You know what I like about summer days? They're just made for doing things ... even if it's nothing. Especially if it's nothing.
Lying under a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin that what he likes most about summer days is that they're made for doing things. They continue to lie under the tree as Hobbes says even if it's nothing. Calvin adds that it's the case especially if it's nothing.

ch860705: This looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. What will we do with it if we catch one? Well that's one thing we don't need to worry about. You don't know what one is either, huh?
Standing by the edge of the water, Calvin says this looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. Hobbes asks what they'll do with one if they catch it. Calvin says they won't have to worry about that. Hobbes asks Calvin if that means he doesn't know what a crawdad is, either.

ch860706: Hobbes. You didn't bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No, I prefer "furry dipping." Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Don't tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
The family has gone to the beach for a getaway. Calvin and Hobbes run across the sand. They yelp with pain from the hot sand. Finally, they reach the water and jump in. And right out they come, yelping with pain from the cold of the water. Then, they again yelp with pain from the hot sand as they return to the car. As Dad points to Calvin and Hobbes sitting in the car, Dad tells Mom they haven't driven an hour and a half for this.

ch860707: When are we going to get our vacation site? I wanna be there! Calvin, it's an eight-hour drive. We're not even out of our state yet. It's going to be a while relax. How much longer now? I told you we should have flown.
From the back seat of the car, Calvin asks Mom and Dad when they'll be at the vacation spot. Calvin is told it's an eight-hour drive and they haven't left the state yet. They tell him to relax. Calvin looks out the window. He asks how much longer now. Mom and Dad both say "I told you we should have flown".

ch860708: There's a restaurant coming up. Want to stop? Only if they have hamburgers. Hamburgers? That's all we've eaten this whole stupid trip! Hamburgers, hamburgers, hamburgers! I'm sick of hamburgers! We're eathing something else for once! Ten million bottles of beer on the wall, ten million bottles of beer ... ok! Ok! Here's a hamburger joint! Are you happy?!
Still on their trip, Dad points out there is a restaurant coming up. He asks if anyone wants to stop. Calvin replies "only if they have hamburgers". Dad rails about how all they've eaten on the trip are hamburgers. He wants to eat something else for once. Calvin breaks out into singing "ten million bottles of beer on the wall". Dad gives up and tells Calvin they're stopping at a hamburger joint.

ch860709: I have to go the bathroom. Calvin, we just pulled out of the restaurant can't you wait? Think of something else. All I can think of is Niagara Falls, and the Hoover Dam, and Noah's Ark, and ... ooh boy, now I have to go! Next year I swear I'll just take a vacation by myself.
Calvin tells Dad he needs to go to the bathroom. Dad mentions they've just left the restaurant. He wants Calvin to think of something else. Calvin can only think of Niagara Falls, Hoover Dam, Noah's Ark. Suddenly, Mom decides she needs to go, as well. As Dad sits in the car at the gas station, he thinks he'll take a vacation by himself next year.

ch860710: This trip was excruciating thank goodness we're here. Eight hours crammed in a car with a hyperactive six-year old! What an ordeal. Well, now Calvin can run and scream all he likes. Ahh, what a great little place. I'm bored when are we leaving? You're bored? Would you like me to show you how an anchor works?
They finally arrive. Dad is rehashing the excruciating trip. Eight hours with a hyperactive six-year-old. At their lakeside campground, Dad says Calvin can run around and scream all he wants. Calvin promptly tells Dad that he's bored. Dad puts his arm around Calvin and offers to show Calvin how an anchor works.

ch860711: Ahh! Another glorious sunrise. And not a soul around! This is the life! A brisk swim at dawn. A morning out in the boat ... and by 9am I'm back with freshly caught fish for breakfast! The day's hardly begun! What a vacation! Ugh ... I've seen cheerier faces at the office. You eat your dead animals. All I want is some coffee. Why isn't there any TV up here? I hate this place.
Dad gets up in the morning to greet the sunrise. He's happy to have an early swim and a morning on the boat. By 9:00, he's back with the fish he's caught for breakfast. As he comes to the table with his cooked fish, Mom is huddled over a cup of coffee. She tells him to eat his dead animals, she wants coffee. Calvin wonders why there isn't any TV in the camp.

ch860712: Dad, look! I caught a fish! Hey, that's a big one. I'll show you how to clean it and we'll have it for dinner. Clean it? Cut off its head and gut it. Mmm! Pass me another of these great cheese sandwiches! Ha ha. No bones in these right?
Calvin catches a fish and proudly shows Dad. Dad comments on what a big fish it is, and that he'll show Calvin how to clean it so they can have it for dinner. Calvin has never heard of cleaning fish, so Dad explains that you cut off its head and gut it. At the dinner table, Calvin is helping himself to another cheese sandwich. He happily comments on their being no bones in them.

ch860713: Guess what's short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If you're going to tear around do it outside!! Okay, okay ...
Calvin and Hobbes are having a squirt gun fight in the house. They chase after one another and wrestle throughout the house. Finally, Mom tells them that if they're going to tear around do it outside. Calvin and Hobbes sit on the step, looking out into the yard.

ch860714: Wow, look down there! I think that's the dim outline of a whale! I think that's a rock. And that must be a giant eel slithering up from the bottom! I think that's a weed. I'll bet this is the mast of an old spanish galleon, sunk hundreds of years ago. It's a branch. Man, this is boring. I wish there was a movie theater some place.
Calvin and Hobbes are out in the canoe. Calvin sees the dim outline of a whale. Hobbes thinks it was a rock. Calvin sees a giant eel slithering up from the bottom. Hobbes thinks it was a weed. Calvin sees the mast of a Spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Hobbes says it's a branch. Calvin comments on how boring it is, and that he wishes there was a movie theater nearby.

ch860715: Want to go fishing? Sure. Fishing is one sport I really like. I can see why ... it's so contemplative. There's another one!!
Calvin and Hobbes decide to go fishing. Fishing is one sport Calvin really likes. Calvin is on the end of the fishing line, held up by Hobbes' pole. Calvin has a bat in his hand and is trying to hit the fish. Hobbes says he understands since it's so contemplative.

ch860716: Gzzzzzzzz! Waaauughhhh! Sploosh.
Calvin is ready to cast his fishing line. His hook has caught on the back of his pants. As he sends the line out, he goes with it. He splashes into the water. But out of the water he comes with a fish in his hands, a smile on his face.

ch860717: Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp. Whap Whap Whap Whap. I don't like food cooked out, do you? Ugh. It all tastes the same.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on a log roasting wieners. The hot dogs catch fire. Calvin stomps on his hot dog, while Hobbes smacks his into the ground to put out the fires. Hobbes says he doesn't like food that's cooked outside. Calvin thinks it all tastes the same.

ch860718: Flowers are pretty stupid. See, it's a bright, sunny day out, right? Well, with this watering can, I can make them think it's raining. It's fun to mess with their minds.
Calvin tells Hobbes that flowers are stupid. He comments that while the sun is shining, he can water the plants so they think it's raining. Calvin says it's fun to mess with their minds.

ch860719: The experiment has gone horribly wrong! Calvin has mutated into a giant fly! He zips about in parasitic hunger, searching for decaying flesh! An unbearable stench fills the air. The hideous bug zeroes in. Mmm! This makes me hungry! Don't be gross. Just take out the garbage like I asked you, will you please?
Calvin has mutated into a giant fly. He flies around looking for decaying flesh. He follows the unbearable stench in the air. In the kitchen, Mom tells Calvin not to be gross and to take out the trash.

ch860720: It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
Calvin drinks a magic elixir and starts to grow. He gets bigger and bigger. The giant goes on a rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. There's panic in the streets, a town lies in ruins. Mom tells Calvin she will not buy him more toy cars, she saw him deliberately stomping on the ones he already has.

ch860721: C'mon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I don't want swimming lessons!! Too late. Let's go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No, it's not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry, and until we do we smell funny.
Mom calls for Calvin to come to his swimming lessons. Calvin yells that he doesn't want swimming lessons. He asks whether Hobbes is signed up. Mom tells him it's not too good to get tigers wet. Calvin asks Hobbes why that is. Hobbes replies it takes all day to dry and until then, they smell funny.

ch860722: I can't believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning, about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well, look who's here!
Calvin can't believe his Mom signed him up for swimming lessons. As he stands next to the pool in his trunks, he complains about freezing his buns off at 9 in the morning. He knows he'll jump in the ice water and drown. He thinks the only way things could be worse was if the class was being taught by his sadistic baby sitter. Rosalyn is standing there in her swim suit and says "Look who's here".

ch860723: Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a "Rat Tail" is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
Rosalyn calls for everyone to get into the pool. Calvin refuses, saying he's freezing already. Rosalyn asks Calvin if he knows what a "rat tail" is. She explains what it is and says it's worse than being cold. Calvin is in the pool saying he thought lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.

ch860724: This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the "deadmans float." Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
Calvin complains about the cold water. He's sure he'll go into shock and drown. He thinks the lifeguard is involved in an insurance scam and is trying to drown everyone. Rosalyn announces they're going to learn the "deadman's float". Calvin screams for his Mom. Rosalyn, with her hand over her face, laments what she puts up with to pay for college.

ch860725: I don't want to learn how to swim! I don't need to know how. I'll just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
Calvin crawls out of the pool saying he doesn't want to learn how to swim. He says he doesn't need to know how and will always stay on land. Rosalyn asks what he'll do if he falls out of a boat. Calvin puts on a huge preserver vest and says "No big deal".

ch860726: Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
Calvin gets into the car, complaining to Mom about the forty minutes of terror. He wonders why he can't have hang gliding or sharpshooting lessons, maybe driving lessons. Mom tells him he starts piano lessons Tuesday. Calvin yells.

ch860727: Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it.
Calvin the fly buzzes along looking for dead meat. He darts this way and that, but he flies into a spider web. The fly tries to escape the web, but it's no use. Soon, his innards will be sucked out by the spider. Hobbes is standing next to Calvin, who's tangled up in the hammock. Hobbes tells Calvin he was going to join him, but he thinks he'll forget it.

ch860728: Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything.
Susie Derkins comes up to Calvin and Hobbes sitting under a tree. She asks what they're doing. Calvin hustles her away by saying they're doing important secret things. Susie calls Calvin a dandelion head and decides she doesn't care what he's doing. Calvin reiterates they're having fun and doing great things. After Susie is gone, Hobbes says that he thought they were bored out of their skulls. Calvin tells him he doesn't know anything.

ch860729: That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
Susie is walking back complaining that Calvin is so mean. She tries to be friends, but he treats her like a nobody. Susie feels she doesn't need a friend. She can have fun by herself. As she sits alone on a rock with a stick in her hand, she dejectedly says "Poop".

ch860730: Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up.
Calvin approaches Susie and tells her she can play with them if she wants. Susie thanks Calvin and proceeds to establish the rules of the game. She'll be the high-powered executive wife, Hobbes can be the unemployed, housekeeping husband, and Calvin can be the bratty and brainless kid in the day care center. Off Susie goes to Wall Street. Calvin reminds Hobbes this was his idea and calls Hobbes a pea brain. Hobbes scolds Calvin for talking that way to his father.

ch860731: The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick.
Spaceman Spiff is trying to outrun aliens. He shifts into reverse. As the aliens pass, Spiff shifts to forward and chases the aliens. The aliens turn around, so Spiff shifts back into reverse. Calvin, riding in a swing, feels he's getting sick.

ch860801: Whack! Tell me this isn't a spitball!!
Hobbes makes the pitch. Calvin hits the ball with his bat. He looks around for the ball. The ball is stuck to the bat, and Calvin accuses Hobbes of throwing a spitball.

ch860802: Hobbes, quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
As Calvin comes down the hill on his skates, he yells for Hobbes to tell him how to stop. Hobbes tells him to steer into a gravel driveway and fall down. Calvin skrunches to a stop. He trudges up the hill, all torn up, as Hobbes clarifies that was only a suggestion.

ch860803: Boy, it's quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! I'll get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless, of course, he went so far as to ...
Calvin attacks Hobbes with a squirt gun. Hobbes strikes back by smacking Calvin with a water balloon. Calvin goes for supreme retaliation with the garden hose. He comments on how nothing can match the hose for water volume. He ponders whether Hobbes went so far as to...Hobbes comes around the corner of the fence dragging the swimming pool with him.

ch860804: Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
Calvin sees something in the dirt and says it must be a fossil. He picks up a coat hangar and wonders what peculiar animal that was. He knows it's not a bone and comments it might be a primitive hunting weapon or an eating utensil for cave men. He muses it might have a religious function. Hobbes now knows why Calvin's clothes stay on the floor.

ch860805: Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's creek." When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?
Calvin is making a sign declaring the creek back in the woods "Calvin's Creek". He informs Hobbes that when you discover something, you can name it and put up a sign. Hobbes wonders what happens if you didn't really discover it. Calvin says that he did discover it because there isn't any other sign at the creek. When they arrive at the creek, there is already a sign. The sign reads "Hobs Crk", as Hobbes rolls his eyes and tries to look innocent.

ch860806: Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom? No. why not? You'll get soaked. What's wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia, run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom, you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
Calvin asks Mom whether he and Hobbes can go play in the rain. Mom says no, he'll get soaked. Calvin asks what's so bad about that. Mom explains about catching pneumonia, running up a big hospital bill, and dying. Up in their room looking out at the rain, Calvin says he forgot that when he asks Mom something, he always gets a worst-case scenario. Hobbes mentions he didn't know those little showers were so dangerous.

ch860807: Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There aren't any caves around here! You don't need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to go spelunking with him. Hobbes says there aren't any caves around. Calvin says you don't need a cave, only a rock. Calvin throws a rock into a puddle. Spelunk goes the water.

ch860808: Well dad, off to work? Too bad I'm on summer vacation, so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well, go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
Calvin asks Dad if he's off to work. Calvin tells him it's a shame that he's on summer vacation and can stay home doing whatever he wants to. He sends Dad off to join the rat race, reminding him that he and Mom are racking up lots of expenses. Calvin explains that he does that so Dad appreciates the weekends more.

ch860809: Hot day, isn't it? I'll say. But it's the humidity that really gets to me. You don't like it when it's humid? Not at all. Then you'd better get out quick.
Hobbes pushes Calvin down the hill in the wagon. Calvin comments on how hot it is. Hobbes agrees with him, saying he dislikes the humidity. After Calvin clarifies that Hobbes doesn't like humidity, he suggests Hobbes get out of the wagon quickly. The wagon is about two feet away from rolling into the water.

ch860810: Go on "three" ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
Calvin and Hobbes have a foot race. Faster and faster they go until, finally, they lie on the grass exhausted. Calvin can't believe it. There was no sonic boom, not even a "pop". Hobbes disagrees, saying he heard a pop but thinks it was his lungs.

ch860811: What's for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin, one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. Mom tells him salmon. Calvin makes a face with his tongue stuck out. Mom tells him that one day his face will freeze like that. Calvin gets an evil grin and thinks "Wow!".

ch860812: Hi, Hobbes! Good heavens, what's wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face, it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? It's worth a try ... I'll bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
Calvin is walking around with his face twisted and tongue hanging out. Hobbes asks what's wrong with Calvin. Calvin explained that since Mom told him his face would freeze like that, he's giving it a try. As Calvin heads off making his face, Hobbes falls in behind him making his own twisted face. Hobbes says he always liked gargoyles.

ch860813: Don't make faces at the table, Calvin. I can't help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did. No, it didn't. it did, dad! Mom was right, I'm horribly disfigured for life. No, you aren't. but don't worry, I won't spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
Dad tells Calvin not to make faces at the dinner table. Calvin tells him about what Mom had said and indicates his face is now frozen like that. Dad tells him it isn't, but Calvin says he's now horribly disfigured for life. After Dad tells him he isn't, Calvin says he won't spoil dinner. He puts on a hooded mask and says he's like the elephant man.

ch860814: Here comes Susie. Ha! Won't she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi, Susie. Hi, Calvin. What did you do, get your head stuck in a blender? It's an improvement.
Calvin and Hobbes, both making faces, come up to Susie. Calvin figures she'll be horrified at their frozen faces. They exchange pleasant greetings, then Susie asks if Calvin got his head stuck in a blender. She says it's an improvement.

ch860815: Are the coals hot? Yes, they're very hot I'm just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do, could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? I've got the most boring dad in the world.
Dad is preparing a cookout, and Calvin asks if the coals are hot. Dad tells him yes, that he's about ready to put on the hamburgers. Calvin asks if, before putting the burgers on, Dad can toss in a can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball. Calvin laments that he has the most boring Dad in the world.

ch860816: With these snorkels, we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish we'll be able to see! We can collect shells! Let's go! We'll so far, this has been a major disappointment.
Hobbes puts on a mask and snorkel and says with the snorkel, they can stay underwater indefinitely. Calvin reminds Hobbes of the fish they'll see. Hobbes figures they can collect shells. Sitting in their little swimming pool, Calvin tells Hobbes that so far, it's been a major disappointment.

ch860817: You know, Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldn't survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh, no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go, the slower time goes. Gotcha. It's 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. We're going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25, time still hasn't stopped. Has time stopped now? No, just my heart. Well, it looks like Einstein's a fraud, wouldn't you say? No, he's right! Look, my watch isn't going at all any more!!
Calvin wants Hobbes to help him test the theory of relativity. He says the faster he goes, the slower time goes. So Hobbes pushes him down the hill in the wagon. Hobbes climbs aboard and keeps the time. Faster and faster they go, but time continues. Finally, as they fly off the side of the hill, Calvin asks if time has stopped. Hobbes replies no, but that his heart has. As they lie smashed into the ground, Calvin declares Einstein a fraud. Hobbes says no, because his clock has stopped.

ch860818: "Add two eggs and stir". Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes, so we'll each get ten. Nah, that's too much trouble. We'll just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
Hobbes has Calvin add two eggs to the mixing bowl. Calvin does. Hobbes tells Calvin the recipe will make twenty pancakes, so they'll each get ten. Calvin says that's too much trouble. He pours the batter into a frying pan and says he'll make one big pancake, and they'll each get half.

ch860819: Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals.
Calvin yells that he wants Dad to read him a bedtime story. Dad begs off until tomorrow. Calvin replies he won't go to bed without a story. Dad gives him a very brief story dealing with a little boy who always wanted things his way and who gets locked in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. Calvin doesn't like those stories with morals.

ch860820: Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table. I'm watching television. No, you're not! Yes, I am. I'm right here in front of it! No you're not! Oh that's right. I'm at the table.
Mom calls Calvin to dinner. Calvin replies that he's watching television. Mom says he's not. Calvin disagrees and says he's right there in front of it. Mom yells "NO you're NOT". Calvin scampers off remembering that he is at the table.

ch860821: I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? I've seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol' turtle? Ha!
Susie tells Calvin she saw a turtle at the creek. Calvin says he's seen hundreds of turtles, that it's no big deal. He wonders who wants to see another dumb old turtle. Shortly after, Susie catches Calvin at the creek looking for the turtle.

ch860822: Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think you're a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
Calvin wants to ride in the grocery cart. Mom tells him he's too old for that. Calvin begs, so she puts him in. Calvin then tells her to run down the aisle and let go.

ch860823: Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold, eh, Tarzan?
Calvin sails out over the water on a rope swing. Calvin does a Tarzan yell. As he lets go, he looks down at the water and hurriedly grabs the rope back. As he comes back to shore, Hobbes asks him if the water looked a little cold.

ch860824: Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin, the quarterback, jumps, dodges and throws the ball. Hobbes, the receiver, makes the great catch and heads for a score. Calvin wants a lateral so he can score. Hobbes calls a fumble and recovers the ball. Calvin calls a penalty and sends Hobbes to the bench. Hobbes defects to the other team. They go at each other. In a heap, Calvin can see why football is such a violent game. Hobbes' team, after a one yard gain, gets smooches from the cheerleaders.

ch860825: I think I'm using too strong a sun screen.
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in the grass. Hobbes sits up and looks at his belly. He looks at his side. He tells Calvin he thinks he's using too strong a sun screen.

ch860826: Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
Calvin and Hobbes are fishing. Calvin complains that fishing is the most boring sport in the world. He says they've been there twenty minutes and not one thing has happened. Hobbes thinks about it, and he pushes Calvin into the water.

ch860827: You're on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin, be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. That's not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
Calvin and Hobbes are bickering in bed. Calvin wants Hobbes to move over. Hobbes wants Calvin to give him some covers. Dad angrily yells for them to be quiet and go to sleep. They both stop for a second. Then, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad said to move over and give back the covers. Hobbes tells Calvin that isn't what Dad said, and that Calvin stole his pillow.

ch860828: With a drink of magic elixir, Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent, he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy, as soon as you want something done around here, that kid's nowhere to be seen.
Calvin drinks an elixir that makes him invisible. He walks out of the house, undetected. Mom calls for Calvin. She says whenever you want something done around there, the kid's nowhere to be seen.

ch860829: Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing, I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
Since Calvin is invisible, he takes his clothes off to perpetrate any crime. He can get away with anything. Mom wonders just what he's doing in the cookie jar without his clothes on.

ch860830: Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
Calvin warns Dad about his slipping poll numbers. Dad informs him it's not an elected position, so he doesn't have to respond to polls. Calvin asks if that means Dad can rule with dictatorial impunity. Dad says yes. Calvin surmises open revolt and exile is the only hope for change. Dad doesn't like the direction the conversation is taking.

ch860831: Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life, but his grip is weakening! He can't hold on! He ... he let's go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher, as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No, no, let him finish. This is very interesting, so after you landed in Phoenix, what happened? Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well, about then my gravity came back, so I ...
Calvin finds he's immune to the laws of gravity. He tries to hold on, but he loses his grip. Up into the sky he falls. Higher and higher he goes, until he grasps the tailfin of a passing jet. Dad wants him to continue with his story after he lands in Phoenix. Mom says she will not sew velcro on the outside of all Calvin's clothes.

ch860901: I'm going to learn how to ride this bicycle even if it kills me. Ok, you can let go ... aaugh! Did it kill you? Not yet. It's decided to maim me first.
Calvin says he's going to learn to ride his bicycle if it kills him. Hobbes lets go of the bike, and there's a crash. Hobbes picks the bike off Calvin and asks if it killed him. Calvin answers that the bike has decided to maim him first.

ch860902: They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget. That doesn't surprise me. Waarrgh! It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.
Calvin hops on his bicycle again. Hobbes tells him that people say once you've learned to ride, you never forget. Calvin believes that. After he again crashes, he says it works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.

ch860903: Easy ... easy ... hold it still ... there! Look! I did it! I'm balancing! That's good. Do you want to try it with the kickstand up?
Calvin tentatively gets back on the bike. He tells Hobbes to hold him steady. He shakily sits on the bike and congratulates himself on balancing the bicycle. Hobbes agrees that is good, then asks if he wants to try it with the kickstand up.

ch860904: Crash! It jumped me!!
Calvin sneaks up to his bicycle. He reaches out for it. CRASH! The bike falls on Calvin. He cries out "It jumped me!"

ch860905: Look, there's a frog! C'mon, let's catch it! I'm not getting near it. Why not? They drink water all day just in case someone picks them up.
Calvin sees a frog in the water and asks Hobbes to help him catch it. Hobbes doesn't want to get near it. Calvin asks why not. Hobbes informs him they drink water all day in case someone picks them up.

ch860906: I'm going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and read comic books! Oh, no, you're not! Why not?! Because I'm your mother and I said so. Get back in here. And you can stop goose-stepping around the house!
Calvin heads out the door of his house. He tells Mom that he's going to the drugstore to eat candy and read comic books all afternoon. Mom grabs him and says he isn't going. When asked why not, Mom tells him that she's his mother and she said so. She then has to yell to Calvin to quit goose-stepping around the house.

ch860907: Do you think boogeymen really exist? I don't know. ... but if they do, I'm sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story I've ever heard. Let's get back to the tent! I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didn't you? I don't know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. I'm glad we carried a generator all this distance.
Calvin and Hobbes return to their tent after hearing scary campfire stories. Hobbes doesn't think he'll ever sleep again. Calvin thinks he hears something. Hobbes isn't sure, but Calvin thinks it sounded like breathing, drooling, and ripping meat off human bones. They run screaming to their tent. As they light dozens of floodlights and spotlights around their tent, Hobbes admits he's glad they carried a generator all that distance.

ch860908: Hey, Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for pizza. Mom tells him they had pizza last night, and that it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin asks if she'd rather spend the night cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks. As they sit in the pizza restaurant, Dad notices they seem to go out for pizza a lot these days. Mom comments that he's welcome to make a dish of cereal at home, if he'd prefer.

ch860909: Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right, I'm back already! Can't I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes, Mom, not me.
Calvin and Hobbes are in the car, pretending to drive. Calvin races along the residential streets at 90 mph. Hobbes flips on a turn signal. Calvin makes school kids dive for safety. Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after Calvin, so he downshifts. Hobbes blows the horn. Mom comes back with groceries in hand asking if she can run an errand without Calvin honking the horn across the parking lot. Calvin pleads that it wasn't him blowing the horn.

ch860910: See any UFOs? Not yet. Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
Calvin and Hobbes are looking into the evening skies with binoculars. Calvin asks if Hobbes has seen any UFO's yet. Calvin tells him to keep his eyes peeled, that they'll land sooner or later. Hobbes asks what they'll do when the aliens land. Calvin will try to sell Mom and Dad into slavery in exchange for a star cruiser.

ch860911: Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
Hobbes is curled up sleeping. Calvin approaches. When Hobbes yawns, Calvin sticks his head in Hobbes' mouth and says "Ta daa!" Hobbes is unimpressed.

ch860912: Calvin, I don't want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isn't quite the same, is it?
Mom tells Calvin she doesn't want him up in the tree. Calvin, sitting on a branch with Hobbes, asks why not. She explains some of the branches are dead and might break. As Calvin climbs down, he comments that Mom spoils everything. As they sit on top of a ladder, Hobbes comments that it just isn't the same.

ch860913: Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin, drink your milk in little sips!
A frog is sitting on the ground. It puffs its throat up and croaks. As Calvin puffs his cheeks, Mom yells to Calvin to drink his milk in little sips.

ch860914: Spaceman Spiff is hit! He's going down! Fortunately, our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planet's atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiff's blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape, but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish I'd brought my lunch today! That's gross, Calvin! If you don't like the cafeteria's tapioca, just leave it alone!
Spaceman Spiff crashes. The atmosphere is hardly breathable. Spiff looks for life, but notices a gelatinous blob of muck coming after him. His blaster is useless. He tries to escape, but the stench envelops him. Calvin is playing with his food. Susie tells him to leave the cafeteria's tapioca alone if he doesn't like it.

ch860915: Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh, come on, you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.
Calvin laments the end of summer. He knows there is toil and drudgery ahead. Hobbes reminds him he spent half the summer vacation complaining about being bored. Thus reminded, Calvin figures he must have been delirious from having so much fun.

ch860916: I can't believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! I'll never be able to write that much! It's not fair!! How's it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV?
Calvin is complaining he has homework already. He has to write a whole paragraph about what he did over the summer. He says he'll never be able to write that much. He laments how unfair it is. With Hobbes sitting at the table, Calvin asks how it's coming. Hobbes says not so good. He needs to know what else Calvin did besides watch TV.

ch860917: In soccer, you can't touch the ball with your hands or arms. See, you can use any other part of your body ... even your head! Yeah, but your face?? Doesn't that that hurt? Rrrrghh! That's not what I meant to do!
Calvin is explaining to Hobbes how to play soccer. He kicks the ball and says you can use any body part except hands or arms. Calvin says you can even use your head. After the ball hits, Hobbes asks if using his face doesn't hurt.

ch860918: I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No, I don't think violence would be justified. Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did?
Calvin poses a hypothetical question to Hobbes. He wonders if a kid at school called him a nasty name, should he kick him in the shins? Hobbes says no, the violence would be unjustified. Calvin then asks another hypothetical question. What if he already did?

ch860919: I've decided to grow a beard Mom. A long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. That's nice Calvin. You go ahead and do that. I thought she'd put up more of a fuss than that.
Calvin tells Mom he's going to grow a long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. Mom says to go ahead. As Calvin looks into the mirror, he says he thought Mom would have put up more of a fuss.

ch860920: How about these pants, Mom? Can I get these? Good heavens, look at the price! I don't have pants that cost this much! And you'll grow right out of these! Honestly, why would any kid need designer clothes?? "Babes." Babes, Mom. I gotta look cool.
At the department store, Calvin asks Mom if he can get a particular pair of pants. Mom looks at it and says they're too expensive. She says he'll grow right out of them, too. She wonders why any kid needs designer clothes. Calvin replies, "Babes". Calvin has to look cool.

ch860921: Don't turn out the light Dad! You didn't check under the bed for monsters! I'm sure there are no monsters under your bed, go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? There's no answer. Do you think they're gone? Maybe they're just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy, am I full! I must've gained ten pounds today! Maybe I'm getting a little plump! You're bigger, Calvin, but there's no fat on you! I guess you're right. I'm getting big, but I'm still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. We'll go out the window.
In bed, Calvin asks whether there are any monsters under his bed. No answer. He tells Hobbes to watch over the edge of the bed. Calvin tries fooling the monsters by saying he's getting a little plump. He says he's bigger, yet nice and lean. Hobbes looks down to the floor. Something under the bed is drooling. Calvin starts tying sheets together to go out the window.

ch860922: Pay up, squirt. Forget it Moe. I'm not giving you the money. In fact, I don't even have any. Gee, that's too bad. Oh wait, yes, I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, he's awfully persuasive.
Moe tries to extort some money from Calvin. Calvin tells Moe he's not giving him any money. In fact, he says he doesn't even have any. Moe readies a punch. Calvin suddenly remembers he has some money and flips it to Moe. Calvin comments that for a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary, Moe is awfully persuasive.

ch860923: Ok, Hobbes, here's the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me, and when Moe comes to steal my money, you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldn't do that! Sure you could! What's wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!
Calvin tells Hobbes his plan to put Moe out of commission. The plan involves coming to school with Calvin and eating Moe when he comes to steal Calvin's money. Hobbes doesn't think he could eat him. Calvin wonders what the problem is. Hobbes replies that fat kids are high in cholesterol. Calvin cries that Hobbes can just chew him and spit him out.

ch860924: If that bully is extorting money, I'm going to call the school and put an end to it. Don't do that! If Moe finds out I squealed, I'm a goner! This kid can't get away with stealing, Calvin. Somebody's got to do something. Here's a list of what I'm wearing. See you at the morgue.
Mom decides to call the school to stop Moe's extortion. Calvin tells her not to, that he'll be a goner if Moe finds out he squealed. Mom is firm that Moe can't get away with stealing, something needs to be done. Calvin gives Mom a list of what he's wearing and tells her he'll see her at the morgue.

ch860925: Hey, Twinkie, here's the 2 cents I "borrowed" from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me, and it's gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think I'll use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
Moe gives Calvin the quarter he "borrowed" from him the day before. Moe says someone told on him, and it will be a dark day for whoever it was if Moe finds out who. Calvin looks at his quarter. He decides he should use it to call his insurance agent.

ch860926: Hi, Dad, it's me! Calvin, is this important? I'm very busy this morning. I'll make it fast, Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks Dad if he could pick up some topsoil and grass seed on his way home. Dad agrees. Calvin walks off with a pick and shovel over his shoulder, dirt all over him. Dad sits frozen with his hand on the telephone after hanging up.

ch860927: Ring Ring. Hello, Calvin speaking. I'd like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh, I'm sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
Calvin answers the ringing telephone. He tells the person he wants to order a large anchovy pizza. The person on the phone is puzzled. Calvin says they must have dialed the wrong number and hangs up. Calvin walks off saying he tries to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

ch860928: Quit squirming, Calvin. You've got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats, I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream, Dad. It was great. You're welcome. I'm tired of pulling you. It's my turn to ride. Your Dad didn't get me any ice cream, so I get to ride both ways. No, you don't! Dad said tigers don't like ice cream! It's my turn to ride! Tigers don't know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. I'm not pulling. I've got news, fuzz brain. I'm not pulling either! Well, then, I guess we'll both just sit here until we die. Why do these "walks" always end up as "rides"? oh, you need the exercise more anyway.
The family is walking home from getting ice cream. Calvin wants Hobbes to pull him in the wagon. Hobbes refuses, since he didn't get any ice cream. Calvin complains that tigers don't like ice cream. Hobbes still refuses to pull the wagon. Calvin calls Hobbes fuzz brain and he, too, refuses to pull the wagon. They both sit there. Dad laments their walks always become rides. Mom tells him he needs the exercise anyway.

ch860929: What are you doing? Being "cool." You look more like you're being bored. The world bores you when you're cool.
Calvin is leaning against a tree when Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin replies he's being "cool". Hobbes says he looks more like he's bored. Calvin replies that "The world bores you when you're cool".

ch860930: Look, I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be "cool." A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people don't wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?
Hobbes, wearing a sombrero, joins Calvin in being "cool". Calvin yells that cool people don't wear sombreros, that nobody wears sombreros. Hobbes trudges off wondering what the fun of being "cool" is if you can't wear a sombrero.

ch861001: I'm back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! I'll be "cool" in these, boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You don't look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe I'm new wave. Maybe you're just stupid.
Hobbes is back, this time wearing Mickey Mouse pants. Hobbes knows he'll be "cool" in those pants. They have big, yellow buttons. Calvin tells Hobbes that he looks like an idiot. Hobbes thinks maybe he's new wave. Calvin still thinks Hobbes is just stupid.

ch861002: Here comes Susie. I'm going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
Calvin sees Susie coming. He throws a pine cone at her. Suddenly, the pine cone comes whizzing back at Calvin and smacks him. Susie walks down the street carrying her lacrosse stick.

ch861003: Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Let's play something else.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin jumps on Hobbes to tackle him. He continues to try to bring Hobbes down, without success, while Hobbes walks down the field and scores a touchdown. Calvin wants to play something else.

ch861004: Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed, how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
Calvin asks if there are any monsters under his bed. Three replies of no come from beneath the bed. Calvin then asks how big they would be if there were any monsters. He gets a reply saying very small and to go to sleep. Calvin yells for Mom.

ch861005: I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
Susie wants to squeeze Calvin's stuffed tiger. Calvin warns her that Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast. Susie thinks he looks cuddly. Calvin continues to explain about Hobbes' terrible mandibles of bone-crushing death. Calvin warns of mighty paws with razor-sharp claws. He concludes that Hobbes is a monster. Susie thinks Hobbes is cute and gives him a big hug. Calvin asks Hobbes what happened to the mandibles of death. He calls him a sissy furball. Hobbes, with a big smile on his face, says he was beguiled by her feminine charms. He also tells Calvin to go soak his head.

ch861006: With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote "Help I'm a bug" on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
Calvin, the human insect, advances the paper in the typewriter. For proper medical treatment, he needs to type a legible message to his family. He jumps from key to key. Mom wonders who typed "Help, I'm a bug" on her note to Grandma.

ch861007: Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me, Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
Calvin is in the bathtub. He goes back and forth, back and forth. He creates a tidal wave. When Mom comes in to see the flood covered with water, Calvin offers the idea that the seal around the tub leaks.

ch861008: What's this music? It's "The 1812 Overture." I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
Calvin asks what music Hobbes is listening to. Hobbes replies "The 1812 Overture". Calvin says the percussion section is interesting. Hobbes tells him those are cannons. Calvin mentions that they perform in crowded concert halls. He thought classical music was boring.

ch861009: Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here.
Calvin explains to Dad what a day he's had. He went to school, played outside, did homework. He asks Dad the time. After Dad tells him, Calvin heads off declaring "It's Miller time".

ch861010: Psst ... Susie! What's 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right ... that's what she said 3+4 was.
While taking a test, Calvin asks Susie what 12 + 7 is. Susie tells him a billion. Calvin realizes that can't be right, since that's what Susie said 3 + 4 was.

ch861011: I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
Calvin tells Hobbes he's just read a great science fiction story. He says it's about machines who take control of humans and make them zombie slaves. Hobbes clarifies by stating that instead of us controlling machines, they control us. He says that's a scary idea. Calvin agrees, then notices his TV show is on.

ch861012: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz, yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
The tyrannosaurus lumbers through the valley. He's a walking death machine. Only one other creature dares challenge him, the saber-toothed tiger. Hobbes is peacefully sleeping. He rolls from side-to-side while Calvin awaits with mouth open. Finally, Calvin yells for Hobbes to wake up. The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the valley.

ch861013: Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. "Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone." Actually, there's not much left to explain.
Calvin tells Hobbes they are going to discuss current events at school. He tells Hobbes each student had to pick an article, read it to the class, then explain it. Hobbes asks which article he chose. Calvin tells him "Space Alien Weds Two-Headed Elvis Clone". Calvin comments that there's not much left to explain.

ch861014: Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. It's going to be unpleasant around here!
Calvin shows Hobbes what you can do with big socks. He puts them over his ears, one over his nose. An elephant. Hobbes wants to join in on the fun. Dad is standing by his dresser with no socks on. He yells that if he misses the bus, it's going to be unpleasant around there.

ch861015: Calvin, how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is you've got no common sense. I've got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
Mom and Calvin are looking at a broken dish on the kitchen floor. Mom asks how the dish got broken. Calvin replies that he tried to carry too much, and it dropped. Mom tells him he has no common sense. Calvin disagrees by saying he's got plenty of common sense, he just chose to ignore it.

ch861016: I don't understand this business about death. If we're just going to die. What's the point of living? Well, there's seafood. I don't know why I even talk to you before dinner.
Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin mentions he doesn't understand about death. He wonders if we're all going to die, what's the point of living? Hobbes ponders that and offers an answer of "Seafood". In a huff, Calvin says he doesn't know why he even talks to Hobbes before dinner.

ch861017: I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well, you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No, I won't you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
Calvin tells Dad that he's decided he wants to be a millionaire when he grows up. Dad tells him he'll need to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. Calvin disagrees by saying he won't, Dad will. Calvin tells him he wants to inherit it.

ch861018: The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light.
Calvin tells Hobbes the worst part of going to school is waiting for the bus. Hobbes is eating a sandwich. Calvin goes on to say that he just thinks about what's going to go wrong during the day. Hobbes is drinking some milk. As the bus comes, Calvin thanks Hobbes for waiting there with him. Hobbes tells him it was his pleasure as he finishes the sandwich. On the bus, Calvin notices his lunch box seems light.

ch861019: Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch "The Blob"!
Calvin jumps in a pile of leaves and tells Hobbes to join him. Hobbes isn't so sure, as he thinks slugs hide under leaves. Calvin is sitting in the pile of leaves. Hobbes continues explaining that the slimy muckballs might be slipping up his pant leg. He figures there might be dozens of them in the leaf pile. Calvin jumps out, thrashing around to knock any slugs off of himself. Calvin comments that's the problem with nature. There's always something stinging you or oozing mucous on you. He's going to watch TV. Hobbes reminds him that at 3:00, he can watch "The Blob".

ch861020: As you can see, Spaceman Spiff, we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero, captured by Zorkons, eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. What's this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
Spaceman Spiff is going to be interrogated by Zorkons. He looks at their implements of torture. At one particular device, he asks the Zorkon what the name of the device is. Calvin's gym teacher tells him it's a chin-up bar and to get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.

ch861021: Where's my jacket? It's right on the floor where you left it. It's still on the floor? Why didn't you put it away? Gee, my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
Calvin yells that he can't find his jacket in the closet. Mom yells back that the jacket is on the floor where Calvin had left it. Calvin asks why Mom didn't put it away. Mom gives Calvin a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.

ch861022: Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
Calvin shows Hobbes he can make a shadow animal. He makes a dog. Hobbes thinks it's pretty good. Calvin then tries to make a swan. Hobbes sees a bug-eyed tentacle thing. They both jump in fright, crawl under the covers, and yell for Mom.

ch861023: Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Why'd you hold it in? I'm trying to blow my shoes off.
Calvin starts to sneeze. He plugs his nose and holds the sneeze in. Hobbes asks why he did that. Calvin explains that he is trying to blow his shoes off.

ch861024: It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. When I was four, I think I was toilet trained.
Hobbes is reading an album cover. He tells Calvin the composer could play piano at the age of three. He wrote his first symphony at four. Hobbes says that's amazing. Calvin recalls that when he was four, he thinks he was toilet trained.

ch861025: I'm done with my homework! I'm going outside to play! I've got my jacket! I'm leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
Calvin comes down the stairs declaring that he's done with his homework. He says he's going out to play, and that he has his jacket. He says he's leaving. Lastly, he says he'll give further bulletins as events warrant.

ch861026: ... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say "time in" together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those "interest free bank loans" to yourself!
Calvin and Hobbes are playing a game of flag capture. Calvin complains to Hobbes that he put the flag too high in the tree. Hobbes informs Calvin that isn't a rule, so Calvin makes it a rule. Hobbes tags Calvin and tells him to go to jail. Calvin's argument that he had a time out falls on deaf ears. Calvin declares another new rule about automatic time outs when discussing rules. Hobbes calls time in and tags Calvin. Calvin tells him he can't do that, and they need to call time in at the same time. Hobbes accuses Calvin of continually changing the rules so he can win. Calvin retorts that he's doing it so Hobbes can't cheat. They call each other cheater and muffin head. They fight. As they stand in the laundry room covered in dirt, Calvin says Mom suggests taking up playing Monopoly. Hobbes, peeking out from the washing machine, says he knows all about the "interest-free bank loans" Calvin makes to himself.

ch861027: Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning I'll run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good, I go right into my pants while I'm putting on my shirt, and by the bottom, I'm all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too, I won't have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. Forget it Calvin.
Calvin shows Mom he put his clothing for tomorrow on the staircase. In the morning, he plans to run out in his underwear, slide down the stairs, and be fully dressed when he reaches the bottom. He tells Mom that if she puts his cereal on the stairs, he won't have to get up until 30 seconds till the bus comes.

ch861028: Ack. Igg. Look, mom, I've got rabies. Go spit out your toothpaste and stop being silly. Maybe dad will fall for it if I bite him first.
Calvin comes out with foam coming from his mouth. He tells Mom he has rabies. She tells him to spit out his toothpaste and to stop being silly. As Calvin walks off, he wonders if Dad will fall for it if Calvin bites him first.

ch861029: What are you going to dress up as for Halloween? I don't know yet, I can't decide. Well, the idea is to be the scariest thing you can think of. Hmm ... maybe I'll just go as myself! I'm going as a barrel of toxic waste!
Calvin asks Hobbes what he's going to dress up as for Halloween. Hobbes isn't sure yet. Calvin tells him the idea is to go as the scariest thing you can think of. Hobbes makes a fearsome face and says he might just go as himself. Calvin plans to go as a barrel of toxic waste.

ch861030: We're going to carve a Jack-O'lantern now. See, we'll make a face on this pumpkin so it will look like a head. But first we have to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Ok Jack, time for your lobotomy!! Hand me a big spoon. Will you Hobbes? Ugh? No anesthetic even.
Calvin gets ready to carve the jack-o'-lantern. Calvin draws the eyes and explains to Hobbes that it will look like a face when they're done. First, though, they need to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Calvin grabs a knife and says "OK, Jack, time for your lobotomy". He asks Hobbes for a big spoon. Hobbes covers his mouth and is sickened by Calvin not even using an anesthetic.

ch861031: I think Dad likes Halloween as much as we do. Is he taking us trick or treating tonight? No, Mom is. Is he going to stay home and give out candy? No, he's going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose and drench potential t'pers.
Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad likes Halloween as much as they do. Hobbes asks if Dad is taking them trick-or-treating. Calvin replies that Mom is. Hobbes asks if Dad is staying home to give out candy. Calvin tells him Dad is going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose to drench potential T.P.ers.

ch861101: Oog. I feel awful. If someone even mentions "Milk Duds." I'm going to barf. Another Halloween come and gone. It's always such a letdown after a holiday. We might as well go into town and look at the Christmas decorations.
Having eaten their Halloween candy, Hobbes says he feels awful. Calvin thinks if someone even mentions "Milk Duds", he'll barf. Calvin laments the passing of another Halloween. He says its always a letdown after a holiday. He decides they might as well go into town to look at the Christmas decorations.

ch861102: Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ...
Calvin is taking a bath, playing with a paper ship. He pretends it's an aircraft carrier. He states the ship is virtually unsinkable. Hobbes knows what can sink it, a cannonball depth charge. He jumps into the tub and PFOOM! Calvin, and all the water in the tub, flies out onto the floor. Calvin tells Hobbes to refill the tub so they can do it again. Dad notices the waterfall coming down the stairs. He says he's going upstairs to see what her son is up to.

ch861103: Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making here a "Get Well" card. That's thoughtful of you. See, on the front it says "Get Well Soon." And on the inside it says, "Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away, and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin." Want to sign it? Sure. I'm hungry too.
Calvin is making a "get well" card for Mom. He shows Hobbes the card. The front says "Get well soon". The inside elaborates that she should get well because Calvin's bed isn't made, his clothes need to be put away, and he's hungry. Hobbes wants to sign the card, too, because he's also hungry.

ch861104: Hi, Mom! Since you're sick. I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan, but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
Calvin brings breakfast to Mom, who is lying in bed. He's made eggs, toast and juice. He goes on to say the eggs kind of burned, but that Mom could chip them out with a chisel. When Mom asks about the toast and coffee, Calvin offers that Dad told him not to tell Mom about it until she was feeling better.

ch861105: Since your Mom's sick. I'll be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see, I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. Get the syrup out, will you?
Dad says that since Mom is sick, he will make dinner. Calvin didn't know Dad could cook. Dad proudly declares that he survived two years of his own cooking when he had an apartment after college. Calvin reminds him Mom said he ate frozen waffles and had canned soup three meals a day. Dad replies that Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. He also asks Calvin to get the syrup out.

ch861106: Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
Calvin asks Mom if she wants him to read her a story, since she reads stories to him when he's sick. Mom says she just wants to rest. Calvin sits on the edge of the bed and says "It's hard to be a mom for a mom". Mom sits up and gives Calvin a hug. She says he does fine. Calvin wants to know if she's contagious.

ch861107: What's wrong with your Mom, do you know? No, she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! Yes. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson ...
Hobbes asks Calvin what's wrong with Mom. Calvin replies he doesn't know, but that Mom went to the doctor's office. Hobbes wonders if maybe she's going to have a baby. Calvin jumps in horror at the thought. He wonders why she would want another kid. After all, she has him. Hobbes agrees that you'd think she would have learned her lesson.

ch861108: I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... that's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
Calvin tells Hobbes that when asked, Dad said as far as he knew. He said they'd know if she was having a baby because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland condition. Dad said that right before Mom creamed him with a pillow. Dad surmises that Mom must be feeling better. Hobbes thinks Calvin has weird parents.

ch861109: Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when?
Calvin and Hobbes are playing in the house. They're shooting at each other, running down the stairs, shooting around doors and over furniture. They're yelling the entire time. Mom yells to Calvin to stop tearing around the house. They're driving her crazy. Calvin tells her that she told him he couldn't play outside because it was raining. Calvin and Hobbes are outside, standing under an umbrella. Calvin says that sure worked. Hobbes wonders just how long it is until they can go back inside.

ch861110: Hey, Mom, I got a part in the class play! I get to say a line and everything! That's wonderful Calvin. It's a great dramatic role! My character will have everyone in tears at the end of the second act! What's the play? "Nutrition and the four food groups." I'm an onion.
Calvin comes home and tells Mom he got a part in the class play. He gets to say a line. Mom tells him that's wonderful. Calvin believes this is a great dramatic role, and he'll have people in tears by the second act. The play is "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups". Calvin will be an onion.

ch861111: Ok, Hobbes. I need you to help me memorize my line for the play. Sure. I'm the onion, and I say "In addition to supplying vital nutrients, many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber." Ok, ready? Ready. Go ahead. "In addition ..." wait. Hold it. I'm not in character yet. What motivates an onion? Fame. I suppose this could be a big break.
Calvin asks Hobbes to help him learn his line for the play. Calvin reads the line, gives the script to Hobbes, and Hobbes tells him to start. Suddenly, Calvin realizes he's not in character yet. He doesn't have his motivation. Hobbes wonders if it's fame. He supposes this role could be a big break.

ch861112: Ok. You be "Bread". Prompt me. "Glucose is the body's main energy source!" "In addition ... " uh ... um ... "In addition ... " um ... wait. Grrrgh! I hate this play! I'll never be able to learn this stupid part! Well, your emoting is down pat.
They're still rehearsing. Hobbes reads the line before Calvin. Calvin starts his line, and stops. He starts again, and stops. Suddenly, he falls to his knees, says he hates the play and bemoans his inability to learn the part. Hobbes suggests his emoting is down pat.

ch861113: I've got it all figured out Hobbes. This play will be no sweat. You have your line all memorized? No. I thought I'd come out. Do a little soft-shoe and adlib something! Adlib something about dietary fiber? Either that, or I'll do my onion in mime!
Calvin has it figured out. He tells Hobbes the play is no sweat. Hobbes asks if Calvin has his line memorized. Calvin replies that he doesn't. He figures he'll come on stage, do a little soft-shoe and ad-lib something. Hobbes wonders how he'll ad-lib something on dietary fiber. Calvin thinks he could also do his onion in mime.

ch861114: How's my onion costume coming, Mom? I'm still working on it. I wish your class would do something a little less elaborate. I'm not much of a seamstress. Just be glad I'm not Russy White, he has to be an amino acid. Mm ... what do you think? Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer. I dunno Mom.
Calvin asks Mom how his onion costume is coming. Mom is still working on it, and she wishes the class would do something less elaborate. Calvin says to be glad he's not Russy White, who has to be an amino acid. Calvin puts the costume on. He thinks it's "Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer".

ch861115: Are you going to come to my play dad? It's called "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups." I'll probably have to work Calvin. But Dad. It'll be great drama! I'm an onion! Well why don't you say your line for me now? Ok! Um ... let's see ... "In addition to ... " ... uh ... hold it ... um. 2kids in food suits forgetting their lines. I'll definitely be at work. Dear! Calvin's worked hard. Ok, uh ... "In addtion ..." uh ... no wait ... um.
Calvin wants to know if Dad is coming to the play. Dad says he'll probably be at work. Calvin tells him it will be great drama. Dad asks Calvin to read his line now. Calvin starts, then forgets. He starts again, then forgets. Dad figures with 25 kids in food suits forgetting their lines, he'll definitely be at work.

ch861116: Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Let's have some snow!! It's snowing! I can make it snow! I'm psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh, he's going to hate me for this.
Calvin angrily sits on his sled at the top of the hill. He's dressed for winter, but there's no snow on the ground. He yells for there to be snow. Suddenly, snow starts falling. Calvin runs off claiming to be psychokinetic. After he leaves, the snow stops. Hobbes is sitting on a tree branch with an empty bag of snow he dumped down. With a smile on his face, Hobbes suggests that Calvin will hate him for this.

ch861117: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? I'm still learning it, being an onion is a difficult role you know. What are you? I'm "Fat." No, I mean in the play. Anyone else want to say it?!? Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!
Susie asks Calvin if he has his line memorized for the play. Calvin says he's still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role. He asks Susie what she is. She replies "Fat". Calvin says "No. I mean in the play". She smacks him and asks whether anyone else wants to say it. Calvin lies in a heap on the sidewalk calling for his understudy.

ch861118: Thanks for waiting for the bus with me Hobbes. I feel like an idiot in this onion suit. I'll be lad when this stupid play is over. Oh no! Run for your life! A produce truck! ... just kidding!
Calvin is waiting in his onion suit at the bus stop. Calvin tells Hobbes he feels like an idiot. He says he'll be glad when the play is over. Hobbes yells for Calvin to run for his life, a produce truck is coming. As Calvin runs off, Hobbes yells that he was just kidding.

ch861119: Susie, where's Calvin? He goes onstage right after you! I don't know Miss Wormwood. He was here a minute ago. Maybe he went to the boys room. He's on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys room! Fine time to get stuck in my costume stupid zipper!
Miss Wormwood asks Susie where Calvin is. Susie says she doesn't know, that he was just there a minute ago. She wonders if he went to the bathroom. Miss Wormwood says he's on stage in two minutes. He picked a fine time to go to the bathroom. Calvin, in the bathroom, says it's a fine time to get stuck in his costume zipper.

ch861120: I can't believe it! I'm stuck in my onion suit! I can't go onstage with my shirt caught in my costume! Help! Help! I'm supposed to be on now! I'm supposed to be saying my line! What should I do?? What should I do?? "In addition to supplying vital nutrients, many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber!!"
Calvin can't believe he's stuck in his costume zipper. He figures he can't go on stage with his shirt caught in his costume. He knows he should be onstage reciting his line. He wonders what to do. From the bathroom, he shouts out his line.

ch861121: I'm home! Hi, honey. How did your play go? Terrible. I got stuck in my zipper in the bathroom, and they had to stop the play and get a janitor to find me and get me out. Oh no. that's awful! I'll say. The play was ruined ... but I remembered my line!
Calvin comes home, and Mom asks how the play went. Calvin tells her he got stuck in his zipper, they had to stop the play, and the janitor had to find him and get him out. Mom says that was terrible. Calvin says the play was ruined, but he remembered his line.

ch861122: Up, up and away! Woomph! Ackk! Kryptonite! Kryptonite!
Calvin runs along with his cape. He calls "Up, up and away". He leaps, then crashes into the floor. He grabs his throat, crying "kryptonite".

ch861123: Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you, Dad? No, you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand, and pay for it the rest of your life. I'll just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Let's hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe he'll think we ran away! Lie down and I'll pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee, I wonder where Calvin went! And his tiger's gone too! Now's my chance to get away before they get back! Won't Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom won't be glad at all, you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? You're here?? Oh rats ... I mean, good!
Dad goes into the store, leaving Calvin and Hobbes in the car. They hide under a blanket, putting a bag on top of themselves, so Dad will think they've run away. Dad comes back out to the car, seeing that they're hiding. He says he wonders where they are. He says it's his chance to get away before they come back. He says Mom will be glad when she hears he's lost them. Calvin pops up saying Mom won't be glad. He calls Dad a sicko and says he's ruining Dad's getaway.

ch861124: Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker, it's good. Forget it. I don't even want my own lunch anymore. You don't? what kind of cookies are those?
Susie asks Calvin if he wants to trade sandwiches. He tells her no, that he's got his favorite kind. He asks Susie what kind she has, and she replies peanut butter. Calvin says his is processed mouse loaf. Susie doesn't believe it, saying it looks like egg salad. Calvin picks a piece off the sandwich and holds it up. He offers it to Susie to try. He thinks it's a whisker and is good. Susie is so grossed out she doesn't want her own sandwich now. Calvin wants to know what kind of cookies she has.

ch861125: Ta-daaa!!
Calvin is walking along. He trips, flips over and lands on his rear. He stands up saying "Ta-daaa!".

ch861126: How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I should've guessed. Dear, if you don't know the answer. Just tell him!
Calvin asks how they know the load limits on bridges. Dad tells him they keep driving bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. He tells Calvin they then weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Mom tells Dad that if he doesn't know the answer, he should just tell him.

ch861127: It's hard to believe people still starve in this world. There's even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy, I know what that's like! No you don't.
Reading the newspaper, Calvin tells Hobbes it's hard to believe there are still starving people in the world. He says there is even hunger in America, that some people never get enough to eat. Hobbes holds his stomach and says he knows what that's like. Calvin says he does not.

ch861128: The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh, no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
Calvin's playing with his toy soldiers. They're marching up the hill. Bombers appear on the horizon. Bombs begin to fall. Suddenly, pine cones rain down on Calvin's head. Hobbes, standing up on a tree branch, says he had two direct hits.

ch861129: Look, Hobbes, you get a plastic trinket in boxes of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs"! It says, "Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors." Yeah, but Mom says she won't buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, right? I dunno after five bowls, I get pretty wired.
Calvin shows Hobbes that you get a plastic trinket in the box of "Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs" cereal. Hobbes notes the box says there are ten colors to collect. Calvin says Mom won't buy any more cereal until that box is gone. As they sit at the kitchen table with bowls in front of them, Hobbes figures it shouldn't take more than a couple hours to eat the box. Calvin isn't so sure, as he gets pretty wired after five bowls.

ch861130: A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
Spaceman Spiff is hit. He plummets toward planet Zog. There's no place to land. His controls don't respond. His fuel explodes due to the stress. He has ten seconds to impact. He starts counting down...nine, eight. Miss Wormwood says "Well, Calvin?". He shouts "Seven". Miss Wormwood congratulates him on his correct answer for ten minus three. She thought he wasn't paying attention. Miraculously, Spiff makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again.

ch861201: Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. "Fine"?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
Mom tells Calvin she and Dad are going out tomorrow. He'll have a baby sitter. Calvin asks for it not to be Rosalyn. Mom informs him that she called eight people, and Rosalyn is the only one who will do it. Calvin wants her to call more. Mom says she's been calling for an hour already. She says Rosalyn is fine. Calvin says Rosalyn is a barracuda in a high school senior suit. Mom asks Calvin if he remembers Amy. She just laughed when Mom called her.

ch861202: Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. We'd be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Here's a notepad and pencil. Oh boy, blackmail! Right, get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
Calvin hears the doorbell. The baby sitter is here. Hobbes suggests hiding, but Calvin says they smell fear. Hobbes suggests going on the offensive. Calvin asks for paper and a pencil. Hobbes recognizes a blackmail attempt coming. Calvin tells him to get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.

ch861203: We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!
Mom leaves and says good-bye to Rosalyn. Rosalyn calls up the stairs to Calvin to see if he's up there. Two suction darts come flying down at Rosalyn. She charges up the stairs, rolling up her sleeves. She tells Calvin it's "Bedtime for Bonzo". Calvin complains that it's only six o'clock.

ch861204: I can't believe our baby sitter put us to bed! It's not even dark out! Well, she can put us to bed, but she can't make us sleep. You play the horn, and I'll accompany on tom-tom. Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean "the basement"? Shhh!
Calvin and Hobbes are lying in bed. Calvin can't believe they were put there, and it isn't even dark out. Calvin decides that while she can put them in bed, she can't make them sleep. He gives Hobbes a horn, he gets a tom-tom. Rosalyn looks in and reminds Calvin that sleeping in a bed is a privilege, and that the basement will be less comfy. Hobbes wonders what she meant by "the basement". Calvin quickly turns and says "Shhh!".

ch861205: Rosalyn, we're going to be a little later than we expected, so I thought I'd better call you. That's fine. Calvin went to bed early, so I'm just holding down the fort. Who's on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before it's too late! Help! Help! No, that's just the tv. I'll see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
Mom calls Rosalyn to tell her they are going to be later than planned. Rosalyn tells her Calvin went to be early, and she's just holding down the fort. In the background, Calvin yells out. He wants to know if that's Mom. He wants to talk with her. He yells for her to come home before it's too late. Rosalyn tells Mom it's just the TV and to enjoy the play.

ch861206: Sorry we're late, Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes, but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? I'm not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness you're home! Has he been this way all night? Well, his voice gave out about 11 o'clock but it seems to be If she's still here, don't pay her! Give her a little extra, will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuition's are up.
Mom and Dad come home. Mom asks if Rosalyn got Calvin to bed. She replies yes, but. Calvin yells down the stairs asking if that was Mom and Dad, did they get rid of the baby sitter, and thanking goodness they were home. Mom asks if he's been that way all night. Rosalyn says his voice gave out around 11:00, but yes. Calvin yells for them not to pay her anything. Mom tells Dad to give her a little bit extra. Dad wonders if five is enough. Rosalyn suggests eight, since college tuitions are up.

ch861207: I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, "Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics." You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? "Goldilocks and the three tigers." Oh boy, this is gonna be great! "Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ..." Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry.
Calvin asks Dad to read a story Hobbes wrote, "Goldilocks and the Three Tigers". Dad reads that Goldilocks walks in the forest, sees the house, goes into the house, sees the porridge in three bowls. Then the three tigers come home, divide Goldilocks into three parts, and dunk her in the porridge. Dad is disgusted by the story and refuses to continue. He says "Good night". Calvin laments he didn't even look at the illustrations. Hobbes complains about now being hungry.

ch861208: What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
Calvin trudges along complaining about the rotten day. He comes upon Hobbes, who is lying on his back. Calvin buries his head and hands into Hobbes' fur and rubs him. Calvin walks away with a smile on his face, declaring it "fuzz therapy".

ch861209: Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
Calvin calls Susie on the phone. He's lost his homework assignment and wants to know what they're supposed to read for tomorrow. Susie suggests he's calling for some other reason. Calvin wonders why else he would call her. She suggests he misses the melodious sound of her voice. Calvin says she's crazy, and he just wants the assignment. Susie wants to hear Calvin tell her he misses the sound of her voice. Calvin yells that "This is blackmail!".

ch861210: I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those "I missed you" cards.
Calvin comes home and opens the door. Hobbes comes flying out, smashes into Calvin, and they tumble along. Hobbes thinks that's an enthusiastic greeting. Calvin wishes he'd just buy a "I missed you" card.

ch861211: I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here.
Calvin has a great idea for school. He takes a ping-pong ball and cuts it in half. He draws a dot on each end. He puts one over each eye so it looks like he's paying attention. He asks Hobbes if he makes him look too interested. Hobbes says no, because Calvin is looking in the wrong direction.

ch861212: Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the "Help Wanted Section."
Calvin has bad news for Dad regarding his polls. Calvin tells him he's dropped two notches and his future is grim. Dad wonders what it would take to improve his standings. Calvin says he needs a VCR. Dad tells him he'll keep that in mind. Calvin tells Dad, who's reading the newspaper, that he hopes he's looking at the "Help Wanted" section.

ch861213: Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, "A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald." Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. "... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer."
Calvin receives a chain letter in the mail. He reads that a man in Denver made copies and got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and went bald. Hobbes scoffs at the letter. He says those notes are for superstitious nincompoops and to throw the note away. Calvin continues, saying "a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer".

ch861214: I spelled "Be" how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled "zygomorphic" on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter "I" I can spell "in". That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your "n", I can spell "nucleoplasm" that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Hobbes scores 150 points with "zygomorphic" on a triple-word score. Calvin gets three points with "in". Hobbes scores 40 with "nucleoplasm". Calvin only has consonants. He kicks the board and refuses to play anymore. He suggests they play poker instead. At least he has a chance of winning with cards. He starts betting with a nickel. Hobbes, with a smile on his face, sees his nickel and raises him eight dollars.

ch861215: Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you.
Calvin has shrunk to the size of an insect. His only hope is to call for help. With all his might, he dials the phone. It's ringing, but will anyone hear him. Dad picks up the phone and hears buzzing. He says that better not be Calvin.

ch861216: Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
Calvin rinses his hair and forms it into a point. He walks into the kitchen, telling Mom that the earth female should not be alarmed. His planet is dying, and they need cookies to survive. He tells her not to resist or she will be destroyed. He walks off with the cookie jar. Mom chases after him.

ch861217: This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the "H"! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to "C", you cheater!
Calvin plays with a Ouija board. He tells Hobbes the board knows all. They decide to ask the board which of them is smarter. Calvin calls for the board to answer their question. As they struggle over the pointer, Hobbes says it's heading for the "H". Calvin disagrees, saying it's trying to go to "C".

ch861218: Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D" When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!
They decide to ask the Ouija board a different question. Calvin wants to know if he'll grow up to be president. The pointer starts to move. G..O..D..F..O..R..B..I..D. Calvin kicks the board and says he'll ask for an editorial when he wants one.

ch861219: How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? "3" You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
Hobbes wonders how the Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries. Calvin decides to ask it. The pointer goes to "3". Calvin remembers he didn't ask for the Ouija board last Christmas, he asked for a computer.

ch861220: Why do I have to go to bed now? I never get to do what I want! If I grow up to be some sort of psychopath because of this, you'll all be sorry!! Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, but you won't let me chew tobacco either! You never know what might push me over the brink! Go to bed Calvin.
Calvin complains about having to go to bed. He never gets to do what he wants. He says they'll be sorry if he grows up to be a psychopath because of all this. Dad tells him no one ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Calvin adds that they don't let him chew tobacco, either. They don't know what might push him over the brink.

ch861221: Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after they're through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines, leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin, get back in the tub! You're making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
A prehistoric monster is awakened. It makes its way to Japan and emerges. Calvin jumps up out of his bathtub water. He walks down the stairs saying he's heading for the power lines, trailing destruction. He comes up to Mom. Mom tells him to get back in the tub, he's making a mess. Calvin says it's Megalon, his arch-rival. He spits a bunch of water on Mom, saying it's a fireball. She chases him back up the stairs saying no more afternoon TV movies for him.

ch861222: Oh boy, you got some clay. I'm making Mom and Dad a Christmas present. What are you making? An ashtray. Your parents don't smoke. Of course ... ok Michalengelo, you sculpt something!
Calvin is making Mom and Dad a Christmas present out of clay. Hobbes asks what it is, and Calvin tells him it's an ashtray. Hobbes looks up. He says Mom and Dad don't smoke. Angrily, Calvin tells him "OK, Michaelangelo, you sculpt something!".

ch861223: A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance.
Calvin tells Hobbes a homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you invested your time and skill into it. It says it's a personal gift, not a generic one. He tells Hobbes it also means you need a bigger allowance.

ch861224: This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good.
Hobbes is reading a news article that says many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. Calvin can believe it. He says it stresses him. Hobbes asks why. Calvin explains that he hates being good.

ch861225: Psst! Are you awake? Is it Christmas? It is! It is! Let's go wake Mom and Dad and open all our loot! Since it's Christmas maybe we should let them sleep a little. That's long enough! Wake up! Wake up! It's Christmas!! Quarter to 6. He let us sleep in this year.
Calvin and Hobbes wake up Christmas morning. Calvin wants to wake Mom and Dad and go open all his loot. Hobbes thinks they should let them sleep in a little. They sit in bed, straining from the pressure. Calvin runs into their bedroom yelling to wake up, it's Christmas. They say it's a quarter to six, that he's let them sleep in this year.

ch861226: Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession?? They'll fine you ten cents, now go return it. The way some of those librarians look at you. I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
Calvin notices a library book was due two days ago. He wonders if they'll interrogate him, break his knees, make him sign a confession. Mom says they'll fine him ten cents. Calvin says the way some librarians look at you, he naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.

ch861227: Hey Dad, I have a question. Sure, Calvin. What do you want to know? If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed ... would the sneeze go out your ears, or would your head explode? I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. ... either way. I'm scared to try it.
Calvin asks Dad what would happen if you plugged your nose and mouth when you sneezed. He wonders if the sneeze would go out your ears or if your head would explode. Dad was hoping Calvin had a math question.

ch861228: Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
Calvin and Hobbes are on the hill with their sled. Calvin says he sometimes likes to lie back on his sled and look at the sky. It's gray, no birds are singing, everything is muffled by the snow. He says without people or houses, everything would be perfectly still. Hobbes is on the sled, Calvin standing next to it. They both look into the sky. Calvin asks if Hobbes thinks that's pretty neat. Hobbes agrees that it's very peaceful. Calvin kicks the sled down the hill. As Hobbes yells in terror, Calvin says he hates all that silence.

ch861229: Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
Calvin points out the toboggan, suicide sled, to Hobbes. He indicates the unique design that gets snow sprayed into your face and the shows the lack of steering mechanism. He says it's truly a danger to life and limb. Calvin and Hobbes go down the hill, coated in snow, cheering with joy.

ch861230: Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater.
Calvin asks if he can turn up the temperature in the house. Mom tells him that's expensive and to put on a sweater. Calvin notices the thermostat goes up to 90 degrees. He says they could be sitting around in shorts. Mom warns him to keep his hands off. Calvin says he can see his breath and will only turn it up to 75. Mom yells "I said don't touch it!" Calvin says his hands are numb, he can't move the switch. He'll go put on a sweater.

ch861231: Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?
Calvin comes in from outside. He's all bundled up. Mom says he looks cold. She tells him there is a fire made up and to go warm up. He runs to the fireplace saying nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire when you've been out in the cold. He gets there and sees Hobbes lying in front of the fire. Calvin notices that some people say "why bother going outside first?".

Calvin: 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995